What to do When Marriage is Hard

by email@expeditionmarriage.org | Jan 22, 2022 | Articles

Ooof, marriage is hard…or it can be.

In fact, while we run Expedition Marriage – a marriage ministry helping couples learn how to enjoy the journey of marriage – as marriage counselors, we certainly recognize that enjoying the journey isn’t always easy to do. BUT, if we didn’t believe it was possible, we wouldn’t be doing the work that we do with so many couples.

If you’re in a place of difficulty in your marriage, a place where you’re finding yourself exhausted from constantly working on it, confused, and having no idea what to do next, or just feeling like you’re completely unseen, then we’re glad you’re here reading this.

So yes, marriage can be hard, but it shouldn’t be that hard. If you’re finding that it is, we want to give you a couple of ideas of things to do when it is.

What to do when Marriage is Hard

Let’s start with the obvious, get help!
On average, couples will struggle in a miserable marriage for 6 years before they decide to reach out for help.
Don’t be this couple.
If you know your marriage is in trouble, the clearest answer is to seek counseling or mentoring.

That’s a great idea, right? But what if you’re one of those wives whose husband refuses to go to counseling? Well then, come back to this later and start here instead, Help! My Husband won’t go to Counseling.

Now, if you’re not in that deep and are feeling like you’re struggling but counseling isn’t necessarily needed, then here are some other things you want to do:

Address the issues. I know this sounds simple, but ignoring problems and sweeping them under the rug is a huge problem we see in marriages. There are so many relationships who have at least one people pleaser, conflict avoider, or sweep-it-under-the-rug kind of person in them. Those attitudes and behaviors will get you nowhere fast and they often will lead to a buildup of frustration, bitterness, and resentment.
Long story short, make sure your spouse knows what’s bothering you and that they know that you indeed are having a problem with your marriage.

Identify the difficulty level of the problem(s). There are two types of problems in marriage, solvable ones, and gridlock ones. Solvable problems are ones where you can have a discussion, do some brainstorming for solutions, and dig in together and work for resolution. Gridlock problems are the ones that likely need a third party’s involvement. Those are the ones that get repetitive and go nowhere and continuously resurface and remain something you keep getting, well, gridlocked in. If you want to attempt some new ways of resolving conflict, check out this 4 part podcast series on How to L.O.V.E. your way through Conflict.

When marriage is hard, it’s also a great time to control your focus. Whatever you focus on, you magnify. If you’re constantly thinking about the problems or the flaws you are seeing in your spouse, then those will be the things that increase and seem bigger in your life. Try to take some time to add some gratefulness to your day and begin to look for the things your spouse is doing right instead, then let them know. Take time to remember the good days you’ve had and maybe even bring some of those memories up for conversation.

Lastly, because marriage can be hard, it’s so important that you also make time for fun. The more you constantly work on your marriage, the more your marriage will feel like nothing but work. Go out for a date that’s casual and fun. Play together, laugh together, even if it’s over a movie sitting a few feet apart on the couch, just find a way to rebuild your friendship and add in fun.

Remember, marriage can be hard, but it shouldn’t always be hard. Please check out our website for more of our resources, articles, podcast, and our couple’s devotional. Help and hope are available, and you and your spouse deserve it.

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Stop Trying to Manifest a Better Marriage

by email@expeditionmarriage.org | Jan 8, 2022 | Articles

Manifesting—the latest buzz word. The whole idea behind it is that if you want positive things like wealth, a dream job, healing, a great marriage, etc., is all you must do is think positive thoughts around those things, and perhaps put a few of them down on paper as if they’ve already happened, and then “POOF!”, they will be manifested into reality.

If only it were that simple!

While there’s nothing wrong with a positive mindset, in fact, as marriage counselors, we encourage them, but left on their own they’re not miracle makers. If you simply think good thoughts and never pair them with action, they will likely go nowhere.

To be honest, the concept of manifesting has some real dangers to it. Believing that positive thoughts are enough to change circumstances can be harmful because they can keep you from showing up and doing the work that indeed will change your circumstances, in this case, your marriage. They can also lead you straight to despair when your manifesting fails.

Let’s think for a minute. What about the woman with cancer who still fully believes she will be healed because that is what she is manifesting, and yet she’s not? Did she not think positively enough?

How about the wife who is manifesting her husband to quit drinking and become more invested in his marriage, yet his addiction still destroys their family? Is that on her now?

No, of course not. But this is the harm that can come from this idea.
The reality is, sometimes we can think positively AND do the work and all the right things, and bad things still happen. The truth is, there is no magic answer, but I think that might be what we all may be looking for.

Here’s why: We don’t like pain or suffering of any kind. We don’t like living paycheck to paycheck, we don’t like cancer, we don’t like hard marriages, we don’t like discomfort, so instead we start grasping at the straws of manifesting.

If you really want as good of a life as you can have, including your marriage, here is the real path to your best shot at it:

Intentionality + Effort + Prayer + Trust

Be intentional with life and your marriage. Want a great marriage? Do what people who have great marriages do. They go on date nights, they have deep and authentic communication, they deal with their problems, they enjoy sex together, they have fun and a friendship. Do the things that will create a great marriage. Be intentional and put in some effort. Don’t just try to think them into happening.

You also want to surrender in prayer. Manifestation is just an effort to try and be in complete control so your life can be easy. The problem is that life has probably already shown you repeatedly how little control you have. But that’s ok, control is overrated. What you need instead is to be faithful in prayer remembering that God is always in complete control. The One who knows all, sees all, and will always have the best plan, even when it makes no sense to you.

You see, what this all comes down to is knowing and trusting that when you’re following the Lord, things will always turn out how they should. He will put light on your path, and He will redeem any missed steps along the way. His plan will always be the best one, way better than anything you could ever manifest yourself. You just need to do the work, and sure, stay positive, but let Him be responsible for the results.

Do you want to really unleash God in the changing of your marriage?
Try taking our 30 Day Praying for Your Husband Challenge or our 30 Day Praying for Your Wife Challenge!

Check them out here:

30 Days of Praying for Your Husband Challenge

30 Days of Praying for Your Wife Challenge

The Top 5 Best New Year Couple Goals

by email@expeditionmarriage.org | Nov 17, 2021 | Articles

Did you know that a whopping 83% of the population does not have any goals? That means that majority of people are just living their lives and allowing whatever happens to just happen. Then there’s another 14% that has goals but aren’t serious enough about them to write them down.

Yikes!

This is not only a bad idea as a way of life, but it’s a really bad idea for your marriage. So, how about taking the 3% approach instead? What the 3% does is makes goals and writes them down. If you do that you will be in the top 3% of the population that is 30 times more likely to achieve your goals. Else, your marriage will just go wherever life takes it.

Let me encourage you as a couple to take some time, sit down together, and go over some of these top 5 goals and write them down.

Top 5 New Year Goals for Couples

This first one is rather simple, in fact, you probably already know people who have done this, or you may have done it yourself—pick a word. Think about one word that you want more of in your marriage this year. It can be peace, focus, growth, family, etc… We recommend you pray about this and see what word God may give you.

One simple word can act like a filter for your year. For instance, if it doesn’t help you grow, have peace or benefit family time, then it doesn’t get on your calendar. It’s the word you filter all your decisions through.

You also want to take time and reflect on the past. What worked about last year and what didn’t? Is there anything on the schedule that is stressful or that steals from your family or your peace? Was there anything that you loved and want more of? Discuss these things together.

When you’ve done your reflecting, it’s time to decide if you’re up for the challenge of fixing what is broken.There’s nothing like a new year that gives you a clean slate. Why bring old broken things into a new year. Now is the time to think about how you are as a couple. How is your communication? How well are you handling conflict? How about the household chores and business of running a family? If there’s an area that’s not working, decide to fix it.

Another great goal for the year is to make it a priority to connect daily. There are 4 prime times or sweet spots in your daily routine that are great for connecting. When you wake up, when you depart from one another, when you return together, and when you go to bed. Use those times for kisses, hugs, questions, and encouragements. Just get face to face and connect.

Lastly, and this is a big one—have fun! Don’t ever get so caught up in hitting those goals without making fun one of them. Friendship is foundational in marriage and a really solid indicator about the health of a marriage too. It’s been proven time and time again that coupes who have a solid friendship last the longest and are the most satisfied in their marriage.

As a new year approaches, always keep in mind that you may not be able to control what the new year brings, but you can always decide how you’re going to handle it.

If you want another great way to start a new year, how about joining a completely free 30 Day Praying for your Husband or for your Wife Challenge. Click below to sign up today!

Praying for Your Husband Challenge

Praying for Your Wife Challenge

3 Simple Ways to Deal with Disagreements

by email@expeditionmarriage.org | Nov 16, 2021 | Articles

Are disagreements between you and your spouse derailing your marriage? If so, there’s good news—they don’t have to! In fact, when handled properly, disagreements can actually make your marriage stronger. When you learn how to disagree well, you are building a foundation in your marriage, a foundation that says, “We can do hard things.”

When you learn that your marriage can handle hard things it removes a lot of fear of the future. You won’t need to sweep anything under the rug, nor do you have to walk on eggshells for your spouse. Handling conflict well opens the door to deeper and more authentic communication. So, let’s get on with it, shall we?

3 Simple Ways to Deal with Disagreements

Whenever a disagreement begins, step one is to use your ears instead of your mouth. God did give you two ears and one mouth for a reason; listening is important. James 1:19 says “Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” There’s an order inside that verse, listen quickly, not after you’ve stated your own case first, be slow to speak, which means you have to pause and think about how you will respond, and then, be slow to anger. That third part is basically a biproduct of putting the other two in their proper place.

All too often in marriage we get that verse all out of order and usually leave one out. We state our case, get angry and then tend to not even listen to our spouse’s side. This way doesn’t work.

You also want to look for the agreement. Whether you

realize it or not, in most of your disagreements you have a common goal. You just might have different ways of going about it. For instance, you may disagree on how to discipline your kids, but I bet you both share the common goal of having well behaved children. So, the next time you get into a disagreement pause and ask the question, “What is the goal we each want?”

Lastly, now that you’re mastering those listening skills, ask your spouse this question to understand them even more, “What is your win here?” When you ask this question, it will take the defensiveness right out of your spouse and let them know you’re on their side.

Learning to have disagreements well will indeed grow you closer and leave you more connected.

3 Simple Ways tro Deal with Disagreements

If you want tips on how to deal with conflict, be sure to check out the Expedition Marriage podcast series, How to L.O.V.E Your Way Through Conflict.

How to Handle Change as a Couple

by email@expeditionmarriage.org | Nov 11, 2021 | Articles

Did you know that you and your spouse have a Change Scale? That means that you have individual abilities to adapt to change. One of you may be way more resistant to change and really would just love for everything to stay the same. The other might be a lover of change and feel as if there’s no change, there’s no growth. Then there’s a third type of person who is just fairly neutral and can take it or leave it.

Whether you are opposites or exactly the same in this category, it’s not difficult for your marriage to get out of whack when change, especially unexpected change, comes your way. And, since the only thing that doesn’t change is the fact that there will always be change, it’s going to be important for you to learn how to handle these seasons of change. Here are some ways you can not only support one another during these times, but perhaps even learn to thrive in them.

How to Handle Change as a Couple

Address those big emotions in whichever of you has them. It’s very common for the change resistant spouse to have a lot of fear regarding change. There was likely comfort in the familiar that now must be let go of. Address that. Let your spouse or you have those fears and learn to embrace them as part of the process. There is nothing wrong with being afraid of the unfamiliar. That’s totally normal.

It will be very important to not only just talk about those fears but also to provide support. Trust is a big component of change. It’s so much easier to go through change with someone who you know will be right there with you. God gives us that promise Himself, to never leave us and to always go with us in Deuteronomy 31:6. There’s great comfort in knowing you’re not alone. When the time for change comes, remind your spouse that you’re in this together.

Next, you want to make some space for any grief that is needed. Quite often change comes with letting go. Whether it is a new job, a child going to college, a move to a new state, or heck, even to a new house, be sure to support one another for any losses as well. Again, those feelings are normal. Don’t try to dispel them, shame yourself or one another for having them, or shove them down. Just have them, because when you do, it’s time for the most positive step in handling change—get excited!

Yes, excitement for what’s ahead, even if it’s unknown, is important. After all, it may be unknown to you, but it is completely known by God, and His plan is good.

Change is unavoidable, so whether you love it or hate it, you must learn how to deal with it because it’s surely coming! But, change is also a stressor for many people and when stress comes into your marriage, it’s time to be there for one another. Allow for your differences, support one another and be hopeful about what the change will bring.

If you want more on this topic, be sure to check out the Expedition Marriage podcast, and if you want to check your Life Change score and see if changes are indeed stressing you out, plus get some conversation helps to use in your marriage, be sure to click below!

xoxo, Chris & Jamie