5 Ways to Navigate Family Tension at the Thanksgiving Table

Thanksgiving is meant to gather us around a table of gratitude, but let’s be honest, sometimes it feels like sitting at the edge of a relational minefield. Family dynamics, old wounds, differing opinions, they all have a way of testing our patience, posture, and our sanity peace.

If you’re heading into a holiday meal where you know there will be tension, here are five faith-centered steps to help guard your heart, speak with wisdom, and be an example of grace through the many conversations at the table.

1. Begin with Prayer — Before You Feast (or maybe even before you sit down)

Don’t wait until conflict brews to seek God’s help. Pause before the first bite. Ask Him to fill you with patience instead of irritation, humility instead of pride, compassion instead of judgment.
Let your mealtime prayer be more than a blessing over food. Make it a plea for divine presence in every interaction. You can pray this for the whole family or just silently on your own. Regardless, don’t forget to ask for the Holy Spirit’s help.

2. Serve Grace Alongside the Mashed Potatoes

When your “favorite” aunt starts critiquing your life choices or Uncle Bob brings up politics again, attempt to respond with gentleness, not attitude. If needed, tell your face this plan as well 😉.
Grace doesn’t mean letting everything slide, it means giving people what they don’t deserve, even when they act in ways you don’t like. Use your words to soften tension, instead of fueling it.

3. Reorient Your Focus from Faults to Blessings

It’s easy to get stuck on the flaws. Her critical tone. His indifference. The awkward silences. But on this thankful day, try this: look for the good. Glance around the table at people you love, even the ones who test your limits, and name one thing, out loud if possible, that you’re grateful for about them. Gratitude can shift the entire atmosphere of the room.

4. Start a “Thankful Tradition”

Once the turkey is passed, invite everyone to say one thing they’re thankful for.
Yes, it can be awkward, but it can set a tone of unity, soften defenses, and reorient the conversation from contention to family connection.

If someone hesitates, just remind them that there is always something to be grateful for, even a family whose differences point you back to God’s grace.

5. Let Laughter Be Your Unexpected Dessert

When tension is heavy, don’t hesitate to break the script by sharing a memory. Maybe even tell a funny story, reminding everyone of the time the turkey got dropped and was half eaten by the dog, or when the turkey didn’t even get finished cooking until 9pm and you couldn’t even eat it (true story from our own life!).

Laughter doesn’t nullify pain, but it does remind us of joy’s place even in hard spaces. And sometimes, a well-timed chuckle disarms walls faster than a well-polished apology, or an issue being swept under the rug.

🧡 A Thanksgiving Prayer for Every Seat at the Table

Heavenly Father,
Thank You for our family that is imperfect, messy, and miraculous. As we gather today, I ask that You fill our hearts with grace, humility, and wisdom. Help us to listen more than we rush to speak, to extend kindness when tension rises, and to lean into reconciliation rather than defensiveness. Use our time together, Lord, to soften hearts, foster understanding, and remind us that love is meant to outlast conflict.
In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Marriage is meant to be a safe and sacred space built on honesty, mutual respect, and emotional safety. But sometimes, what’s become normal in a relationship is anything but healthy. When confusion and secrecy start showing up more than trust and connection, it’s time to pause and take an honest look what might be happening.

Here are a few things that are not normal in a healthy, God-honoring marriage — even if you’ve been told they are:

🔒 Hidden Passwords or Secret Conversations

Transparency is the foundation of trust, and trust is foundational in marriage. When passwords are hidden or text conversations are kept secret, it breeds uncertainty and suspicion. A spouse who is walking in integrity has no reason to keep their phone, messages, or online life in the dark.

If you find yourself constantly wondering what’s on your spouse’s phone or feeling uneasy about what they might be hiding, that’s not “being controlling”, that’s your God-given discernment alerting you that something’s off. This is especially true if your spouse refuses to let you see their phone.

Scripture reminds us:

“The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in people who are trustworthy.” — Proverbs 12:22

Healthy marriages thrive in the light, not behind screens or secret passcodes.

💔 Dismissed Feelings: Dealing with Disbelief and Invalidations

Being told “you’re overreacting” or “it’s not a big deal” when you’re clearly hurt is not normal. It’s dismissive. Emotional invalidation eats away at connection and leaves you feeling unseen and unheard.

When your gut says something isn’t right, or if something truly bothers you, and your spouse continually minimizes it, confusion and self-doubt grow. And that’s not love, that’s manipulation or avoidance.

Healthy communication sounds like:

“I can see this really bothers you. Help me understand why.”
Not: “You’re too sensitive.”

Love doesn’t try to silence you. It makes efforts to hear you.

🪞 Their Friends, Phone, or Hobbies Always Come First

Yes, balance is important, and friendships and hobbies matter. But when your spouse consistently prioritizes everything else over you, that’s not normal partnership in marriage.

Marriage requires intentional time and emotional investment. If you always feel like you’re coming in last, the issue isn’t your neediness, it’s the lack of mutual prioritization.

Remember:

“Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” — Philippians 2:4

Love makes time, energy and space for one another.

💳 Chronic Lies About Money or Whereabouts

A lie is never small when it’s repeated. When there’s dishonesty about spending, location, or relationships, that pattern slowly erodes safety.

You deserve truth, not half-truths or constant explanations that just “don’t add up.” Trust will only exist where honesty does.

If lying has become common, it’s not a “communication issue,” it’s a truth and integrity issue. And truth is the very oxygen of intimacy.

⚠️ Being Told to Believe What You Know Is a Lie

If you’re told you’re imagining things or “crazy” for seeing what’s right in front of you, that’s not normal, it’s gaslighting.

Gaslighting distorts your reality to make you question yourself. It’s emotionally abusive and deeply damaging to your sense of safety.

“The truth will set you free.” — John 8:32
God’s Word never calls us to deny reality to maintain peace. He calls us to walk in truth and wisdom.

🌀 Anything That Breeds Confusion

Here’s the bottom line:
Anything that continually breeds confusion in your relationship is meant to. And that’s why it’s not normal. (Read that again if you need to)

Confusion is not from God. His ways bring peace, clarity, and conviction, not constant second-guessing and emotional chaos.

“For God is not a God of confusion but of peace.” — 1 Corinthians 14:33

If you’re constantly left wondering what’s real and what’s not, it’s time to take a step back, pray for discernment, and seek wise, biblical counsel.

💡 A Word of Hope

If you’re reading this and realizing that some of these things sound familiar, take heart.  Awareness is the first step toward healing.

You don’t have to stay stuck in a cycle of secrecy, confusion, or dismissal. God sees the pain that’s hard to put into words, and He wants to lead you toward truth and restoration.

Healing doesn’t begin by pretending everything is fine. It begins by bringing the truth into the light.

“The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” — John 1:5

Or for some encouragement, check out A Message From God for Your Hurting Marriage

When you share your email address with us, the personal information you provide is used to send you the requested free resources and relevant offers, promotions, and updates to help encourage and support you in your marriage. Your information will not be shared with anyone outside of Expedition Marriage. You can unsubscribe at any time by clicking the tab at the bottom of all emails.

What do I do if my Spouse Wants a Divorce and I Don’t?

Nothing is more heart-wrenching than sensing or knowing your spouse has one foot out the door. It’s a challenging, painful place to be—but it may not be as hopeless as it feels. If this is the pace you’re finding yourself in, here are some practical steps you can take in your fight for your marriage.

1) Respond—Don’t React

Chaos breeds reaction. When your spouse appears emotionally checked out, your instinct might be to panic or plead. Instead, take a deep breath and choose your response wisely. Your calm presence can create space for pause rather than push them away.

2) Lean In and Listen

Don’t argue the details or defend yourself. Simply invite them to share how they’re feeling—because understanding what’s causing their exhaustion is the first step toward healing. By listening, you breathe hope into a situation that may feel hopeless.

Example language you could use:

“I’m so sorry that we’ve gotten here, and I want you to know I will do everything I can to save our marriage. I still want to be married to you.”

3) Work on You

Pull back from the blame game. Instead, focus on becoming a safer, more present spouse. Ask yourself:

• Have I swept underlying problems under the rug?
• Do I avoid conflict or handle it poorly?
• Have I neglected to set healthy boundaries?

Improving yourself doesn’t force change—it invites it by modeling what safe, relational love looks like.

4) Let Your Efforts Speak

You may take steps forward while your spouse holds back. That’s okay. Your authentic transformation can serve as an invitation—not a demand—for them to stay. If they do choose to walk away, you will know you did everything you could.

5) Get Help

You don’t have to walk this alone. Talking to a trusted counselor or coach creates a safe space for repair, guiding you through healing whether or not your spouse fully participates.

Healing Prayer:

Lord, right now my heart feels broken, and hope feels fragile. Yet, even here, You are working. Soften our hearts as a couple, bring clarity and calm to any chaos or discouragement, and show us how to repair what’s been fractured. May Your grace be the bridge that restores connection. In Jesus Name, Amen.

If this resonates with your journey, know that we’re here to walk alongside you. Reach out anytime—or explore our Counseling & Coaching services for tailored support.

Or for some encouragement, check out A Message From God for Your Hurting Marriage

When you share your email address with us, the personal information you provide is used to send you the requested free resources and relevant offers, promotions, and updates to help encourage and support you in your marriage. Your information will not be shared with anyone outside of Expedition Marriage. You can unsubscribe at any time by clicking the tab at the bottom of all emails.

*If you’re in an abusive or unsafe marriage, this message is not meant for your situation. God does not ask you to stay in harm’s way. Please seek help, support, and safety. You are deeply valued, and you are not alone.

Marriage can be one of the most beautiful parts of life—but it can also be one of the most painful places to feel alone.

 Maybe you’re the one trying.
The one praying.
The one reading the books, initiating the conversations, suggesting counseling.
And maybe… your spouse isn’t.

If you’re feeling like you’re the only one fighting for your marriage, I want you to hear this loud and clear:

You were never meant to carry your marriage on your own.

When Your Strength Isn’t Enough

We all hit a breaking point when we realize our human strength has limits. It’s discouraging when your best effort still isn’t enough to fix what’s broken.

But here’s the truth—your strength was never supposed to be enough.

Psalm 73:26 reminds us,

“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”

God never asked you to white-knuckle your way through pain or pretend everything is fine. He simply asks you to bring your weakness to Him—because that’s where His strength comes through the most.

What If My Spouse Refuses to Do the Work?

This may be one of the hardest places to land in a marriage:
You’re ready to grow, you desperately want to heal, and surrender to God—but your spouse is unwilling.

Maybe they don’t want counseling.
Maybe they won’t talk about deeper issues.
Maybe they’ve checked out emotionally or spiritually.

And you’re left wondering, “How can this work if I’m the only one working?”

Here’s the hope:
God can still work in your marriage—even when your spouse won’t.

Psalm 46:1 says,

“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.”

God doesn’t disappear when your spouse pulls away. In fact, He often draws nearer. He sees your effort. He honors your faithfulness. And He promises to carry you when it feels like you can’t carry anything—or anyone—else.

What Can You Do?

While you can’t change your spouse, here’s what you can do:

1. Anchor Yourself in God’s Truth

Your worth is not measured by your spouse’s choices.
God’s love for you is unshakable, and your obedience is not wasted.

Isaiah 40:29 says,

“He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.”

2. Pray—But Release Control

Yes, pray for your spouse. But don’t make their transformation your responsibility.
Ask God to do what only He can do in their heart—and rest in knowing He’s at work even when you can’t see it.

3. Protect Your Heart with Boundaries

Boundaries are not about punishment—they’re about protecting what’s healthy.
If your spouse isn’t pursuing God, that doesn’t mean you stop. Keep growing, keep guarding your peace, and don’t compromise your walk with Christ.

4. Find Safe, Godly Support

Don’t walk this road alone. Talk to a counselor, a mentor, or a trusted friend who can offer support without judgment. Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is simply ask for help.

A Final Word of Hope

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says,

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness… for when I am weak, then I am strong.”

This isn’t just true in theory—it’s true for you.

If your marriage feels one-sided right now, don’t give up.
God isn’t finished with your story.
And even if your spouse isn’t showing up, God always will.

Your role is to stay close to Him. To listen for His voice. To obey what He is asking you to do today—even if your spouse isn’t willing to join you yet.

Because when your strength runs out, His never does. None of this guarantees the outcome you may be desiring, but if you abide in the Lord, His direction will be clear, and His grace will be sufficient. He will make straight the path to follow going forward.

Reflection Questions:

• Where am I relying on my own strength instead of leaning into God’s?
• What’s one area in my marriage I need to surrender today?
• Who can I invite into my journey for support?

If this resonates with you, we want you to know—we’re with you.
And more importantly, God is with you. He’s holding you, equipping you, and working even when it feels like nothing’s moving.

You are not alone.

Find more paid and free resources at www.expeditionmarriage.org

Want More?

Listen in as we discuss this issue on Ep. 142: When You’re Fighting for Your Marriage Alone on the Expedition Marriage Podcast.

—Chris & Jamie
Expedition Marriage