Help! My Husband Had an Affair!

Help! My Husband Had an Affair!

by | Jul 5, 2021 | Articles

There is not much that is more painful than the betrayal of a spouse. When the one who is supposed to love, protect and cherish you becomes the one who harms you, it stings. A lot. 

But if you are the 1 couple out of every 4 that has been affected by adultery, there are some very specific steps that need to happen for restoration. Forgiveness will, of course, have its place on this journey, not necessarily for them, but for you. Whether your marriage finds restoration and healing or not, you don’t want to be stuck dragging this pain around with you. However…

Forgiveness is not today’s topic, and here’s why; as Christian Counselors, many women we see or hear from struggle a lot with the desire to be a godly wife, aka, a wife that forgives. They often seek forgiveness as a means of obeying God, relieving pain and moving forward. Immediate forgiveness is not healthy to do because it skips a lot of steps.

The truth is forgiveness is different than restoration. Forgiveness doesn’t always equal healing, especially in the case of adultery. Even if the betraying spouse apologizes, it won’t mean anything without changed behavior. It is the change in behaviors that rebuilds the trust that has been shattered—and without trust, it is impossible to have a healthy, godly marriage. 

Now that that’s out of the way, I’m assuming that you’re reading this because your husband has strayed and you indeed don’t know where to turn or what to do. My goal as a marriage therapist is two fold—to breathe hope and life into every marriage and to protect victims of abuse, repeated or unrepentant adultery.
In order to move forward into restoration there are very specific things that need to take place. Here they are:

Necessary Steps for Affair Recovery

Remorse- Your husband must have a repentant heart and a willingness to cut off all ties with the adulteress. What this means is if the affair happened at his office—he changes jobs. If it happened online—he gets off social media. A clear, hard and fast ending and self-removal needs to happen for trust to be initiated. He has to be willing to flee from all sexual immorality (1 Cor 6:18).

Open book life- His privacy is now put on hold until further notice. He has positioned himself to have to prove his faithfulness. He may not like this, but he only has himself to blame. God warns us clearly in Proverbs 6:32, “He who commits adultery lacks sense, he who does it destroys himself.”
What this means is you can have access to his phone, you get to check in with him when he runs late, you get to see his computer, and you get to question everything. This is not for the long term, but it is for the time being until healing comes and trust gets rebuilt more.

You get to lead- You get to be the one in charge now, in charge of your sexual relationship, whether you want to hear him say I love you or not, and how much information and details you want or don’t want. You also deserve the freedom to share with whoever you’d like. Your comfort zone is in the driver’s seat.

Consistent work and effort – You will need to see active and tangible changes in his life. Professional counseling for both of you, an accountability partner or a mentor for him, and his humility to ascribe to all of the above. You will never move forward until you suspect that he is understanding the pain he has caused. You need to see that he gets it. Forgiveness alone does not provide this. You will begin to see this through his actions.

While this is not an exhaustive list, it’s a great place to start, and  it’s important for you to see these things as deal breakers. They are all needed to rebuild trust. You’re not trying to get back to where you were, that has been blown up. You’re creating something entirely new. If he is not on board, it will never work. It is not your job to fully heal your marriage or pick up his slack. 

You deserve this. Don’t settle for anything less.

His adultery doesn’t define you.

God does and you do.

Be willing to fight for what you deserve. 

 

If you want to learn more on this topic, check out episode 35 on The Expedition Marriage podcast, Help! My Husband had an Affair!

Also check out this invaluable resource, Online Affair Recovery course  and use code EXPEDITION to get 10% off. 

Feel free to contact us for help or to pray for your marriage!

xoxo,

Chris & Jamie

When Your Spouse Wants a Divorce

When Your Spouse Wants a Divorce

by | Mar 8, 2021 | Articles

There’s not much quite as painful as being in a marriage with someone who doesn’t want to be in it with you. This can definitely be a challenging situation, but it’s not always as hopeless as it may seem.

“My spouse wants to leave me, but I want to fix our marriage.

What should I do?”

First things first, respond instead of reacting.

There are a lot of emotions going on, which makes it so much easier to panic and not think clearly. If your spouse has one foot out the door, sometimes the thing that pushes them to make the final step out is your reaction. They’re likely leaving because they are feeling fed up or just—done. Your response can either reinforce their feelings or cause them to take pause.

By no means are you in control of your spouse or whether or not they walk out on you, nor do you want to be, BUT, you are in the best position to be their greatest influence—and it’s your influence that will give you the greatest bang for your buck here.

“So, tell me what to do!”

Okay, what you do now is you lean in and listen. You seek to understand.

You don’t defend yourself and try to argue against their complaints, you simply receive what they share. What your spouse shares is knowledge that you need. On top of that, we all want to be heard and this is an opportunity for your spouse to feel heard. When you learn what it is they’re longing for you can now identify what they need.

A large part of the mission to repair your marriage in these situations will feel unfair and one-sided, but that’s ok, it is for a much higher purpose right now. Your goal is to seek to understand what their struggle is,  if they offer it, because not all will at this point because they may have checked out a while ago. But the bottom line is this—they want out because they feel hopeless. You engaging them and listening is breathing a little bit of hope back in.

Your next step is to make it clear that you’ve heard them and that your intention is to repair your marriage. This may go something like this…

“I am so sorry that you feel that way and that we are where we’re at, but I need you to know that I want to do everything I can to save our marriage. I still want to be married to you.”

And now here’s where it gets challenging… you begin to work on you. You step back from engaging in any usual arguments and you step back from pleading for them to stay, and you begin to create a safe and peaceful atmosphere where you are focused on making yourself a better spouse and individual. After all, a divorce rarely happens as a result of 100% one person. There may be some things you need to improve on that would make your marriage work better, for instance, perhaps you…

Swept problems under the rug… 

Turned to unhealthy coping mechanisms…

Became conflict avoidant…

Too passive or aggressive with communication…

Learned to withhold how you really feel, or…

Should have put boundaries up a long time ago…

We all have something we can improve upon, and at the very least, getting help and having someone to help you navigate this road will be beneficial.

A spouse that is leaving can often delay their leaving or recommit after seeing how serious you are about making changes to impact your marriage. Starting with you, instead of them, provides a safe place where they don’t feel forced into change and it also gives them something they may very well want to stick around and watch. They may not want to work on your marriage yet, but they may appreciate you moving forward doing the work even when they’re not invested. Your efforts will speak volumes.

Ultimately, if you lean in and listen it allows them to be heard and have a voice, something we all want. And when you share your desire to save your marriage and then apply actions that show that by getting help yourself and making changes without requiring them to change first, it gives them a space place to stay in. In your worst-case scenario where your spouse walks out, you know that you have done all that you could, and it is not on you. Finally, by getting help yourself with counseling or coaching you will come out of it in a more healthy place.

For additional resources, go to Expedition Marriage Blogs

Or for some encouragement, check out A Message From God for Your Hurting Marriage

17 Great Pieces of Marriage Advice

17 Great Pieces of Marriage Advice

by | Feb 22, 2021 | Articles

When it comes to advice on marriage, there are a whole lot of opinions out there. Some of them are valuable, but some, perhaps not so much. As marriage counselors, especially Christian ones, we definitely have our own thoughts on advice for your marriage, but for this compilation, we looked to our Expedition Marriage family over on Instagram and asked them what the best advice they received for their marriage was. 

And let me tell you—they had some FABULOUS words of wisdom to share.

Best Advice for your Marriage

Now, if you’re interested to know what our best advice for married couples is, it’s this…

Don’t give up! Decide right from the beginning to have an “all in” marriage.

When struggles come up, when disappointments happen, and when you both grow and change, decide to always lean in and work it out.

Never run from your struggles, instead, allow God to use them to shape you, to encourage one another, and to grow you.

You can pick and choose from all of this advice along the journey of marriage, but the thing that will always matter the most is your refusal to quit.

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3 Marital Mistakes You Don’t Want To Make

3 Marital Mistakes You Don’t Want To Make

by | Jul 8, 2019 | Articles

Marriage is a journey. A journey that can be a beautiful ride, and a journey that can also get a little bumpy. You don’t even need to do anything different than you normally do, and all of a sudden you’re off roading and tightening up your seat belts. Why is that? 

Well, because…LIFE.

Life just happens sometimes, and you have no control over that. That’s why it’s so important to recognize the times when you do have some control. No matter what life decides to do, you will always have choices in your marriage, and we want to help you choose the smooth road over the bumpy, pot hole filled one, whenever possible. 

Here are 3 cautionary signs to look out for as you travel this journey together. These are your signals that it’s time to be on guard and prepared to make good choices, instead of mistakes.

Demanding problems. Problems are loud, and they are always seeking center stage. It’s necessary that they get the attention they need, but they also don’t need as much attention as they demand. When they come up, you must intentionally choose to identify the problem and then be sure to give more of your time to finding a solution instead of fixating on the problem. 

Be willing to identify the problem without getting stuck on the symptoms, and then take the next step of formulating a solution. Take the time to agree now that you will be a solutions focused couple, instead of a problem catastrophizing one. Work together as a team. Don’t make the mistake of allowing it to be you two amidst a problem and against each other, but instead, let it be you two against the problem..

If only. There’s a big appeal to comparison nowadays. We’re all aware of social media and the good and bad that it brings with it. Be cautious over feelings of “if only”. If only we were like, “the Jones””, “if only” we had a vacation home, or “if only” my spouse planned a vacation for us. Falling prey to the “if only’s” is like getting stuck in a roundabout. You will never arrive as long as the target is not your destination, and as long as it’s constantly moving. Stay in your lane and on your path as a couple. Let everyone else do their own thing. Their journey is different than yours, and that’s exactly how it should be.

Hurrying. When you feel like things are taking too long to get better, keep in mind that change takes time. Your marriage will always be a work in progress. Don’t get caught up in thinking that 2 steps forward, one step backwards is a bad thing. Give each other grace and time to make adjustments, to meet goals or to learn new things. Give your problems time to be repaired. Most things in your marriage won’t be immediate. That’s ok. Don’t rush change and don’t give up because it’s not happening fast enough. 

All things said and done, if you want to keep moving forward in your marriage, especially during the hard times, be prepared and solution focused for the hard times, keep jealousy and envy at bay, and add lots of patience and grace for one another. Don’t let discouragement take over. 

Marriage is a wonderful journey and it’s meant to be filled with all the things; love, patience, frustration, refining, redemption, joy, goodness, all of it. Take your time in it. Savor the ride and keep growing it and building it. Make good choices for your marriage.

“And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up” Galatians 6:9

Enjoy the Journey!

2 Simple Things For A Strong Marriage

2 Simple Things For A Strong Marriage

by | Jun 10, 2019 | Articles

There aren’t really any big secrets about having a strong and satisfying marriage.  It’s not a matter of luck, and it’s most certainly not a matter of being married to the right person. There are however, a couple of things that might help. 

It turns out that the couples who report the greatest satisfaction in their marriage share certain things in common, specifically these two “simple” things. 

1. They spend time together.  Shocking, I know, but you’d be surprised (unless your marriage is one of these) how many couples don’t spend much time together. The successful couples are intentional about making time together, and they protect that time. 

It’s important to know that when we say spending time, we mean quality time, and quite honestly, quality time often comes from quantity time. You can’t just make quality time happen in the 5 minutes you have to spare for each other. Sure, you can be intentional in those few minutes, but overall, it just needs to be more than that. Leftover time to collapse at the end of the day doesn’t really count! 

2. They touch each other… a lot… and often. We’re not talking about big public displays of affection, or even having to hold hands everywhere they go.  We’re talking sweet, affectionate, reassuring touch. The kind of touch that is comforting and connecting. The kind of touching that reminds us that we are safe and connected, even on bad days. This may be the quick squeezing of the shoulders after a long day at work, a hand on the small of her back while out in public or at home, or the running of your fingers briefly through each others hair as you pass by. Those brief tender touches can go a long way.

Now, we realize that these may seem to be two simple things, but they may not be as simple to execute. After all, you’re busy and you’re often disconnected as a couple, trying  to get from one point to the next all day long. At the end of the day, you’re just two tired people who have been running around all day pouring yourselves out. It is for that very reason why these two simple things need to become a priority. 

Left unattended, life will begin to steal from you as a couple. It will keep rushing forward unless you pull back the reins and slow it down. No one intentionally sets out to be too busy, it just happens, unless you don’t allow it to.

Going forward, as you move about your day, take the time to pause and evaluate. If these two things seem impossible, can we suggest that might be a clue that you need to pull back the reins somewhere. It might be time for a schedule change, a child’s activity to be dropped, or hours at the office to be pulled back, if possible. 

Life is hard, busy and often draining, but what makes it even harder, is going through it alone. Take the time and invest the time and the touch in your marriage. Marriage is a journey meant to be enjoyed together!

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The Most Common Divorce Months. Do You Know Them?

The Most Common Divorce Months. Do You Know Them?

by | Jun 3, 2019 | Articles

I’m guessing you’re reading this because the title peaked your curiosity to simply find out what the most common divorce months are? 

Or, perhaps you’re struggling a bit or on the brink of divorce and you wanted to see if maybe knowing these two months would give you some sort of a sign or even normalize some of your feelings.

On the other hand, maybe you’re reading because you want all the info you can get on avoiding divorce because you want your marriage to thrive. Regardless of why you’re reading, I’m glad that you are.

We won’t make you wait anymore, those months are March and August. But now that you’ve got the info you came for, please keep reading…. 

March and August seem like odd months for divorce rates to be high, but there is a reason they are. In fact, I’m writing this in June on purpose. Both March and August are on the heels of some catalyst times and events that can sometimes lead to divorce, so of course it is our hope to derail some of them.

In the months before March are some big holiday seasons. Lots of family get togethers and lots of Christmas debt collected. Let’s not forget Valentines Day, the all about love holiday. 

All of these occasions can create a perfect storm for some intense bickering and highlighting of marital emptiness. We’ll be back to fill you in on more of the March contributors when that season rolls around again, but for now, let’s focus on the one at hand, Summer.

Summer time can create a great platform for last ditch efforts for couples who have already been struggling. The kids are home and they easily become the focus. No one wants to ruin the kids summer with a divorce, so why not go all in for the next few months and then separate once school starts again? This genuinely is the school of thought for a lot of couples.

It’s also vacation time, and we all know how well a good ol’ happy family vacation will fix a marriage! No, really. Couples all over are being deceived into thinking that a nice vacation will fix their marital woes. It won’t. 

Vacations can provide us a lot of things, but fixing a marriage, is not one of them. In fact, the opposite tends to happen. So much weight is put into the perfect vacation bonding you again as a couple, that when it just slightly goes awry, it sends the couple plummeting down into the “this is never going to work” pit. I mean after all, if we can’t get along on the beach during a vacation, then we’re never going to be able to get along. The last ditch proves to be fruitless.

The problem with the vacation method is not the vacation itself. In fact, vacations can be AMAZING for reconnecting couples, just not when they include so much denial. 

The bottom line is this, if you’re struggling in your marriage, there is no magical cure. Make a decision today to stop looking for one. The truth is, you have to work to change it! 

Don’t depend on vacations, holidays or wishes of new beginnings to fix your marriage. Also, don’t let those times stress you out so much that they increase division.

The reality is, the only thing that will fix your marriage is trusting God for redemption and making a decision to actively begin working on it…Did you hear that? Read it again, out loud, the only thing that will fix your marriage is trusting God for redemption and making a decision to actively begin working on it.

Let that sink in because it could change your life and your marriage! 

Your vacation time and money will be much better served investing in your marriage and the the work that needs to be done to change it. So, get off Trip Advisor and call a counselor, a marriage coach, or a couple you trust. Keep reading some blogs, heck, talk to each another about solutions! You CAN turn this around. That way you can actually vacation for the FUN instead of the fix! 

Oh, and for the record, it’s not easier for your kids to go through a divorce just because they’re back at school. What’s easiest for them is for mom and dad to heal their marriage. 

Worth it, all day long. 

Let us know how we can help you….Enjoy the Journey!