Deconstructing Marriage Myths for the Christian Couple

by email@expeditionmarriage.org | Mar 28, 2022 | Articles

If you’re a Christian married couple, it might be difficult for you to discern what is good advice or what is bad advice for your marriage. There’s a lot of advice out there that seems sound or makes a little sense, especially when it sometimes comes from a pulpit, but some of these messages can be very destructive to your marriage.

Wrong Marriage Advice

We’ve probably all been told at one point that marriage is 50/50. If you each put in your share things will work out. Division of labor, division of love, and boom, you get that 100% happy marriage. However, this is not how Jesus operates or how He calls us to operate. If fairness were His goal, His death on the cross for our sins would not have ever been a thing. Thank God that life isn’t fair because we’d all be in trouble.

What Jesus tells us is to shoot for that 100/100. To give, to love, to serve sacrificially. Are you going to hit that mark? Nope, probably not, but the attitude of serving over fairness is what will make your marriage good, especially when you both give that same effort. With messages like “die to self”, “submit to one another”, and “go the extra mile” it’s hard to believe fairness was what He had in mind for us in life, much less marriage.

Speaking of fairness, husbands and wives are equal. The husband is made to be the leader of the home, not the dictator of it. Leadership does not mean the wife stays home and is at the beck and call of her husband all the time doing all that he says. It does not mean he has been given full authority over her. It means that he is to give himself up for her (Eph 5:22 & 25) just as Jesus did for us. He is to always keep in mind what is best for her and make decisions accordingly. He is to lead his family in protection, in security and in love. Both husbands and wives are called to mutually submit to one another, but the husband is the one whose leadership will be taken into account. That is a high calling and responsibility, not a governing over a wife. A husband who leads should be a husband who looks and acts a lot like Jesus.

Another myth is that of not going to bed angry. This one comes from Eph. 4:26 that says, “In your anger, do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your anger.” This verse is not telling you to not go to bed angry, what it is saying is don’t let anger cause you to sin or rule in your heart. Deal with it promptly, within a 24 hour window. Any longer than that it will get more difficult to deal with.

If you need time to calm, to process, or to do some work with the Holy Spirit’s help, take it. Ponder it after a night’s rest so you can come back and resolve it the next day. Do not let anger take up residence in your heart and deal with it as soon as possible and you’ll be just fine.

Lastly, and one of the more common myths is have more sex with your husband to keep him from using pornography or having an affair. It is NOT a wife’s job to be responsible for her husband’s self- control or mind. Pornography is not a sex less problem, and more sex is not the answer. In fact, that belief is incredibly destructive to a wife. A wife should not be subject to providing sex for a husband who is actively engaged in adultery through pornography—Jesus’ words, not mine, Matthew 5:28. God designed sex to be fulfilling and pleasurable for both husbands and wives. Limiting it to a duty a wife must perform is destructive to its design.

If you found these deconstructed marriage myths helpful, be sure to check out the Expedition Marriage podcast, episodes 49 & 50 for more on Bad Marriage Advice.

xoxo, Chris & Jamie

4 Things You’re Missing While Trying to be Right in Your Marriage

by email@expeditionmarriage.org | Feb 23, 2022 | Articles

Are you missing out?
Are you a right fighter? Are you married to one?
Not sure? Here are some clues:
A right fighter will…

Place higher value on being right than anything else
Will stand their ground no matter what
Will argue over minor details and nit-picky things
Won’t stop arguing until they get the win
Usually gets overly emotional or amped up

While sports are a great place to fight for your win, your marriage is not. Once you got married you went from being 2 to becoming 1. The day you walked down the aisle was the last day you should be fighting for your own win. From there on out, you need to be looking for marriage wins.
If you get caught up in right fighting, there is a lot you’re missing out on. Hopefully once you see these things, you’ll realize how what you’ve been fighting for really wasn’t a win at all.

While you’re trying to be right, you’re actively teaching your spouse to pull away from you. No one wants to move close to someone that they must always defend themselves against.

You also miss out on any personal growth. If you’re always right, why improve? If that’s not enough, there’s this; “When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.” Proverbs 11:2

Right fighting also consists of only thinking about what is best for you, not your spouse or your marriage. What God calls you to is to “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather in humility, value others above yourself.” Philippians 2:3 You totally miss an opportunity to obey God, and to get a win for your spouse and your marriage.

Lastly, what you’re missing may be the most hurtful one of all. You’re missing the pain of your spouse. You’re taking a win at their expense and forcing them to take the loss. This can be hurtful and can cause your spouse to give up and shut down, which is hardly a win at all.

A win in football may get you a ring or a trophy, but a win for your marriage will have everlasting rewards. Aren’t you really wanting a win for your marriage instead?

If you want some more info on how to have conflict in a healthy way, check out the Expedition Marriage podcast series, beginning with episode 18 on How to L.O.V.E. Your Way Through Conflict.

Enjoying the Journey is always better than being right!

Chris & Jamie

What to do When Marriage is Hard

by email@expeditionmarriage.org | Jan 22, 2022 | Articles

Ooof, marriage is hard…or it can be.

In fact, while we run Expedition Marriage – a marriage ministry helping couples learn how to enjoy the journey of marriage – as marriage counselors, we certainly recognize that enjoying the journey isn’t always easy to do. BUT, if we didn’t believe it was possible, we wouldn’t be doing the work that we do with so many couples.

If you’re in a place of difficulty in your marriage, a place where you’re finding yourself exhausted from constantly working on it, confused, and having no idea what to do next, or just feeling like you’re completely unseen, then we’re glad you’re here reading this.

So yes, marriage can be hard, but it shouldn’t be that hard. If you’re finding that it is, we want to give you a couple of ideas of things to do when it is.

What to do when Marriage is Hard

Let’s start with the obvious, get help!
On average, couples will struggle in a miserable marriage for 6 years before they decide to reach out for help.
Don’t be this couple.
If you know your marriage is in trouble, the clearest answer is to seek counseling or mentoring.

That’s a great idea, right? But what if you’re one of those wives whose husband refuses to go to counseling? Well then, come back to this later and start here instead, Help! My Husband won’t go to Counseling.

Now, if you’re not in that deep and are feeling like you’re struggling but counseling isn’t necessarily needed, then here are some other things you want to do:

Address the issues. I know this sounds simple, but ignoring problems and sweeping them under the rug is a huge problem we see in marriages. There are so many relationships who have at least one people pleaser, conflict avoider, or sweep-it-under-the-rug kind of person in them. Those attitudes and behaviors will get you nowhere fast and they often will lead to a buildup of frustration, bitterness, and resentment.
Long story short, make sure your spouse knows what’s bothering you and that they know that you indeed are having a problem with your marriage.

Identify the difficulty level of the problem(s). There are two types of problems in marriage, solvable ones, and gridlock ones. Solvable problems are ones where you can have a discussion, do some brainstorming for solutions, and dig in together and work for resolution. Gridlock problems are the ones that likely need a third party’s involvement. Those are the ones that get repetitive and go nowhere and continuously resurface and remain something you keep getting, well, gridlocked in. If you want to attempt some new ways of resolving conflict, check out this 4 part podcast series on How to L.O.V.E. your way through Conflict.

When marriage is hard, it’s also a great time to control your focus. Whatever you focus on, you magnify. If you’re constantly thinking about the problems or the flaws you are seeing in your spouse, then those will be the things that increase and seem bigger in your life. Try to take some time to add some gratefulness to your day and begin to look for the things your spouse is doing right instead, then let them know. Take time to remember the good days you’ve had and maybe even bring some of those memories up for conversation.

Lastly, because marriage can be hard, it’s so important that you also make time for fun. The more you constantly work on your marriage, the more your marriage will feel like nothing but work. Go out for a date that’s casual and fun. Play together, laugh together, even if it’s over a movie sitting a few feet apart on the couch, just find a way to rebuild your friendship and add in fun.

Remember, marriage can be hard, but it shouldn’t always be hard. Please check out our website for more of our resources, articles, podcast, and our couple’s devotional. Help and hope are available, and you and your spouse deserve it.

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Stop Trying to Manifest a Better Marriage

by email@expeditionmarriage.org | Jan 8, 2022 | Articles

Manifesting—the latest buzz word. The whole idea behind it is that if you want positive things like wealth, a dream job, healing, a great marriage, etc., is all you must do is think positive thoughts around those things, and perhaps put a few of them down on paper as if they’ve already happened, and then “POOF!”, they will be manifested into reality.

If only it were that simple!

While there’s nothing wrong with a positive mindset, in fact, as marriage counselors, we encourage them, but left on their own they’re not miracle makers. If you simply think good thoughts and never pair them with action, they will likely go nowhere.

To be honest, the concept of manifesting has some real dangers to it. Believing that positive thoughts are enough to change circumstances can be harmful because they can keep you from showing up and doing the work that indeed will change your circumstances, in this case, your marriage. They can also lead you straight to despair when your manifesting fails.

Let’s think for a minute. What about the woman with cancer who still fully believes she will be healed because that is what she is manifesting, and yet she’s not? Did she not think positively enough?

How about the wife who is manifesting her husband to quit drinking and become more invested in his marriage, yet his addiction still destroys their family? Is that on her now?

No, of course not. But this is the harm that can come from this idea.
The reality is, sometimes we can think positively AND do the work and all the right things, and bad things still happen. The truth is, there is no magic answer, but I think that might be what we all may be looking for.

Here’s why: We don’t like pain or suffering of any kind. We don’t like living paycheck to paycheck, we don’t like cancer, we don’t like hard marriages, we don’t like discomfort, so instead we start grasping at the straws of manifesting.

If you really want as good of a life as you can have, including your marriage, here is the real path to your best shot at it:

Intentionality + Effort + Prayer + Trust

Be intentional with life and your marriage. Want a great marriage? Do what people who have great marriages do. They go on date nights, they have deep and authentic communication, they deal with their problems, they enjoy sex together, they have fun and a friendship. Do the things that will create a great marriage. Be intentional and put in some effort. Don’t just try to think them into happening.

You also want to surrender in prayer. Manifestation is just an effort to try and be in complete control so your life can be easy. The problem is that life has probably already shown you repeatedly how little control you have. But that’s ok, control is overrated. What you need instead is to be faithful in prayer remembering that God is always in complete control. The One who knows all, sees all, and will always have the best plan, even when it makes no sense to you.

You see, what this all comes down to is knowing and trusting that when you’re following the Lord, things will always turn out how they should. He will put light on your path, and He will redeem any missed steps along the way. His plan will always be the best one, way better than anything you could ever manifest yourself. You just need to do the work, and sure, stay positive, but let Him be responsible for the results.

Do you want to really unleash God in the changing of your marriage?
Try taking our 30 Day Praying for Your Husband Challenge or our 30 Day Praying for Your Wife Challenge!

Check them out here:

30 Days of Praying for Your Husband Challenge

30 Days of Praying for Your Wife Challenge

The Top 5 Best New Year Couple Goals

by email@expeditionmarriage.org | Nov 17, 2021 | Articles

Did you know that a whopping 83% of the population does not have any goals? That means that majority of people are just living their lives and allowing whatever happens to just happen. Then there’s another 14% that has goals but aren’t serious enough about them to write them down.

Yikes!

This is not only a bad idea as a way of life, but it’s a really bad idea for your marriage. So, how about taking the 3% approach instead? What the 3% does is makes goals and writes them down. If you do that you will be in the top 3% of the population that is 30 times more likely to achieve your goals. Else, your marriage will just go wherever life takes it.

Let me encourage you as a couple to take some time, sit down together, and go over some of these top 5 goals and write them down.

Top 5 New Year Goals for Couples

This first one is rather simple, in fact, you probably already know people who have done this, or you may have done it yourself—pick a word. Think about one word that you want more of in your marriage this year. It can be peace, focus, growth, family, etc… We recommend you pray about this and see what word God may give you.

One simple word can act like a filter for your year. For instance, if it doesn’t help you grow, have peace or benefit family time, then it doesn’t get on your calendar. It’s the word you filter all your decisions through.

You also want to take time and reflect on the past. What worked about last year and what didn’t? Is there anything on the schedule that is stressful or that steals from your family or your peace? Was there anything that you loved and want more of? Discuss these things together.

When you’ve done your reflecting, it’s time to decide if you’re up for the challenge of fixing what is broken.There’s nothing like a new year that gives you a clean slate. Why bring old broken things into a new year. Now is the time to think about how you are as a couple. How is your communication? How well are you handling conflict? How about the household chores and business of running a family? If there’s an area that’s not working, decide to fix it.

Another great goal for the year is to make it a priority to connect daily. There are 4 prime times or sweet spots in your daily routine that are great for connecting. When you wake up, when you depart from one another, when you return together, and when you go to bed. Use those times for kisses, hugs, questions, and encouragements. Just get face to face and connect.

Lastly, and this is a big one—have fun! Don’t ever get so caught up in hitting those goals without making fun one of them. Friendship is foundational in marriage and a really solid indicator about the health of a marriage too. It’s been proven time and time again that coupes who have a solid friendship last the longest and are the most satisfied in their marriage.

As a new year approaches, always keep in mind that you may not be able to control what the new year brings, but you can always decide how you’re going to handle it.

If you want another great way to start a new year, how about joining a completely free 30 Day Praying for your Husband or for your Wife Challenge. Click below to sign up today!

Praying for Your Husband Challenge

Praying for Your Wife Challenge