7 Vows That Need to be Said at The Altar

by email@expeditionmarriage.org | Sep 25, 2022 | Articles

There’s nothing wrong with traditional wedding vows, but if we’re honest, they do leave some room for different interpretations:

For better or for worse— When he brings home Starbucks and when he doesn’t
In sickness and in health—When one of us has a 24hr stomach bug
To love and cherish—When he is loveable
Until death do us part—Don’t be dumb and you can stay alive (JK!)

All jokes aside, a couple of the top reasons for divorce is a lack of commitment and unmet expectations. What that says about marriage is that there is limited commitment, and a misunderstanding of what vows really mean. So, let’s get specific and add or clarify a few vows…

I promise to allow God to use you to grow me. This is one that none of us really saw coming. It’s one of the harder realities of marriage when you find out how much your spouse challenges you and calls you out on things that aren’t so good about you. The truth is, they are in your life to sharpen you, to help make you more like Christ, and that rarely will look like you’re hoping it will.
Nonetheless, it is a gift.
To take this concept a little deeper, how about adding in this one?
I promise to learn things about myself from your annoying habits. There’s nothing that points out your unhealthy need for perfection than a husband who constantly leaves glasses on tables and socks on the floor. The same goes for the way their slowness to do
E V E R Y T H I N G makes your lack of patience light up like a Christmas tree.

Learning to look inward at your reactions and responses instead of constantly outward on their behaviors will give you such great opportunity to grow. It’s not fun, but it so good. We created an entire podcast episode on this, Help! My Spouse’s Flaws Drive me Nuts. You might want to listen!

For a little bit of a lighter spin, how about I promise to always make room for fun no matter how busy we get. The longer you’re married the busier you tend to get, and busyness has a way of pushing out fun. Be intentional to keep the fun and friendship in your marriage, but don’t be focused on so much fun that you miss the promise of working on any issue as soon as it comes up. Letting wounds or issues fester makes them way more problematic. Don’t use fun as a tool for avoidance. Undealt with wounds and problems grow infections. If something goes awry, deal with it immediately.

And don’t be alarmed when some of those issues have their roots in triggers. This is where the promise of addressing all triggers that come up recognizing that God plans to use them for healing comes in. No one will trigger you like your spouse. And while triggers are reactive and make you feel very vulnerable, they are purposeful in your marriage. They’re there to show you the areas you need healing. Learn to work together on and through those triggers. In marriage, they are meant to create safe places for healing, not lead to more harm. If you want to learn more about this, check out What to do with Triggers.

Lastly, if you really want the go big or go home vows, add in I promise to always see your side even when I don’t agree with it and I promise to love you sacrificially even when it’s hard. Allowing your spouse to think differently and see things differently than you is hard work, but it’s necessary for emotional safety and freedom in your marriage. The moment you start fighting for the win is the same moment your marriage takes a loss. Sometimes there is no right or wrong, there’s just different. Respect your spouse enough to let them have their own thoughts and feelings.

Amongst all the hard times, the annoying habits, the painful triggers, and the need for forgiveness, choosing to love your spouse sacrificially even when they don’t deserve it will always be one of the best showings of love for your marriage.

Here’s to many vow fulfilled years ahead!

Christian Wives, Stop Doing These Things

by email@expeditionmarriage.org | Sep 18, 2022 | Articles

It always seems like there’s such an exhaustive list of all the things wives should either be doing or not be doing, and truth be told, as a Christian, there kind of is. This doesn’t let men off the hook, and God certainly has a list for them too, but this article is for you.

There are so many things that can get in the way of a healthy marriage and it’s always good to focus on the ones that we can do something about. So let’s get started…

5 Things Christian Wives Should Stop Doing

Nagging.

While plenty of men have been known to do some serious nagging, this typically tends to be a wife issue. Even scripture says that it’s better to live on the corner of your roof, in a desert, or to listen to the constant dripping of rain, then it is to be inside with a nagging wife. Ok God, we get it.

But seriously, nagging is minimizing and rarely is received well. Instead of nagging, you want to be clear in communicating your expectations, asking for a detailed answer like “What time do you think you can have that done by?”, and if necessary explain how you feel about not being heard. No wife wants to be a mom to their husband and no husband wants their wife to be their mom. If you want to hear more on this, head here, The Truth about Nagging and Complaining.

Over-committing.

This is a real easy trap to fall into. Women often feel like good multi-taskers, but the truth is, we’re not. In fact, no one is. We’re simply not designed that way. It’s not uncommon for a wife to yes herself to death. Maybe you do more than you should because you can get it done quicker or even better yourself, you don’t want to disappoint people, and quite frankly it sometimes just seems easier to say yes. Just remember that all those yeses include a no as well, and usually that no is what your husband gets. Be wise with your schedule and anything you put on your plate. The Enemy will have no problems with using your distractions for destruction.

Putting the kids first.

If you want to raise joy filled, strong, Jesus loving children, then the best thing you can do for them is show them who He is by modeling His love through your marriage. Your marriage is one of your best parenting tools and if you replace it or override it with so many extracurricular activities, and giving in to their every desire, they will miss out on the greatest opportunity to see Jesus in your family.
God. Husband. Kids. It needs to be that simple.

Withholding your needs.

Your husband is not a mind reader. He needs to hear from you and know where your heart, mind, and body is at. You are a human with needs, and as a mom and wife, you are not meant to only be in one-sided relationships. Be sure you’re taking the time to share where you’re at and what you need at this season of your life. He can’t meet a need he’s not aware of, and Jesus wants to use him as His hands and feet in your life. Let your husband in, and by doing so, you’ll prevent having to carry around a lot of resentment.

Expecting him to be your only resource.

While you want to go to your husband with your needs, you can’t rely on him to meet every one of them. He is a support for you, not a source of all your strength, peace, and joy. Despite what society says, only God can complete you. Only He knows every longing of your heart and every area of growth you need. Relying on your husband for all these things is putting him in a position where he is guaranteed failure. Share with your husband, but ultimately, find your fulfillment in the Lord.

As a Christian woman there is a higher calling on how you live your life.
While all these things are great for any marriage, they are especially true for you since you are representing Christ and wanting Him to be in the center of your marriage. All in all, do the best you can, keep your focus on Jesus, and leave lots of room for grace. If you want more on the topic of Christian marriage, be sure to go follow the Expedition Marriage podcast and check out the variety of topics.

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Does Your Spouse Trigger You?

by email@expeditionmarriage.org | Aug 21, 2022 | Articles

If you’re like the average person, you were shaped by your childhood. It’s in those younger years where you learned foundational things; things like what love is, what safety is, and even how to handle stress and conflict. After all, that’s the goal of childhood, to learn and to be prepared for adulthood. The problem is that not every parent takes that job of teaching seriously, and not every parent understands that their choices, good, bad, or indifferent, are all shaping their children.

Most of the time what brings out the things you’ve learned over the years is relationships, especially marriage. You might not be aware if you feel safe or not until someone does something that scares you. You might not recognize that you’ve defined love wrong until someone shows you what it’s supposed to look like. There’s so much you learned that you didn’t know you learned until your spouse often unintentionally points it out. And that’s where the opportunity for growth comes in.

Marriage gives you the gift of testing what you know and seeing if what you believe is true or if it is not.

How your Childhood Can Cause Triggers in Your Marriage

Let’s talk triggers. This is one of the more difficult ways your past can show up in your present. When a trigger pops up there’s usually some automatic reacting that takes place. You get triggered when your brain picks up a warning sign that danger might be present. The problem is… your brain isn’t always right. It’s just trying to keep you safe from things that have hurt you in the past.

Here’s a personal example. One night shortly after losing my mom, in a moment of grief I was crying and talking to my husband

vulnerably. While I was talking he turned his back to grab his water and I instantly said, “Never mind!”, and proceeded to roll over, really hurt. He was clueless as to what just happened. But here’s what was going on: I grew up in a home filled with emotional abandonment. As a child, if I was hurt, I was on my own to deal with my pain. Therefore, his turning his back to get a sip of water was received as him not caring that I was hurting. I was instantly that neglected child again.

Reactions to triggers don’t often make sense, but they do happen for a reason. Triggers reveal where you still need healing. God gave you your spouse to help with that healing, and while it can be painful, it’s designed to become beautiful. You just need to learn to listen to your triggers and find out what lies or fears they’re attached to.

I may have been rejected and left on my own when I was hurting as a child, that was not what was happening in that moment. In fact, when we realized what was happening, it became a moment for my husband to speak the truth and reassure me that he indeed does care a lot about my pain. Speaking truth over a trigger is what begins to silence it. When you lean into them and explore what’s really going on, your brain will begin to re-evaluate what it once knew as a threat and start to determine that it no longer is. It begins to learn that it doesn’t need to hit the alarm all the time.

If you grew up in a home with a mean alcoholic father, smelling beer on your husband’s breath might throw you into a panic. You’re fearing a blow up in the house, but your husband just had a beer while watching a game.

Your mom used to be selfish and controlling, and now your husband asked you to try not to spend any extra money this month. Your response may be an immediate trip to Target because you’re an adult and can buy whatever you want.

Maybe your mom was highly critical and judgmental, and your husband asks you if you’re sure you left the hamburgers cooking long enough. You may instantly get defensive letting him know he can now cook all the meals since he clearly hates your cooking.

So, here’s your clue; if you have a big, and often irrational response to something, that may be a trigger that you need to explore. Because while some things may be real threats, sometimes it’s just a drink with a game, a husband trying to budget, or a husband who just is asking a question.

Make sure you’re reacting to what is true instead of what was taught.

If you want more on this subject, check out the Expedition Marriage podcast, Episode 29, Why How You Grew up Matters.

5 Tips for Having Hard Conversations

by email@expeditionmarriage.org | Jul 31, 2022 | Articles

Do you struggle with talking about difficult topics with your spouse because you’re worried about how it will go? Or maybe it’s a conversation you’ve had before that keeps on turning into an argument? We all know that difficult conversations can be stressful, but they really don’t have to be.

How to Have Hard Conversations with your Spouse

Step one is to plan for it. Decide in advance what exactly it is you want to talk about. Ask yourself these questions before you have your chat; “What is it I want my spouse to understand?” and “What am I hoping the outcome of this conversation will be and am I willing to allow it to look differently than I’d like?”. By having a plan it is less likely for you to experience a blindside that will trigger you to avoid or to lash out.

Next, choose your timing. Having a hard conversation when your spouse just got home from work, is tired, already bothered, or hungry, will rarely produce a positive outcome. Oftentimes we try to have these conversations when emotions are already elevated because something happened to remind us of them. Don’t take the bait on that one. Instead, pick a time to talk when it’s calm, when the kids aren’t around, and when both of you are in decent moods. The least number of interruptions you can have, the better.

You also don’t want to forget to set the tone. Be clear before you begin by saying something like,”I want to share this with you and my intention is to not argue, but instead to have a good conversation.” Have open and positive body language and tone of voice. You want to come across as sincere and non-accusatory. A shift in your body such as crossed arms or an eye roll can change the entire direction of a conversation.

Next, you want to be sure to stay on track. It’s easy to get baited into getting off topic. Remember to address one issue at a time and mentally decide in advance to stay on topic. This should be part of your planning process too.

Finally, invite grace and understanding to the conversation. Be intentional about listening to your spouse and offering lots of grace as they absorb and process the conversation. Remember, you planned for this, they didn’t. Make room for their reactions and allow them to have their own feelings, thoughts, and opinions.

At the end of the day, if you want to get good at having hard conversations, you will need to make a lot of room for pausing, listening, and understanding, and last of all practice. Be willing to fail your way forward with this. Keep trying and you’ll get there!

If you need more communication tips, be sure to check out the Expedition Marriage podcast and their series on Communication Killers and their Kryptonite. You can find it here.

Why Just Having More Sex Is NOT The Answer

by email@expeditionmarriage.org | Jul 17, 2022 | Articles

Have you ever come across a blog, a social media post, or even heard from a well-meaning friend or even pastor, to not withhold sex from your husband or to make sure you’re having more of it to meet his needs?

We see these posts and hear these messages all the time as marriage counselors and let us tell you, while there may be times when a wife is withholding sex as manipulation or a form of punishment, in most accounts, that is not the case. Many women are withholding sex for many other reasons and telling them just to have more of it to satisfy their husbands is harmful.

When there are sexual problems in a marriage it seems that a lot of the responsibility for correcting them is placed upon the wife. This should not be the case. Wives are told if they don’t want their husband to cheat or look at porn, just have more sex. If they’re too tired at the end of the day, just give in so his needs can be met. After all, sex seems to be this primal need for a man so it’s important to keep him happy.

Good grief…

This is such a poor message for the husband and the wife. Husbands statistically have a higher sex drive, not always, but in most cases, however this does not make them some uncontrolled animal who always is in search of sex. Sure, they may desire it a little more, but men don’t need sex any more than a woman does. How do we know that? Because God made it for BOTH, and for both of their pleasure.

As a wife, you don’t have to be responsible for the sexual sin of your husband – whether he looks at porn or dives into an affair. That is 100% on him. God gave him self-control and the ability to flee from temptation. If he doesn’t feel you’re giving him enough sex for his liking, then here’s what he should do instead…. Ask you if you and/or everything is ok and ask what you need from him!

Here’s an example:
“Babe, I really miss making love to you and would love for that to happen a little more. I was just wondering since we’re not having sex as much, if you’re ok or is there something I can help with? I want us both to be satisfied with our love life and just wanted to check in.”

You see, most women aren’t withholding out of spite and control. It’s just that “duty sex” just isn’t appealing, not to mention it’s also not what God intended. And it’s likely there are other reasons for the lack of desire.

Just to name a few:

Exhaustion—Many wives are drained physically, mentally, and emotionally.
Physical pain—Sex physically hurts some women.
Hormones—Hormones fluctuate and affect mood and energy on a regular basis, and even more when there’s chronic dysregulation happening.
Past trauma—If there’s ever been abuse, especially sexual abuse in their life.
Emotional disconnection—A lack of emotional intimacy is common and always a barrier for women. Being married and lonely is never going to be arousing.

At the end of the day should we be asking exhausted, hurting, traumatized, hormonally dysregulated, emotionally disconnected women to just fall on the altar of sex because their husband needs it?

That’s a resounding NO!

What we should be doing instead is having husbands who love their wives like Christ loves the church. Husbands that care for them and ask them how they can help them be less exhausted. Husbands who support their wives in getting any medical care they need. Husbands who talk and connect with their wives. And husbands who help their wives get the help they need while they heal from any past trauma.

Just having more sex may keep the husband happy, but why isn’t anyone asking what will that do for the wife?

It’s time to quit treating sex like a duty for the wife to keep her man satisfied and return it to its original design; pleasurable, fulfilling, and connecting body, soul, and mind for BOTH husband and wife. We want you both to experience a fulfilling and satisfied sex life.

Check out the Expedition Marriage podcast to learn ways to communicate, connect, and make God the center of your marriage.

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