Have you ever come across a blog, a social media post, or even heard from a well-meaning friend or even pastor, to not withhold sex from your husband or to make sure you’re having more of it to meet his needs? 

We see these posts and hear these messages all the time as marriage counselors and let us tell you, while there may be times when a wife is withholding sex as manipulation or a form of punishment, in most accounts, that is not the case. Many women are withholding sex for many other reasons and telling them just to have more of it to satisfy their husbands is harmful.

When there are sexual problems in a marriage it seems that a lot of the responsibility for correcting them is placed upon the wife. This should not be the case. Wives are told if they don’t want their husband to cheat or look at porn, just have more sex. If they’re too tired at the end of the day, just give in so his needs can be met. After all, sex seems to be this primal need for a man so it’s important to keep him happy.

Why Having More Sex Is Not The Answer

Good grief…

This is such a poor message for the husband and the wife. Husbands statistically have a higher sex drive, not always, but in most cases, however this does not make them some uncontrolled animal who always is in search of sex. Sure, they may desire it a little more, but men don’t need sex any more than a woman does. How do we know that? Because God made it for BOTH, and for both of their pleasure.

As a wife, you don’t have to be responsible for the sexual sin of your husband – whether he looks at porn or dives into an affair. That is 100% on him. God gave him self-control and the ability to flee from temptation. If he doesn’t feel you’re giving him enough sex for his liking, then here’s what he should do instead…. Ask you if you and/or everything is ok and ask what you need from him! 

Here’s an example:
“Babe, I really miss making love to you and would love for that to happen a little more. I was just wondering since we’re not having sex as much, if you’re ok or is there something I can help with? I want us both to be satisfied with our love life and just wanted to check in.”

You see, most women aren’t withholding out of spite and control. It’s just that “duty sex” just isn’t appealing, not to mention it’s also not what God intended. And it’s likely there are other reasons for the lack of desire.

Just to name a few:

  • Exhaustion—Many wives are drained physically, mentally, and emotionally.
  • Physical pain—Sex physically hurts some women. 
  • Hormones—Hormones fluctuate and affect mood and energy on a regular basis, and even more when there’s chronic dysregulation happening.
  • Past trauma—If there’s ever been abuse, especially sexual abuse in their life.
  • Emotional disconnection—A lack of emotional intimacy is common and always a barrier for women. Being married and lonely is never going to be arousing.

At the end of the day should we be asking exhausted, hurting, traumatized, hormonally dysregulated, emotionally disconnected women to just fall on the altar of sex because their husband needs it? 

That’s a resounding NO!

What we should be doing instead is having husbands who love their wives like Christ loves the church. Husbands that care for them and ask them how they can help them be less exhausted. Husbands who support their wives in getting any medical care they need. Husbands who talk and connect with their wives. And husbands who help their wives get the help they need while they heal from any past trauma. 

Just having more sex may keep the husband happy, but why isn’t anyone asking what will that do for the wife? 

It’s time to quit treating sex like a duty for the wife to keep her man satisfied and return it to its original design; pleasurable, fulfilling, and connecting body, soul, and mind for BOTH husband and wife. We want you both to experience a fulfilling and satisfied sex life.

Check out the Expedition Marriage podcast to learn ways to communicate, connect, and make God the center of your marriage.