5 Tips for Having Hard Conversations

by email@expeditionmarriage.org | Jul 31, 2022 | Articles

Do you struggle with talking about difficult topics with your spouse because you’re worried about how it will go? Or maybe it’s a conversation you’ve had before that keeps on turning into an argument? We all know that difficult conversations can be stressful, but they really don’t have to be.

How to Have Hard Conversations with your Spouse

Step one is to plan for it. Decide in advance what exactly it is you want to talk about. Ask yourself these questions before you have your chat; “What is it I want my spouse to understand?” and “What am I hoping the outcome of this conversation will be and am I willing to allow it to look differently than I’d like?”. By having a plan it is less likely for you to experience a blindside that will trigger you to avoid or to lash out.

Next, choose your timing. Having a hard conversation when your spouse just got home from work, is tired, already bothered, or hungry, will rarely produce a positive outcome. Oftentimes we try to have these conversations when emotions are already elevated because something happened to remind us of them. Don’t take the bait on that one. Instead, pick a time to talk when it’s calm, when the kids aren’t around, and when both of you are in decent moods. The least number of interruptions you can have, the better.

You also don’t want to forget to set the tone. Be clear before you begin by saying something like,”I want to share this with you and my intention is to not argue, but instead to have a good conversation.” Have open and positive body language and tone of voice. You want to come across as sincere and non-accusatory. A shift in your body such as crossed arms or an eye roll can change the entire direction of a conversation.

Next, you want to be sure to stay on track. It’s easy to get baited into getting off topic. Remember to address one issue at a time and mentally decide in advance to stay on topic. This should be part of your planning process too.

Finally, invite grace and understanding to the conversation. Be intentional about listening to your spouse and offering lots of grace as they absorb and process the conversation. Remember, you planned for this, they didn’t. Make room for their reactions and allow them to have their own feelings, thoughts, and opinions.

At the end of the day, if you want to get good at having hard conversations, you will need to make a lot of room for pausing, listening, and understanding, and last of all practice. Be willing to fail your way forward with this. Keep trying and you’ll get there!

If you need more communication tips, be sure to check out the Expedition Marriage podcast and their series on Communication Killers and their Kryptonite. You can find it here.

Why Just Having More Sex Is NOT The Answer

by email@expeditionmarriage.org | Jul 17, 2022 | Articles

Have you ever come across a blog, a social media post, or even heard from a well-meaning friend or even pastor, to not withhold sex from your husband or to make sure you’re having more of it to meet his needs?

We see these posts and hear these messages all the time as marriage counselors and let us tell you, while there may be times when a wife is withholding sex as manipulation or a form of punishment, in most accounts, that is not the case. Many women are withholding sex for many other reasons and telling them just to have more of it to satisfy their husbands is harmful.

When there are sexual problems in a marriage it seems that a lot of the responsibility for correcting them is placed upon the wife. This should not be the case. Wives are told if they don’t want their husband to cheat or look at porn, just have more sex. If they’re too tired at the end of the day, just give in so his needs can be met. After all, sex seems to be this primal need for a man so it’s important to keep him happy.

Good grief…

This is such a poor message for the husband and the wife. Husbands statistically have a higher sex drive, not always, but in most cases, however this does not make them some uncontrolled animal who always is in search of sex. Sure, they may desire it a little more, but men don’t need sex any more than a woman does. How do we know that? Because God made it for BOTH, and for both of their pleasure.

As a wife, you don’t have to be responsible for the sexual sin of your husband – whether he looks at porn or dives into an affair. That is 100% on him. God gave him self-control and the ability to flee from temptation. If he doesn’t feel you’re giving him enough sex for his liking, then here’s what he should do instead…. Ask you if you and/or everything is ok and ask what you need from him!

Here’s an example:
“Babe, I really miss making love to you and would love for that to happen a little more. I was just wondering since we’re not having sex as much, if you’re ok or is there something I can help with? I want us both to be satisfied with our love life and just wanted to check in.”

You see, most women aren’t withholding out of spite and control. It’s just that “duty sex” just isn’t appealing, not to mention it’s also not what God intended. And it’s likely there are other reasons for the lack of desire.

Just to name a few:

Exhaustion—Many wives are drained physically, mentally, and emotionally.
Physical pain—Sex physically hurts some women.
Hormones—Hormones fluctuate and affect mood and energy on a regular basis, and even more when there’s chronic dysregulation happening.
Past trauma—If there’s ever been abuse, especially sexual abuse in their life.
Emotional disconnection—A lack of emotional intimacy is common and always a barrier for women. Being married and lonely is never going to be arousing.

At the end of the day should we be asking exhausted, hurting, traumatized, hormonally dysregulated, emotionally disconnected women to just fall on the altar of sex because their husband needs it?

That’s a resounding NO!

What we should be doing instead is having husbands who love their wives like Christ loves the church. Husbands that care for them and ask them how they can help them be less exhausted. Husbands who support their wives in getting any medical care they need. Husbands who talk and connect with their wives. And husbands who help their wives get the help they need while they heal from any past trauma.

Just having more sex may keep the husband happy, but why isn’t anyone asking what will that do for the wife?

It’s time to quit treating sex like a duty for the wife to keep her man satisfied and return it to its original design; pleasurable, fulfilling, and connecting body, soul, and mind for BOTH husband and wife. We want you both to experience a fulfilling and satisfied sex life.

Check out the Expedition Marriage podcast to learn ways to communicate, connect, and make God the center of your marriage.

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When Prayer Isn’t Enough for Your Destructive Marriage

by email@expeditionmarriage.org | Jun 28, 2022 | Articles

As husband-and-wife marriage therapists, we are as big of proponents for marriage than most anyone is. As Christian marriage therapists we are even bigger believers in prayer and the redeeming power of God. We believe there is nothing that He can’t do and that nothing is impossible for Him.

But does that always mean He will heal and redeem every marriage? Sadly, no.
While God is indeed a miracle worker, often when it comes to our relationships, He wants us to play a role in the redemption process too.

He can bring forth change, and we’re all capable of being changed. In fact, He is the only One who never changes. As for our change, He can prompt us, intervene, and call us to obedience, but we have ownership in listening, receiving, and applying what He invites us to do.
So, should you stop praying? No, of course not—but what you pray may need to change, and where you’re praying from may need to change too.

If you’ve been praying over and over for your husband, your husband who consistently and chronically, calls you names, belittles you, gaslights you, or emotionally, physically, or spiritually abuses you; your husband who blames you for everything and takes no ownership for anything or makes no changes whatsoever, it’s time to pause. He is not a man who is listening to or responding to God.

God can and will change the heart of a husband who listens and responds, but He will never force his heart to change. Your husband must be a willing participant.

Praying for your husband and marriage will never be wrong, but sometimes it needs to involve some action, too. You can pray while you decide not to tolerate any more abuse or toxicity. The hard truth is that even while praying, you still often get what you’re willing to tolerate, and that’s why it’s important to know that you can pray while you also place boundaries. You can even pray while you’re separated. And if you’re confused about any of it, you can change your prayer to “God, help me to see the truth.” He will show you.
So many times, Christian women stay in a destructive marriage because it’s the Godly wife thing to do. Sometimes they stay because they’re confused, and sometimes they stay because they’re in denial and want so badly for their marriage to work. And, sometimes they stay because no one has told them that the Lord loves them more than He loves marriage.

If this is you, let us be the first to tell you that God will never ask you to be abused in His name. You are His daughter and how you are treated matters.

Now, let’s close on some good news, shall we? God still does answer prayer, but sometimes what He uses the most to bring forth change is the consequences of unchanged and unrepented behavior and choices. You taking a stand and saying, “No more!”, may very well be the exact thing He uses to bring forth that change you’ve been praying for the whole time. In fact, those boundaries are your husband’s best chance at becoming the man God called him to be in the first place, and without them he’s just incentivized to stay the same.

God knows what your husband and your marriage need. Pray, act if needed, and trust His process.

If you need some more help and resources for your marriage, check out the Expedition Marriage website and podcast.

And, if you really want to specifically pray for your husband, check out our free 30 day Praying for your Husband Challenge.

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Reasons Not to Divorce

by email@expeditionmarriage.org | Jun 22, 2022 | Articles

Just recently my husband and I had the opportunity to return to our home state to the exact spot that he got down on one knee and proposed almost 30 years ago. We couldn’t help but think about how much we had gone through as a couple and how much there was that we were simply not prepared for.

We knew marriage would be a journey, but we had no idea how many valleys it would take us through. We also had no idea how much refinement we were both going to need, and we certainly didn’t know that it would be our spouse who would be helping with those refining moments!
As we looked back we realized how much we would have missed had we given up, and boy were we tempted! We thought about how different our children’s lives would be, and how different their own marriages would be if we had called it quits.

We certainly know that not all marriages survive, and in fact some shouldn’t because of how toxic or abusive they are. We also know that far more end that shouldn’t, and we’re so glad ours wasn’t one of them, despite how hard it got at times. In light of all our pondering we have this to share with you…

Bad Reasons to Divorce

As Christian marriage counselors, we hear an awful lot of, “I just don’t love them anymore.” Falling out of love is something we believe is a bad reason for divorce. Instead of a call for divorce, it can be an opportunity to grow a mature, deeper love—a love that is based on action, actions of patience, kindness, humility, and selflessness. You didn’t start off loving your spouse when you met them, you intentionally grew it. That can happen again with some effort and the right mindset.

Another thought is, “I need to find myself”. To put it more bluntly, in a loving and honest way, that thought process is a selfish one. Your marriage should be helping you become more of who you are and you helping your spouse become more of who they should be too. You can work on yourself and your marriage together. You should not be in your marriage with a self-focus. That’s always a recipe for disaster.

Here’s another one, “God wants me to be happy”. We hear this one all the time and the truth is, God will never use the sin of divorce (divorce without a justifiable cause) to achieve happiness. He will not break apart something He joined together for the sake of something so wavering and temporal. Happiness is the icing on the cake of marriage, not the goal.

Finally, the old, “We grew apart”. What this really means is perhaps you didn’t invest in your marriage and intentionally grow together. The only way to grow apart is to head in different directions, and if you can do that, then you can certainly turn it around and begin to grow back together.

So, here’s the deal, your marriage is going to have problems, and abuse and adultery aside, it’s not the problems that get you into divorce court, it’s what you do with those problems that’s the real culprit.

The majority of marriage struggles, including those listed above, can be corrected and overcome. It will take some work, some effort, and perhaps some humility, mindset shifting, and grace, but when you walked down the aisle this was truly what you signed up for. What the Enemy is using for harm, God is big enough to turn it around and use it for good. Divorce will never fix your problems, especially if done unnecessarily. In fact, it will only bring you more.

Lean in, get some help, and give your marriage your best efforts.

If you want to hear more of what we learned about marriage from our engagement spot, check out The Expedition Marriage podcast, episode 65, What We Didn’t Know about Marriage. Be sure to check out the other episodes for more practical help and encouragement too!

xoxo, Chris & Jamie

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3 Things That Might be Destroying Your Marriage

by email@expeditionmarriage.org | May 16, 2022 | Articles

When I look back on our early years of marriage I often wonder how in the world we made it to year 28! I’ve told my husband on more than one occasion how grateful I am that God chose to put blinders on him for him to marry me. While that sounds self-deprecating, it’s honest. I came with tons of red flags that should have steered him clear of me for a while.

But, here we are, 28 married years later, thriving and abounding in the grace of God.

Aside from the grace of God—and those blinders – I can say with confidence that had we not worked on these specific things our marriage would have surely been doomed. In fact, as marriage counselors, we see these things take out couples all the time.

Ready to know what they are?

3 Things that Might Destroy your Marriage

Past trauma– I came into my marriage with a lot of baggage, baggage that came from my family of origin. All kinds of stuff that I was glad to walk away from hoping to never deal with again—except that is not how trauma works. It stays with you until you deal with it. Not dealing with your past, no matter how significant or insignificant, will always trip you up. Your past will always bring forth triggers and if you don’t make yourself aware of them or process through them, they’ll eat away at your marriage.

Working on your past may involve professional help, pastoral counsel, or just some solid chats with a friend, or even your spouse. The healthiest marriages contain two healthy individuals. It’s worth it to do what you need to do to find healing.

Trying to change your spouse- If you flip this one around and ponder on what it might feel like to have someone constantly trying to fix you, change you, or remind you that you’re not good enough, that might be all the perspective change you need to not do this to your spouse. No one changes, at least in a healthy way, by reminding them how inadequate they are. Learn to love your spouse where they’re at. Inspire growth in them by growing yourself. And if they’re truly unhealthy, it might be time for some boundaries. We always recommend Boundaries in Marriage to help with that. Finally, this leads us to what I think is the most important one…
Not taking personal responsibility. When you get caught up in the blame game there are no winners, and your marriage can really take a hit. When you fail to own what you need to own, you’re giving up opportunities for change and growth—and the thing about marriage is that there is no remaining the same, it’s either moving forward or it’s moving backward.

Humility in marriage is a game changer. It will draw you closer to one another and you will have more individual and more marital peace. Pride always comes before the fall—be humble enough to grow, learn, and get better. You’ll be a better spouse and you’ll be in a better marriage.

If you’re feeling like you’re on a downhill spiral and need to get on the same page again, you might want to check out our Restoring Connection 4-week Plan. It will be sure to get you back on track in just 10 short minutes a day!

Restoring Connection Plan