Ep. 21: Part 4 – How to L.O.V.E. your Way Through Conflict

Ep. 21: Part 4 – How to L.O.V.E. your Way Through Conflict

Expedition Marriage with Chris & Jamie Bailey
Ep. 21: Part 4 – How to L.O.V.E. your Way Through Conflict
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This episode was the final episode in the 4 part series on How to L.O.V.E. Your Way through Conflict. On today’s episode we talked about evaluating the interests of both you and your spouse so you can achieve a win/win in your marriage.

Having a win/win marriage is being able to ask your spouse what their win is in addition to just seeking your own. You may or may not realize that when you fight to win, you’re also fighting to make your spouse lose.

There are three ways you can achieve a win/win marriage:

  • Common solution where you both win
  • Compromise where you both give a little for the win
  • Sacrifice where one of you willingly gives so your marriage can win

Getting to a win for your marriage requires working the problem backwards. Determine what the win is first and then figure out how to get there through communicating by using the other L.O.V.E. components like listening, observing the effects of your spouse, and valuing and validating them. Ask them their win, share with them yours, and then determine your marriage win.

Ep. 20: Part 3 – How to L.O.V.E. your Way Through Conflict

Ep. 20: Part 3 – How to L.O.V.E. your Way Through Conflict

Today’s episode is part 3 in our the 4 part series on How to L.O.V.E. your Way Through Conflict. We’re talking about how devaluing your spouse can be one of the quickest ways to derail a conversation and turn it into conflict. When you learn how to value your spouse it’s much easier to stay engaged and come to a resolution.

When you value your spouse you’re letting them know how much they’re worth. It’s never a good idea to make your spouse compete with a cell phone, a laptop or a tv screen.

Devaluing your spouse can involves things like: 

  • Being dismissive
  • Minimizing their feelings
  • Disregarding them
  • Using sarcasm
  • Constant interruption

 To head towards resolution it’s important to stay engaged, make eye contact, put down your device, and hear them out.

We hope you leave this episode and forward it on to your spouse or perhaps a friend or two. So many couples suffer in silence before they file for divorce. Be the friend that cares about their marriage and share this episode or any of our other ones. Pass along the encouragement!

 

Quotes from the episode:

“The quickest way to go from a conversation to conflict is to devalue your spouse”

“If you don’t have time to go to counseling or to talk with one another, you definitely don’t have time to argue.” 

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Ep. 21: Part 4 – How to L.O.V.E. your Way Through Conflict

Ep. 20: Part 3 – How to L.O.V.E. your Way Through Conflict

Expedition Marriage with Chris & Jamie Bailey
Ep. 20: Part 3 - How to L.O.V.E. your Way Through Conflict
/

Today’s episode is part 3 in our the 4 part series on How to L.O.V.E. your Way Through Conflict. We’re talking about how devaluing your spouse can be one of the quickest ways to derail a conversation and turn it into conflict. When you learn how to value your spouse it’s much easier to stay engaged and come to a resolution.

When you value your spouse you’re letting them know how much they’re worth. It’s never a good idea to make your spouse compete with a cell phone, a laptop or a tv screen.

Devaluing your spouse can involves things like: 

  • Being dismissive
  • Minimizing their feelings
  • Disregarding them
  • Using sarcasm
  • Constant interruption

 To head towards resolution it’s important to stay engaged, make eye contact, put down your device, and hear them out.

We hope you leave this episode and forward it on to your spouse or perhaps a friend or two. So many couples suffer in silence before they file for divorce. Be the friend that cares about their marriage and share this episode or any of our other ones. Pass along the encouragement!

 

Quotes from the episode:

“The quickest way to go from a conversation to conflict is to devalue your spouse”

“If you don’t have time to go to counseling or to talk with one another, you definitely don’t have time to argue.” 

It's Here!

The Expedition Marriage Podcast!

We're bringing our support to your favorite podcast platform.

Subscribe so you can don't miss an episode.

Newlywed Couple's Devotional

For Newlyweds and Newlywed "wanna-be's"

52 Weeks of Everyday Scripture, Reflections, and Prayers for a
God-Centered Marriage

Order on Amazon for Paperback, Kindle, or Audible

 

 

Ep. 21: Part 4 – How to L.O.V.E. your Way Through Conflict

Ep. 19: How to L.O.V.E. your way through Conflict – Part 2

Expedition Marriage with Chris & Jamie Bailey
Ep. 19: How to L.O.V.E. your way through Conflict - Part 2







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This episode is part 2 of the “How to L.O.V.E. your Way through Conflict” 4 part series. Today we’re talking about really honing in on what’s going on with your spouse by the way they react or respond to you or what you’ve said or done. We’re digging a little deeper as we follow up part 1 with some practical tips on how to really observe what the real issue is with one another. Tune in to find out what might really be going on when you’re upset.

 

Find our show notes at https://expeditionmarriage.org/post/podcast/ep-19-how-to-l-o-v-e-your-way-through-conflict-part-2/

Ep. 21: Part 4 – How to L.O.V.E. your Way Through Conflict

Ep. 18: How to L.O.V.E. your way through Conflict

Expedition Marriage with Chris & Jamie Bailey
Ep. 18: How to L.O.V.E. your way through Conflict







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This episode is the first of our L.O.V.E. series where we break down love in an acronym to help you be able to LOVE your way through conflict. On this episode we’ll be sharing the value and the impact of what it means to truly listen to one another in your marriage.

Feeling alone, un-heard, dismissed or disconnected is not okay in a marriage—for EITHER of you. Come on and join us for some biblical wisdom, practical application and the way out of a marriage where listening is hard to come by.

Find our show notes at https://www.expeditionmarriage.org/post/podcast-ep-18-how-to-l-o-v-e-your-way-through-conflict

4 Ways to Know if Your Marriage Needs Counseling

4 Ways to Know if Your Marriage Needs Counseling

First things first, can we just go ahead and put to rest all the stigma that comes with counseling? It’s truly just nonsense. We don’t shame our children for needing to go to school to get educated, we don’t shame the person with a broken leg who goes to the orthopedic, nor do we shame the person on the side of the road who calls a mechanic.  As far as we’re concerned, people who seek help for areas where they’re not the expert and they need some help, are people full of wisdom. You’re not failing if you need help, it’s actually the opposite. You choose failure when you need help and DON’T get it. Seeking help is what successful people do!

Ok, can someone slide this soap box out of the way now, I’m done?!

Now that that is cleared up, here are just a few signs that your marriage could benefit from some counseling:

You have a lack of satisfaction. Did you know on average a couple will struggle in their marriage for 6 years before they seek help? Yikes! Don’t be that couple. If you’re living as roommates, rarely have conversations, or have a life focused entirely on the kids, this is NOT a fulfilling marriage and you shouldn’t be settling for it. There’s hope and fulfillment for BOTH of you to be found. 

Another big clue you might need some help is if divorce has been brought up, especially if either of you already come from a broken home. You have an enemy who is after your marriage and would want nothing more than to keep a painful legacy of division going in your family (see John 10:10). Don’t allow any thoughts about divorce to take root.

You also don’t want to let stress, trauma, or difficult situations take you down. Those things that creep into your marriage that are often beyond your control can wreak havoc over time if left unattended. This is a great time to hit pause, get some guidance, and quickly get back on the road to a healthy marriage.

Finally, the more obvious one, if there is any form of addiction. We live in a time where pornography and alcohol have become very popular coping mechanisms. The most common reason they are both turned to, aside from early exposure or something that was already brought into the marriage, is stress. They both provide quick relief and avoidance. Short term fixes with long term loss for your marriage and the spouse who is struggling. If addiction has entered your marriage, even if you have to go alone, get the help. Let a professional help guide you through this season of struggle.

If you want to hear from us a bit more and learn 4 more reasons that might mean you need some help, go check out our video on 8 Ways to Identify if Your Marriage Needs Counseling.

How to Handle Stress in Marriage

How to Handle Stress in Marriage

There was a season in our lives as a young married couple where we were living off of high stress. We were young, had two kids, mediocre paying jobs, and I was pregnant with our third daughter and suffering greatly from yet another round of hyperemesis—which is basically the only thing I have in common with Kate Middleton. Our funds were pretty much non-existent as I could no longer work, we had no help with childcare as I lie in bed with an IV pole, and my husband was frantic in search for help while he took care of me, the kids, and oh, did I mention we were in the middle of a remodel, too? 

STRESS

Sometimes  there’s just no escaping stressful seasons, but when we they do come, it’s important to minimize your stress as quickly as you can before it starts causing relationship problems—because stress and marriage just aren’t the best of pals. When stress does hit your marriage, here are some things you can do:

Identify the stress. Is the stressful situation beyond your control, like an illness, job loss, or accident? Or, is it from a family or marriage situation that you’re not dealing with? Perhaps it’s from remaining in a career that you despise?  The first step is to identify where the stressors come from and determine if you indeed can do anything about them. 

When it’s unavoidable stress, it’s time to lean on each other. This is the time to come together as a team. Instead of allowing stress to divide you, allow it to shift your mindset into “it’s me and you against the problem.” Talk openly and honestly about how the stress is affecting you. Ask one another how you can help alleviate each other’s stress. If the stressor is just affecting one of you, the same rule applies. Go to battle against the stress for and with your spouse. You are one another’s greatest resource—don’t let stress tell you otherwise.

Along the way you also want to make time for fun. Don’t forget to enjoy one another during difficult times. You need the endorphins and natural stress relievers of laughter. Life gets out of balance really quickly when the scale is always weighed down with just stress. Plan nightly walks, have a family game night, watch a funny movie or just go out for ice cream. Don’t forget to have fun, even if it comes in short bursts. You need the connection that stems from laughing together.

Lastly, don’t forget to pray. God is in the stress battle with you. Stressed out is not the abundant life He has called you to live. It’s not all going to blissful, but you have been equipped to handle those hard times and to not lose hope. Never forget that you are “more than conquerors through him who loved us” Romans 8:37.

If you want to dive deeper into tackling the stress in your marriage, check out our video resource on 4 Ways to Thrive When Hard Times Hit Your Marriage.

3 Things Not to Say to Your Spouse

3 Things Not to Say to Your Spouse

Do you remember being a kid and having a peer, a teacher, or perhaps even a parent, either in gest or intentionally speak a word to you that stung your heart to the point where you physically felt the dagger? Maybe it was the boy who told you your nose was too big, the teacher who said how disappointed they were in you, or the parent who told you that you were always a bother?

I think we all know what it’s like to have harsh words come at us, but in addition to harsh words, there are also dismissive words that can hurt too. These are the words that we might be frequently saying to our spouse, and if we’re honest, those can sting just a little bit more. God has given us words to speak life or to speak death, and when it comes to our spouse especially, we need to be choosing life.

One of the quickest ways to ignite fury in your spouse is to tell them to “Calm down.” Now, I know that those words don’t seem harsh or abrasive, but the problem with them is the meaning behind them. What this phrase means is, “What is wrong with you? Why can’t you have self-control like me?” These are words that claim superiority, and they are demeaning. They take advantage of someone who is already upset and in a vulnerable position. Ever seen someone pour gas on a fire? Well, this is doing that with words.

The next phrase you don’t want to come out of your mouth is “Stop worrying.” These words are dismissive. They tell your spouse that their concerns are no big deal, when in fact, they are feeling very valid to them. Give your spouse permission to be afraid, and then remind them that you are right there with them in their fears. Your spouse’s worrying is a great opportunity for you to pray for them or just let them know they’re not alone. Focus on that instead.

Another phrase that can get us into a little bit of trouble is when we tell our spouse, “You shouldn’t feel that way.” The truth is we all have every right to feel however we want to about things. There is no right or wrong in what we feel. There is a right or wrong in the actions that follow our feelings, but that’s not what we’re talking about here. When we tell our spouse their feelings aren’t valid, we’re also telling them that their thoughts and opinions don’t matter. That will obviously not go anywhere good.

So, the next time you want to open your mouth and let one of these phrases roll off your tongue, pause and think about it. As the Message Bible version tells us in Proverbs 21:23, “Watch your words and hold your tongue; you’ll save yourself a lot of grief.”

If you want to discuss this more or hear one more phrase not to say, or perhaps learn what to say instead, check out what we have to say on episode 4 of The Expedition Marriage podcast, What Not to Say to Your Spouse.

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5 Ways to Know if your Marriage is Headed for Trouble

5 Ways to Know if your Marriage is Headed for Trouble

I’m assuming that you’re here reading this because something in your marriage seems to be missing or just perhaps isn’t right. We want to get really specific and help you identify if any of these potential warning signs might be going off in your marriage. But, if they are, don’t fret, they can ALL be repaired, turned around, and redeemed. It’s important to know that even in your worst-case scenario, hope is available.

One of the simplest early warning signs is that you’re just NOT SATISFIED. Keeping in mind that happiness is not the end all, be all, but a lack of it certainly can be a clue that things may not be okay. Despite what society might tell you, a lack of happiness is not a reason to move on and head towards divorce. There are so many deeper, more profound goals of a marriage than just to be happy. BUT your marriage indeed should be generally satisfying, so if it’s not, it’s time to address it.

If your COMMUNICATION is erratic, non-existent, hostile, involves name calling, or if you aren’t talking at all, this is a problem. The more you ignore it, the more you will find yourself going in circles, and guess what? Circles lead to nowhere! Communication is critical to have in a marriage.

Next up, is if you or your spouse have CHECKED OUT. Being checked out in your marriage really is just another way of saying you just don’t care anymore. This can happen to couples who have let things go a little longer than they should and now hopelessness is creeping in. If this is you, it’s definitely time to get some help. If this goes on for a length of time, it will take your marriage to a place that you never meant for it to go.

Now let’s talk about JUST STAYING TOGETHER FOR THE KIDS. We can’t even begin to tell you how wrong this mentality is. Your kids don’t want you to just stay together, they want you to be in a marriage together. Simply staying together for the kids just teaches them to grow up, get married and do the exact same thing. While you’re simply just staying together, you are also actively modeling what marriage should look like. If your marriage isn’t a marriage you want your kids to have, then work on it so you can actually model a healthy one for them. Show them what it is to fight for your marriage. That’s something they will appreciate.

Lastly, it’s the most obvious one, if you’re using the D WORD, your marriage is in trouble. If you’ve said it, you’ve thought about it, and if you’ve thought about it, it won’t be long before you do it.

We tell you these things not to solely help you identify that your marriage might be in trouble, but we say these things to let you know it’s time for a change. In order for things in your marriage to change, things in your marriage will need to change. We know it can feel hopeless sometimes, but there are people out there like us, who willing to loan you our hope until you find yours once again.

God is for your marriage. He wants it to be good, connected and healthy. Afterall, it represents the love Christ has for his Bride, the Church. Let the Lord use your hard times for growth instead of destruction. Reach out for help, get reconnected and start talking.

If you need a small place to start, check out our two-day sample of our DRIVE BY DEVOTIONS that were created with you in mind by clicking below. If you decide you like them, you can purchase them for 25% off with the code provided. They have the potential to change your marriage, breed hope, and reconnect you once again. Trust us, your marriage is worth it!