Comparison: Don’t Let it Kill Your Calling

Comparison: Don’t Let it Kill Your Calling

Running a marriage ministry, being formally trained, and identifying yourself as a professional, seems like enough to feel validated, right? I mean, after all of that, surely you would feel confident and ready for all the people to soak up your wisdom and all the amazing information you have to share.

But there’s just one problem … you don’t.

Nope, you just don’t ever feel totally qualified or confident. Because you know that almost every marriage counselor, or whatever else kind of professional out there, is probably sharing the same thing as you… and, you may actually be right. Others are sharing a lot of the same things. Cue insecurity. Yep, that’s right, even professional marriage counselors can feel insecure (raises hand here)!

There’s such a drive to be relevant, to be different, to have the next new thing, to be owning all the platforms, booking all the clients, and having all the best written books or blogs — basically, a call to be THE BEST. Shoot, if we’re honest, a call to even just be good enough. 

But here’s the real deal, there’s nothing special about being the best or even being different. This goes for marriage counselors, bloggers, stay at home moms, health gurus, whatever. I mean, where is the judge or the scale for that anyway? Isn’t it just imaginary? Aren’t we usually the worst, if not only, critic we have?

What is so wrong about saying what’s already been said, writing what’s already been written, or selling what’s already being sold? What a great scheme of the enemy to make us believe things can only be done once, or done or said a specific way. He has silenced a lot of us by doing so.

You may not be a marriage counselor, but, assuming you are a human, I bet you struggle with this, too. Playing the old game of “not good enough” or “_______ is better than me” is a paralyzing ploy. It is keeping those of us who are offering hope or help to the world, silent. This, my friends, is a game that Satan himself created.

So how about you allow me to ruin the entire game for you? Like, put down your pawn, throw the board, walk away, and completely destroy it, kind of ruin. (Think Monopoly when you don’t own Boardwalk and Park Place)

Imagine for a minute that we actually were all sharing and speaking the same things —  whether it be in health and wellness, medical care, counseling, personal growth, business or life coaching, you name it. What if we all had the same message in our represented fields of helping others and offering hope and healing? What then?

Well, I’ll tell you…. It would be freakin’ awesome! 

Why? Because we are in a battle, and every repeated word is one more voice in the army against darkness. And guess what? The war has already been waged. We’re in it whether or not we believe it.

Friends, whatever you do, if you are a hope-breeder (which you are) and if you have a message the world needs (which you do), I beg you to stand up and say it. It’s worth saying it again. Your voice, especially your repetitive voice, is one more soldier in the army, and the battle has never been greater. We need you in it!

It’s time. It’s time for hope to stand united. Go ahead, put down the heavy weight of comparison and not good enough, and boldly rise up.

And…don’t worry, I’ll be right there, armored up waiting to stand next to you.

Watch out world, we’re coming — with one, big united voice!

Help! My Husband Won’t Go to Counseling

Help! My Husband Won’t Go to Counseling

“My husband refuses to go to counseling.” We hear this phrase quite frequently. If these words ring true for you, don’t despair — there’s still hope. If you know that your marriage needs help and your husband is digging in his heels, there’s usually a reason. Let us give you some clarity with four common concerns that go through a man’s mind about counseling:

  • He may misunderstand what counseling is. He thinks he will have to just sit and talk about all his feelings, entering into this overly emotional situation.
  • He doesn’t like the cost, and he thinks it will be a waste of money.
  • He thinks it’s a set-up to be thrown under the bus. It’s just a way to confront him with everything he’s doing wrong.
  • This last one may be surprising — he thinks needing counseling means that he’s inadequate. He feels that he should be able to fix things on his own; seeking help seems to prove that he can’t.

As the wife, your first step is changing your perspective of your husband’s response. It’s not a personal attack or a rejection of you. It’s not that he doesn’t want to fix your marriage, because he most likely does. It’s more often that he’s dealing with one, or all, of these faulty beliefs. When you can get a glimpse into how he might be feeling, you can enter in with empathy.

So, how do you best present your case for counseling? We can help with that, too. Assuming — which we don’t often recommend you do in your marriage, but we’re going to give it a shot here, because this situation does deserve an educated guess — that your husband is dealing with these common misperceptions, we want you to voice truth that counters what he may be thinking. 

First of all, be clear with your desire for a good outcome. Tell him what your hope for counseling is: “Honey, I know you don’t want to go to counseling, but I would really like to, because [this is where you speak truth and clarify your intentions]. I want us to be happier. I want to fight less and yell less. I want us to be a good example for the kids.” You can also add in a bonus, “I don’t like the way I treat you and how I act sometimes. I’d like to work on myself in our marriage too.” 

When you have this conversation, don’t worry about what he does wrong or how he treats you; that’s not the point. The point is to help combat the shame or defensiveness he might be feeling that is preventing him from seeking help. Can you see how he might be able to get on board when you take some ownership too? 

Here’s a couple more ways to bring truth into the conversation: “I know it costs money but I think our marriage is worth it. I don’t know for sure if it will work, but I’d be willing to spend the money, just for a shot of us having a better marriage,” or “I know that I am part of the problem, too, and I just want us to do all we can to make our marriage better. I know you’re not happy right now, and I’d like for you to be. I’d really love for you to go with me.”

Now, you’ve really stated your case. You’ve shared your feelings without manipulation, finding fault, or adding pressure. You’re simply asking for what you want in the least threatening way to your husband, who likely has valid concerns. 

After you’ve shared your heart, if he still says no, then the best thing you can do for your marriage is to go by yourself. Yes, marriage counseling can still be done, and often quite successfully, with just one spouse. Honestly, we often find that the husband does eventually get on board, if anything, out of sheer curiosity or, perhaps, to come in and tell us his side. Then, once he’s in the office, he can find out that it’s really nothing like what he was thinking it would be.

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Newlywed Couple's Devotional

(for Newlywed Couples and Newlywed Wanna-Be's)

features:

•  52 Weekly Devotionals that explore common issues and themes every couple experiences, such as intimacy, love, commitment, household duties, finances, and more

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•  Action-Oriented Discussion Prompts that hold couples accountable for maintaining their God-anchored vows

•  Weekly Prayers that are specific and relevant to the topics discussed