What do I do if my Spouse Wants a Divorce and I Don’t?

Nothing is more heart-wrenching than sensing or knowing your spouse has one foot out the door. It’s a challenging, painful place to be—but it may not be as hopeless as it feels. If this is the pace you’re finding yourself in, here are some practical steps you can take in your fight for your marriage.

1) Respond—Don’t React

Chaos breeds reaction. When your spouse appears emotionally checked out, your instinct might be to panic or plead. Instead, take a deep breath and choose your response wisely. Your calm presence can create space for pause rather than push them away.

2) Lean In and Listen

Don’t argue the details or defend yourself. Simply invite them to share how they’re feeling—because understanding what’s causing their exhaustion is the first step toward healing. By listening, you breathe hope into a situation that may feel hopeless.

Example language you could use:

“I’m so sorry that we’ve gotten here, and I want you to know I will do everything I can to save our marriage. I still want to be married to you.”

3) Work on You

Pull back from the blame game. Instead, focus on becoming a safer, more present spouse. Ask yourself:

• Have I swept underlying problems under the rug?
• Do I avoid conflict or handle it poorly?
• Have I neglected to set healthy boundaries?

Improving yourself doesn’t force change—it invites it by modeling what safe, relational love looks like.

4) Let Your Efforts Speak

You may take steps forward while your spouse holds back. That’s okay. Your authentic transformation can serve as an invitation—not a demand—for them to stay. If they do choose to walk away, you will know you did everything you could.

5) Get Help

You don’t have to walk this alone. Talking to a trusted counselor or coach creates a safe space for repair, guiding you through healing whether or not your spouse fully participates.

Healing Prayer:

Lord, right now my heart feels broken, and hope feels fragile. Yet, even here, You are working. Soften our hearts as a couple, bring clarity and calm to any chaos or discouragement, and show us how to repair what’s been fractured. May Your grace be the bridge that restores connection. In Jesus Name, Amen.

If this resonates with your journey, know that we’re here to walk alongside you. Reach out anytime—or explore our Counseling & Coaching services for tailored support.

Or for some encouragement, check out A Message From God for Your Hurting Marriage

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*If you’re in an abusive or unsafe marriage, this message is not meant for your situation. God does not ask you to stay in harm’s way. Please seek help, support, and safety. You are deeply valued, and you are not alone.

Marriage can be one of the most beautiful parts of life—but it can also be one of the most painful places to feel alone.

 Maybe you’re the one trying.
The one praying.
The one reading the books, initiating the conversations, suggesting counseling.
And maybe… your spouse isn’t.

If you’re feeling like you’re the only one fighting for your marriage, I want you to hear this loud and clear:

You were never meant to carry your marriage on your own.

When Your Strength Isn’t Enough

We all hit a breaking point when we realize our human strength has limits. It’s discouraging when your best effort still isn’t enough to fix what’s broken.

But here’s the truth—your strength was never supposed to be enough.

Psalm 73:26 reminds us,

“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”

God never asked you to white-knuckle your way through pain or pretend everything is fine. He simply asks you to bring your weakness to Him—because that’s where His strength comes through the most.

What If My Spouse Refuses to Do the Work?

This may be one of the hardest places to land in a marriage:
You’re ready to grow, you desperately want to heal, and surrender to God—but your spouse is unwilling.

Maybe they don’t want counseling.
Maybe they won’t talk about deeper issues.
Maybe they’ve checked out emotionally or spiritually.

And you’re left wondering, “How can this work if I’m the only one working?”

Here’s the hope:
God can still work in your marriage—even when your spouse won’t.

Psalm 46:1 says,

“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.”

God doesn’t disappear when your spouse pulls away. In fact, He often draws nearer. He sees your effort. He honors your faithfulness. And He promises to carry you when it feels like you can’t carry anything—or anyone—else.

What Can You Do?

While you can’t change your spouse, here’s what you can do:

1. Anchor Yourself in God’s Truth

Your worth is not measured by your spouse’s choices.
God’s love for you is unshakable, and your obedience is not wasted.

Isaiah 40:29 says,

“He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.”

2. Pray—But Release Control

Yes, pray for your spouse. But don’t make their transformation your responsibility.
Ask God to do what only He can do in their heart—and rest in knowing He’s at work even when you can’t see it.

3. Protect Your Heart with Boundaries

Boundaries are not about punishment—they’re about protecting what’s healthy.
If your spouse isn’t pursuing God, that doesn’t mean you stop. Keep growing, keep guarding your peace, and don’t compromise your walk with Christ.

4. Find Safe, Godly Support

Don’t walk this road alone. Talk to a counselor, a mentor, or a trusted friend who can offer support without judgment. Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is simply ask for help.

A Final Word of Hope

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says,

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness… for when I am weak, then I am strong.”

This isn’t just true in theory—it’s true for you.

If your marriage feels one-sided right now, don’t give up.
God isn’t finished with your story.
And even if your spouse isn’t showing up, God always will.

Your role is to stay close to Him. To listen for His voice. To obey what He is asking you to do today—even if your spouse isn’t willing to join you yet.

Because when your strength runs out, His never does. None of this guarantees the outcome you may be desiring, but if you abide in the Lord, His direction will be clear, and His grace will be sufficient. He will make straight the path to follow going forward.

Reflection Questions:

• Where am I relying on my own strength instead of leaning into God’s?
• What’s one area in my marriage I need to surrender today?
• Who can I invite into my journey for support?

If this resonates with you, we want you to know—we’re with you.
And more importantly, God is with you. He’s holding you, equipping you, and working even when it feels like nothing’s moving.

You are not alone.

Find more paid and free resources at www.expeditionmarriage.org

Want More?

Listen in as we discuss this issue on Ep. 142: When You’re Fighting for Your Marriage Alone on the Expedition Marriage Podcast.

—Chris & Jamie
Expedition Marriage

 “We feel the present with the intensity of the past, but have no idea the past is being evoked.”


—Dr. Dan Siegel

Have you ever felt something rise up in you during an argument with your spouse that seemed… disproportionate?
 Like they said something small, but your emotional response was huge?

Welcome to the world of implicit memory.

What Is Implicit Memory?

Most of us are familiar with explicit memory—the memories we can explain and recall. But implicit memory is different. It’s the kind of memory stored in the body and emotional brain—unconscious but deeply felt.

It’s the feeling of being dismissed, abandoned, unseen, or unsafe—not always because of your spouse, but because something from your past is being activated in the present.

And unless we become aware of it, we’ll keep reacting to our spouse based on pain they didn’t cause.

How Implicit Memories Show Up in Marriage

• You feel rejected when your spouse gets quiet—but it may trace back to feeling ignored as a child.

• You overreact when your spouse is late—not because of the moment, but because it touches an old wound of feeling unimportant.
• You shut down during conflict—because growing up, expressing emotion wasn’t safe.

These reactions often confuse both spouses. One feels misunderstood, the other feels attacked or abandoned.

But here’s the hope: awareness is the beginning of healing.

What Scripture Says About Healing the Unseen

Psalm 139:23-24 says,
“Search me, O God, and know my heart… see if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”

God knows the hidden places in our hearts—even the ones we’ve buried. And He invites us to bring them into the light.

Healing doesn’t begin with fixing—it begins with naming. With noticing. With letting Jesus walk us back to the story behind the feeling… so we can respond from grace instead of pain.

Feeling Stuck in Your Marriage? You’re Not Alone

If your marriage feels stuck right now—like no matter what you try, nothing is working—I want to remind you of something important:

You are not alone.

But what if your stuckness is actually serving you in some way?

That’s a hard question—but an important one.

How might staying stuck actually be serving me?

• Is it protecting me from hoping again—because if I hope, I might be disappointed?
• Is it helping me stay small, where it feels safer and more familiar?
• Is there a lie I’m believing—like “This will never change” or “It’s all up to me”—that keeps me from healing?
• Have I developed a loyalty to my stuckness, because more of a victim mentality feels easier than risking vulnerability or trust?

Here’s what I know: God didn’t create you—or your marriage—for survival mode. He created you for abundance and growth.

Romans 12:2 says,

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.”

So if your heart is weary today, start with a shift in mindset. Ask God to renew your hope. To highlight the lies that need replacing. To show you just one small step you can take toward connection, healing, and restoration.

Because you don’t have to fix it all. You just have to keep moving—with Jesus leading the way.

There is hope. Even here. Even now.
Don’t stop. Just take the next step.

*This blog is not intended for anyone in a toxic or abusive marriage. If this is you, let someone know or seek professional help

*Disclaimer: The information discussed in this podcast is meant for entertainment purposes and is not meant to replace counseling or working with a trained healthcare professional.