Advice for the Newlywed

by email@expeditionmarriage.org | Oct 17, 2022 | Articles

If only we knew then what we know now after 28 years of marriage, our lives would have gone a lot smoother. Now don’t let that scare you—because we think marriage is GREAT! We’re not ever going to tell you that it’s not challenging, but we do want to encourage you that it can be a lot more fun than it is hard, and we want to let you know that even the hard stuff can be good.

As our youngest daughter is entering the newlywed stage of life, we find ourselves pondering what we wish we would have known back then and asking ourselves how we can help set her marriage up best for success. Truth be told with that second question, as her parents, we’ve already done the majority of our most impacting work in her life as she had a front row seat to watching our marriage unfold. So, if expanding your family is going to be part of your journey, we want you to know that one of your best parenting tools you will ever have will be your marriage. That’s one reason why what we want to share with you is so important.

What We Wish We Knew as Newlyweds

In our opinion as marriage counselors and as a married couple, we believe the biggest blindside of marriage is the massive amount of refinement that comes with it.
Most of us enter marriage with the expectation and excitement that you have found the one to love and to love you exactly as you are forever and always. While there very well be some truth to that, more than likely you married someone who will eventually highlight every flaw you have and every area where you need growth. You married the person that will help you grow and be refined more than anyone else. This part of marriage isn’t much fun, BUT it sure is purposeful, especially when you know about it in advance!
Your spouse will be used by God to help you become more like Christ. They will test your patience, increase your humility, grow your empathy, and teach you how to forgive and offer grace. However, there is a catch.

You must be willing to surrender to the process. You can choose growth, or you can dig in your heels and choose pride, blame, and division. We encourage you to choose wisely, and always be willing to work on yourself. Another thing we wish we knew was how much vulnerability was needed in marriage. If you want to grow your trust and your connection, you must be willing to be raw and to share real and honest feelings with one another. There is nothing that will connect you more than vulnerability. Never shy away from saying the hard, the embarrassing, and the authentic things.

Keep in mind that your marriage will be like a bowling ball on a hill. If you’re not actively moving it up it will start to slip. Marriage does take work, but most of that work is just being intentional. Go on date nights, have fun, connect through communication daily. Be on guard against the mundane trap. Your marriage is worth investing in. You want to be sure it lasts a lifetime.

For some final takeaways, we also want you to…

Always have fun! Fun and friendship are the things that help you best be able to handle what life throws at you.
Remember that it’s not the problems that will take your marriage out, it’s what you decide to do about them. Always be willing to fix what breaks along the way!
And finally, keep Jesus in the center.

If you want more help with any of this, be sure to check out our Newlywed Couples Devotional and all our available resources including the Expedition Marriage podcast.

May you always enjoy the journey of marriage!

I need the Newlywed Couples Devotional!

When is it Time to Quit Working on Your Marriage?

by email@expeditionmarriage.org | Oct 10, 2022 | Articles

Been Spending a Long Time Working On Your Marriage?

Sometimes you just need to quit working on your marriage in order to save it. I know this may sound counterproductive or like really bad marriage advice, especially from a Christian counselor, but there’s a reason for it.

Imagine for a minute that you got up tomorrow morning, went to work and then kept going and going without a break and without any days off. If you happen to be a stay-at-home mom with little kiddos you might understand this well. As a parent in general, there is no time off, you’re always on call, and your schedule is barely your own anymore. Spending just one week with a schedule like this and you will be zapped and running on empty in no time.

As marriage counselors, we see a lot of couples whose marriages need a lot of work. They’re disconnected, they’re empty, and they’re tired of the same fights, the same sexless nights, and quite honestly, they’re tired of all the work it’s taking to keep their marriage from crumbling.

Now, let’s go back to thinking about being at work 24/7. As time goes on, working all the time with no breaks, no breathers, no down time, how productive do you think you’d become at your job? Would you be producing your best work, or perhaps would the quality of your work be going downhill? If you’re like most people, the answer would be the latter.

Let’s talk about why that is—plain and simple; exhaustion, constant work, and mentally being on all day is depleting. You are not made to function without rest and renewal. And this is no different if you’re a married couple working on your marriage. Your marriage is not made to be all work. No one in their right mind wants to sign up for that!

If you want a good day at work or at home with the kids, you must have breaks to clear your mind, to eat a meal, and most importantly, you must be able to clock out. For a marriage to heal and thrive, it will need the same. In fact, one of the best tools to equip you to handle problems, stress, or even work better, is having more joy and more fun!

Perhaps you’ve been working on your marriage for a while and all the work is just getting stressful and seems to be highlighting your problems and increasing disconnection even more. It might be time to balance some of your work efforts with some refocusing and time off. The struggle with working so hard, albeit commendable, is that it fixes your gaze on problems. And what you focus on, you magnify.

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Maybe the only work you need to be doing right now is rekindling your friendship and learning how to relax and laugh again. Problems or not, at one point in your life, that person you’re married to was once your best friend. You used to find joy in just holding hands, going out for ice cream, or talking about silly stuff at a coffee shop. Maybe instead of all the work, you just need to take some steps back and find some joy again.

If you want a practical, informative, and yet FUN way to have some conversations, check out our Restoring Connection Course or even just go out on a date. We have ways to help you there as well.

7 Vows That Need to be Said at The Altar

by email@expeditionmarriage.org | Sep 25, 2022 | Articles

There’s nothing wrong with traditional wedding vows, but if we’re honest, they do leave some room for different interpretations:

For better or for worse— When he brings home Starbucks and when he doesn’t
In sickness and in health—When one of us has a 24hr stomach bug
To love and cherish—When he is loveable
Until death do us part—Don’t be dumb and you can stay alive (JK!)

All jokes aside, a couple of the top reasons for divorce is a lack of commitment and unmet expectations. What that says about marriage is that there is limited commitment, and a misunderstanding of what vows really mean. So, let’s get specific and add or clarify a few vows…

I promise to allow God to use you to grow me. This is one that none of us really saw coming. It’s one of the harder realities of marriage when you find out how much your spouse challenges you and calls you out on things that aren’t so good about you. The truth is, they are in your life to sharpen you, to help make you more like Christ, and that rarely will look like you’re hoping it will.
Nonetheless, it is a gift.
To take this concept a little deeper, how about adding in this one?
I promise to learn things about myself from your annoying habits. There’s nothing that points out your unhealthy need for perfection than a husband who constantly leaves glasses on tables and socks on the floor. The same goes for the way their slowness to do
E V E R Y T H I N G makes your lack of patience light up like a Christmas tree.

Learning to look inward at your reactions and responses instead of constantly outward on their behaviors will give you such great opportunity to grow. It’s not fun, but it so good. We created an entire podcast episode on this, Help! My Spouse’s Flaws Drive me Nuts. You might want to listen!

For a little bit of a lighter spin, how about I promise to always make room for fun no matter how busy we get. The longer you’re married the busier you tend to get, and busyness has a way of pushing out fun. Be intentional to keep the fun and friendship in your marriage, but don’t be focused on so much fun that you miss the promise of working on any issue as soon as it comes up. Letting wounds or issues fester makes them way more problematic. Don’t use fun as a tool for avoidance. Undealt with wounds and problems grow infections. If something goes awry, deal with it immediately.

And don’t be alarmed when some of those issues have their roots in triggers. This is where the promise of addressing all triggers that come up recognizing that God plans to use them for healing comes in. No one will trigger you like your spouse. And while triggers are reactive and make you feel very vulnerable, they are purposeful in your marriage. They’re there to show you the areas you need healing. Learn to work together on and through those triggers. In marriage, they are meant to create safe places for healing, not lead to more harm. If you want to learn more about this, check out What to do with Triggers.

Lastly, if you really want the go big or go home vows, add in I promise to always see your side even when I don’t agree with it and I promise to love you sacrificially even when it’s hard. Allowing your spouse to think differently and see things differently than you is hard work, but it’s necessary for emotional safety and freedom in your marriage. The moment you start fighting for the win is the same moment your marriage takes a loss. Sometimes there is no right or wrong, there’s just different. Respect your spouse enough to let them have their own thoughts and feelings.

Amongst all the hard times, the annoying habits, the painful triggers, and the need for forgiveness, choosing to love your spouse sacrificially even when they don’t deserve it will always be one of the best showings of love for your marriage.

Here’s to many vow fulfilled years ahead!

Christian Wives, Stop Doing These Things

by email@expeditionmarriage.org | Sep 18, 2022 | Articles

It always seems like there’s such an exhaustive list of all the things wives should either be doing or not be doing, and truth be told, as a Christian, there kind of is. This doesn’t let men off the hook, and God certainly has a list for them too, but this article is for you.

There are so many things that can get in the way of a healthy marriage and it’s always good to focus on the ones that we can do something about. So let’s get started…

5 Things Christian Wives Should Stop Doing

Nagging.

While plenty of men have been known to do some serious nagging, this typically tends to be a wife issue. Even scripture says that it’s better to live on the corner of your roof, in a desert, or to listen to the constant dripping of rain, then it is to be inside with a nagging wife. Ok God, we get it.

But seriously, nagging is minimizing and rarely is received well. Instead of nagging, you want to be clear in communicating your expectations, asking for a detailed answer like “What time do you think you can have that done by?”, and if necessary explain how you feel about not being heard. No wife wants to be a mom to their husband and no husband wants their wife to be their mom. If you want to hear more on this, head here, The Truth about Nagging and Complaining.

Over-committing.

This is a real easy trap to fall into. Women often feel like good multi-taskers, but the truth is, we’re not. In fact, no one is. We’re simply not designed that way. It’s not uncommon for a wife to yes herself to death. Maybe you do more than you should because you can get it done quicker or even better yourself, you don’t want to disappoint people, and quite frankly it sometimes just seems easier to say yes. Just remember that all those yeses include a no as well, and usually that no is what your husband gets. Be wise with your schedule and anything you put on your plate. The Enemy will have no problems with using your distractions for destruction.

Putting the kids first.

If you want to raise joy filled, strong, Jesus loving children, then the best thing you can do for them is show them who He is by modeling His love through your marriage. Your marriage is one of your best parenting tools and if you replace it or override it with so many extracurricular activities, and giving in to their every desire, they will miss out on the greatest opportunity to see Jesus in your family.
God. Husband. Kids. It needs to be that simple.

Withholding your needs.

Your husband is not a mind reader. He needs to hear from you and know where your heart, mind, and body is at. You are a human with needs, and as a mom and wife, you are not meant to only be in one-sided relationships. Be sure you’re taking the time to share where you’re at and what you need at this season of your life. He can’t meet a need he’s not aware of, and Jesus wants to use him as His hands and feet in your life. Let your husband in, and by doing so, you’ll prevent having to carry around a lot of resentment.

Expecting him to be your only resource.

While you want to go to your husband with your needs, you can’t rely on him to meet every one of them. He is a support for you, not a source of all your strength, peace, and joy. Despite what society says, only God can complete you. Only He knows every longing of your heart and every area of growth you need. Relying on your husband for all these things is putting him in a position where he is guaranteed failure. Share with your husband, but ultimately, find your fulfillment in the Lord.

As a Christian woman there is a higher calling on how you live your life.
While all these things are great for any marriage, they are especially true for you since you are representing Christ and wanting Him to be in the center of your marriage. All in all, do the best you can, keep your focus on Jesus, and leave lots of room for grace. If you want more on the topic of Christian marriage, be sure to go follow the Expedition Marriage podcast and check out the variety of topics.

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Does Your Spouse Trigger You?

by email@expeditionmarriage.org | Aug 21, 2022 | Articles

If you’re like the average person, you were shaped by your childhood. It’s in those younger years where you learned foundational things; things like what love is, what safety is, and even how to handle stress and conflict. After all, that’s the goal of childhood, to learn and to be prepared for adulthood. The problem is that not every parent takes that job of teaching seriously, and not every parent understands that their choices, good, bad, or indifferent, are all shaping their children.

Most of the time what brings out the things you’ve learned over the years is relationships, especially marriage. You might not be aware if you feel safe or not until someone does something that scares you. You might not recognize that you’ve defined love wrong until someone shows you what it’s supposed to look like. There’s so much you learned that you didn’t know you learned until your spouse often unintentionally points it out. And that’s where the opportunity for growth comes in.

Marriage gives you the gift of testing what you know and seeing if what you believe is true or if it is not.

How your Childhood Can Cause Triggers in Your Marriage

Let’s talk triggers. This is one of the more difficult ways your past can show up in your present. When a trigger pops up there’s usually some automatic reacting that takes place. You get triggered when your brain picks up a warning sign that danger might be present. The problem is… your brain isn’t always right. It’s just trying to keep you safe from things that have hurt you in the past.

Here’s a personal example. One night shortly after losing my mom, in a moment of grief I was crying and talking to my husband

vulnerably. While I was talking he turned his back to grab his water and I instantly said, “Never mind!”, and proceeded to roll over, really hurt. He was clueless as to what just happened. But here’s what was going on: I grew up in a home filled with emotional abandonment. As a child, if I was hurt, I was on my own to deal with my pain. Therefore, his turning his back to get a sip of water was received as him not caring that I was hurting. I was instantly that neglected child again.

Reactions to triggers don’t often make sense, but they do happen for a reason. Triggers reveal where you still need healing. God gave you your spouse to help with that healing, and while it can be painful, it’s designed to become beautiful. You just need to learn to listen to your triggers and find out what lies or fears they’re attached to.

I may have been rejected and left on my own when I was hurting as a child, that was not what was happening in that moment. In fact, when we realized what was happening, it became a moment for my husband to speak the truth and reassure me that he indeed does care a lot about my pain. Speaking truth over a trigger is what begins to silence it. When you lean into them and explore what’s really going on, your brain will begin to re-evaluate what it once knew as a threat and start to determine that it no longer is. It begins to learn that it doesn’t need to hit the alarm all the time.

If you grew up in a home with a mean alcoholic father, smelling beer on your husband’s breath might throw you into a panic. You’re fearing a blow up in the house, but your husband just had a beer while watching a game.

Your mom used to be selfish and controlling, and now your husband asked you to try not to spend any extra money this month. Your response may be an immediate trip to Target because you’re an adult and can buy whatever you want.

Maybe your mom was highly critical and judgmental, and your husband asks you if you’re sure you left the hamburgers cooking long enough. You may instantly get defensive letting him know he can now cook all the meals since he clearly hates your cooking.

So, here’s your clue; if you have a big, and often irrational response to something, that may be a trigger that you need to explore. Because while some things may be real threats, sometimes it’s just a drink with a game, a husband trying to budget, or a husband who just is asking a question.

Make sure you’re reacting to what is true instead of what was taught.

If you want more on this subject, check out the Expedition Marriage podcast, Episode 29, Why How You Grew up Matters.