When Prayer Isn’t Enough for Your Destructive Marriage

When Prayer Isn’t Enough for Your Destructive Marriage

by | Jun 28, 2022 | Articles

As husband-and-wife marriage therapists, we are as big of proponents for marriage than most anyone is. As Christian marriage therapists we are even bigger believers in prayer and the redeeming power of God. We believe there is nothing that He can’t do and that nothing is impossible for Him.

But does that always mean He will heal and redeem every marriage? Sadly, no.
While God is indeed a miracle worker, often when it comes to our relationships, He wants us to play a role in the redemption process too.

He can bring forth change, and we’re all capable of being changed. In fact, He is the only One who never changes. As for our change, He can prompt us, intervene, and call us to obedience, but we have ownership in listening, receiving, and applying what He invites us to do. 
So, should you stop praying? No, of course not—but what you pray may need to change, and where you’re praying from may need to change too.

If you’ve been praying over and over for your husband, your husband who consistently and chronically, calls you names, belittles you, gaslights you, or emotionally, physically, or spiritually abuses you; your husband who blames you for everything and takes no ownership for anything or makes no changes whatsoever, it’s time to pause. He is not a man who is listening to or responding to God.

God can and will change the heart of a husband who listens and responds, but He will never force his heart to change. Your husband must be a willing participant. 

Praying for your husband and marriage will never be wrong, but sometimes it needs to involve some action, too. You can pray while you decide not to tolerate any more abuse or toxicity. The hard truth is that even while praying, you still often get what you’re willing to tolerate, and that’s why it’s important to know that you can pray while you also place boundaries. You can even pray while you’re separated. And if you’re confused about any of it, you can change your prayer to “God, help me to see the truth.” He will show you.
So many times, Christian women stay in a destructive marriage because it’s the Godly wife thing to do. Sometimes they stay because they’re confused, and sometimes they stay because they’re in denial and want so badly for their marriage to work. And, sometimes they stay because no one has told them that the Lord loves them more than He loves marriage.

If this is you, let us be the first to tell you that God will never ask you to be abused in His name. You are His daughter and how you are treated matters. 

Now, let’s close on some good news, shall we? God still does answer prayer, but sometimes what He uses the most to bring forth change is the consequences of unchanged and unrepented behavior and choices. You taking a stand and saying, “No more!”, may very well be the exact thing He uses to bring forth that change you’ve been praying for the whole time. In fact, those boundaries are your husband’s best chance at becoming the man God called him to be in the first place, and without them he’s just incentivized to stay the same.

God knows what your husband and your marriage need. Pray, act if needed, and trust His process. 

If you need some more help and resources for your marriage, check out the Expedition Marriage website and podcast. 

And, if you really want to specifically pray for your husband, check out our free 30 day Praying for your Husband Challenge.

Enroll Here
Reasons Not to Divorce

Reasons Not to Divorce

by | Jun 22, 2022 | Articles

Just recently my husband and I had the opportunity to return to our home state to the exact spot that he got down on one knee and proposed almost 30 years ago. We couldn’t help but think about how much we had gone through as a couple and how much there was that we were simply not prepared for.

We knew marriage would be a journey, but we had no idea how many valleys it would take us through. We also had no idea how much refinement we were both going to need, and we certainly didn’t know that it would be our spouse who would be helping with those refining moments!
As we looked back we realized how much we would have missed had we given up, and boy were we tempted! We thought about how different our children’s lives would be, and how different their own marriages would be if we had called it quits. 

We certainly know that not all marriages survive, and in fact some shouldn’t because of how toxic or abusive they are. We also know that far more end that shouldn’t, and we’re so glad ours wasn’t one of them, despite how hard it got at times. In light of all our pondering we have this to share with you…

Bad Reasons to Divorce

As Christian marriage counselors, we hear an awful lot of, “I just don’t love them anymore.” Falling out of love is something we believe is a bad reason for divorce. Instead of a call for divorce, it can be an opportunity to grow a mature, deeper love—a love that is based on action, actions of patience, kindness, humility, and selflessness. You didn’t start off loving your spouse when you met them, you intentionally grew it. That can happen again with some effort and the right mindset.

Another thought is, “I need to find myself”. To put it more bluntly, in a loving and honest way, that thought process is a selfish one. Your marriage should be helping you become more of who you are and you helping your spouse become more of who they should be too. You can work on yourself and your marriage together. You should not be in your marriage with a self-focus. That’s always a recipe for disaster.

Here’s another one, “God wants me to be happy”. We hear this one all the time and the truth is, God will never use the sin of divorce (divorce without a justifiable cause) to achieve happiness. He will not break apart something He joined together for the sake of something so wavering and temporal. Happiness is the icing on the cake of marriage, not the goal. 

Finally, the old, “We grew apart”. What this really means is perhaps you didn’t invest in your marriage and intentionally grow together. The only way to grow apart is to head in different directions, and if you can do that, then you can certainly turn it around and begin to grow back together. 

So, here’s the deal, your marriage is going to have problems, and abuse and adultery aside, it’s not the problems that get you into divorce court, it’s what you do with those problems that’s the real culprit.

The majority of marriage struggles, including those listed above, can be corrected and overcome. It will take some work, some effort, and perhaps some humility, mindset shifting, and grace, but when you walked down the aisle this was truly what you signed up for. What the Enemy is using for harm, God is big enough to turn it around and use it for good. Divorce will never fix your problems, especially if done unnecessarily. In fact, it will only bring you more.

Lean in, get some help, and give your marriage your best efforts. 

If you want to hear more of what we learned about marriage from our engagement spot, check out The Expedition Marriage podcast, episode 65, What We Didn’t Know about Marriage. Be sure to check out the other episodes for more practical help and encouragement too!

xoxo, Chris & Jamie

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3 Things That Might be Destroying Your Marriage

3 Things That Might be Destroying Your Marriage

by | May 16, 2022 | Articles

When I look back on our early years of marriage I often wonder how in the world we made it to year 28! I’ve told my husband on more than one occasion how grateful I am that God chose to put blinders on him for him to marry me. While that sounds self-deprecating, it’s honest. I came with tons of red flags that should have steered him clear of me for a while. 

But, here we are, 28 married years later, thriving and abounding in the grace of God.

Aside from the grace of God—and those blinders – I can say with confidence that had we not worked on these specific things our marriage would have surely been doomed. In fact, as marriage counselors, we see these things take out couples all the time. 

Ready to know what they are?

3 Things that Might Destroy your Marriage

  • Past trauma– I came into my marriage with a lot of baggage, baggage that came from my family of origin. All kinds of stuff that I was glad to walk away from hoping to never deal with again—except that is not how trauma works. It stays with you until you deal with it. Not dealing with your past, no matter how significant or insignificant, will always trip you up. Your past will always bring forth triggers and if you don’t make yourself aware of them or process through them, they’ll eat away at your marriage. 

Working on your past may involve professional help, pastoral counsel, or just some solid chats with a friend, or even your spouse. The healthiest marriages contain two healthy individuals. It’s worth it to do what you need to do to find healing.

  • Trying to change your spouse- If you flip this one around and ponder on what it might feel like to have someone constantly trying to fix you, change you, or remind you that you’re not good enough, that might be all the perspective change you need to not do this to your spouse. No one changes, at least in a healthy way, by reminding them how inadequate they are. Learn to love your spouse where they’re at. Inspire growth in them by growing yourself. And if they’re truly unhealthy, it might be time for some boundaries. We always recommend Boundaries in Marriage to help with that. Finally, this leads us to what I think is the most important one…
  • Not taking personal responsibility. When you get caught up in the blame game there are no winners, and your marriage can really take a hit. When you fail to own what you need to own, you’re giving up opportunities for change and growth—and the thing about marriage is that there is no remaining the same, it’s either moving forward or it’s moving backward.

Humility in marriage is a game changer. It will draw you closer to one another and you will have more individual and more marital peace. Pride always comes before the fall—be humble enough to grow, learn, and get better. You’ll be a better spouse and you’ll be in a better marriage.

If you’re feeling like you’re on a downhill spiral and need to get on the same page again, you might want to check out our Restoring Connection 4-week Plan. It will be sure to get you back on track in just 10 short minutes a day!

Restoring Connection Plan
3 Must Have Marriage Habits

3 Must Have Marriage Habits

by | May 15, 2022 | Articles

Do you have any habits in your marriage? Have you ever even thought about whether you do, and if so, what they even are?

There’s always been a whole lot of focus on motivation and goals, but the real key to changing your life and your marriage is found in your daily habits. It’s those little things you do—or don’t do, over time that impact your life the most.

If you want your marriage to last, a big part of that will be investing in habits that will encourage longevity. It’s about making daily, weekly, monthly efforts in caring for one another and your marriage.

 3 Must Have Habits

 Are you in the habit of treating one another with respect, or have you found yourself lately being kinder to strangers than each other? How you speak to one another is huge. Proverbs 18:21a tells us that, “The tongue has power of life and death”. Respect speaks life, disrespect doesn’t. Speaking life also avoids a lot of unnecessary conflict. If you want to learn how to do that in 3 minutes, check out How to Avoid Conflict in your Marriage in 3 Minutes. 

Are you making physical contact each day, or are your heads hitting the pillows at night with the realization that you never shared one kiss or one hug all day—or maybe you just read this and had the thought that “I can’t even remember the last time we touched.”

Those good morning and goodnight kisses, those car ride handholds, and those hugs for no special reason, add up over time and all make for healthy marriages. They also make for healthier and longer physical connections too! Don’t let a 5 second kiss be too much to invest—make physical contact a daily habit.

Lastly, are you communicating each day? Do you discuss your day, your thoughts, and feelings with one another? Is your communication stagnant, or does it seem to keep getting stolen by the busyness of running a home and having children?

 Communication is foundational for marriage. So much so, that if you don’t have it, we strongly recommend you grab our Restoring Connection Plan, a 4-week, 10 minute a day, strategy to get connection and communication back to where they need to be. Go ahead and use code PINTEREST10 for 10% off. 

 Good communication breeds great connection, and great connection breeds trust, marital satisfaction, and longevity.

Take a moment to pause and evaluate your daily habits and ask yourself what direction they’re taking you and your marriage in? Is it a direction you want to go?

Next Step–Discuss this topic with your spouse. 

Do you feel like you are all alone in your marriage?

Are your schedules so busy with work and taking care of your family that you are simply too tired to connect?

Wouldn’t it be great if you could move from exhausted and alone to connected and supported?

To feel like you were part of a team?

Use Coupon Code: PINTEREST10
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Verses for a Christ Centered Marriage

Verses for a Christ Centered Marriage

by | May 9, 2022 | Articles

One of the best ways to have a Christ centered marriage is to become two individuals who seek to follow Him.

This rightfully places the Lord directly in the center of your marriage. Having Him in the center allows direction, growth, and humility to flow freely, all while making your marriage one of the most rewarding relationships you have.

5 Scriptures for a Christ-Centered Marriage

  • You are better and stronger together, and even better and stronger with the Lord. “Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” Ecclesiastes 4:12 
  • You will always have things vying for your attention, time, and efforts. Make sure your marriage remains one of your highest priorities. Many marriages drift apart long before they ever explode in destruction. Stay on guard. “Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate.” Mark 10”9
  • The more you love your spouse as a verb in action, the easier it will be to forgive and to let go of some of their flaws and mistakes. “Above all, love one another deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins.” 1 Peter 4:8
  • Setting up appropriate boundaries with extended family is a must. You’re living a 2 becoming 1 life, not a 2 becoming 3, 4,5 & 6 life. This can be tricky. If you’re getting stuck with this, check out The Expedition Marriage podcast, Episode 44, Setting Boundaries with In Laws. “Therefore, a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” Genesis 2:24
  • Always remember what real love is. It’s so much more than the big feelings you had that led you into your marriage. “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.”
    1 Corinthians 13:4-5

When you seek to follow Jesus, you will forever be being transformed more and more to his likeness. Your goal as a spouse is to help support your spouse in doing the same. If you’d like a great way to make Christ the center of your marriage, be sure to check out the Newlywed Couples Devotional, a 52 week biblically based devotional filled with scripture and application. It’s practical, it’s filled with truth, conversation starters and prayer… and it’s not just for newlyweds!  

Grab Your Copy Here!
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Newlywed Couple's Devotional

(for Newlywed Couples and Newlywed Wanna-Be's)

features:

•  52 Weekly Devotionals that explore common issues and themes every couple experiences, such as intimacy, love, commitment, household duties, finances, and more

•  Everyday Scripture and Reflective Bible Studies that provide practical solutions to bringing marriages closer to God

•  Action-Oriented Discussion Prompts that hold couples accountable for maintaining their God-anchored vows

•  Weekly Prayers that are specific and relevant to the topics discussed