Empathy: The Marriage Game Changer

Empathy: The Marriage Game Changer

by | Sep 22, 2019 | Articles

The story goes like this: A husband comes home from work. 

“Is dinner not done?”

“No honey, the kids have been fighting all day, and I’ve been trying to clean and get stuff done.” 

“It doesn’t look like you’ve done very much. There’s laundry all over the place.”

“Well, it’s not like I get a lunch break or peace and quiet all day, like you do.”

Do I even need to continue? We all know how this story goes, don’t we?

This is a classic, non-empathetic conversation that won’t go anywhere good. Right out of the gate, there’s a big lack of understanding. This couple is fighting as if there’s a right or wrong here. In reality, about 70% of arguments are over inconsequential things, things where there isn’t actually a right or a wrong. These situations can actually become sweet spots for empathy. 

When we empathize with our spouse, we are imagining what it would be like in their shoes and seeing things from their perspective. If the two of you were standing in a room, one facing a corner and the other looking out into the rest of the house, and we asked you what you each saw, one would say “the wall” and the other would say “the kitchen, furniture, the door, etc.” Two completely different answers, so which one of you would be wrong?

Neither. The answer is neither.

Why? Because you have two entirely different views. Same room, just different views. And guess what? Both of them are okay! 

When we bring empathy into our relationships, it softens hearts and brings comfort to one another. It says, “I see you. I imagine what this must be like for you. How can I help?”

Now, let’s go back to the original scenario. The husband comes home from work wondering why dinner isn’t done, and his wife responds with exhaustion and frustration over the chores and the kids. Instead of getting upset, he leans in and says, “I’m sorry it’s been a rough day. Honey, is there anything I can do to help?” 

It’s like a Christmas miracle, right? Wouldn’t that be amazing?

Now his wife’s heart has been moved from a place of stress to a place of having a helpful resource and comforter. Imagine what it would be like for her husband if she in turn said, “Thanks, babe. I know you’ve probably worked hard and had a long day, too, but I would appreciate it if you could play with the kids while I finish dinner.” Instantly, he’s affirmed in his offer to help, and, as a bonus, he’s appreciated and seen for his efforts and the work he did that day.

Unlike the original conversation that was going nowhere good, this conversation has the potential to lead to many good places, including the bedroom! Why? Because there’s nothing sexier than a man refusing to dismiss his wife and tending to her emotional needs and stressors, and there’s not much sexier to a husband then feeling appreciated, respected, and affirmed. (Well, maybe there is, but this is still important.)

Two people who willingly enter into each other’s pain and frustration, attempting to understand it, so they can best support the one they love, will always lead to a win-win in a marriage.

Empathy always leans in, listens, and seeks to understand. Make this change in your marriage, and you will be well on your way to a very fulfilling, safe, and comforting relationship.

Empathy always helps you Enjoy the Journey!
52 week couples devotional for newly weds and newlywed wanna be's, even if you have been married for over 30 years you can benefit your marriage
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Newlywed Couple's Devotional

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features:

•  52 Weekly Devotionals that explore common issues and themes every couple experiences, such as intimacy, love, commitment, household duties, finances, and more

•  Everyday Scripture and Reflective Bible Studies that provide practical solutions to bringing marriages closer to God

•  Action-Oriented Discussion Prompts that hold couples accountable for maintaining their God-anchored vows

•  Weekly Prayers that are specific and relevant to the topics discussed

A Message from God for Your Hurting Marriage

A Message from God for Your Hurting Marriage

by | Sep 16, 2019 | Articles

Dear Sweet Child,

I know you’re scared right now — for your marriage and for what the future may hold. Would you come and just sit in my presence and let me remind you that I control the future? I have begun this great work in you and in your marriage. I am not finished yet, and I will finish the work I started. Don’t worry. Don’t doubt. 

Trust me.

 I am trustworthy. I am forever faithful. I have never left you, nor will I ever leave you or forsake you. You don’t have to fear, because I am your God. I am the Maker of heaven and earth and the very creator of marriage itself. I will strengthen you and uphold you. Even though it feels like it, I will not allow you to be moved.

Come sit with me, for I know you are tired. Give me your burden, your marriage, and I will carry it. My yoke is easy. 

I know you feel like you can barely go on, but I am here, and I will provide the strength you need to persevere. Have I ever not provided the exact grace you needed in the exact moment you needed it? Is there anything you have not survived this far? I know every hair on your head, every need you have, and every longing of your heart. You can trust me to know exactly what your marriage needs, too. 

Will you trust me to refine you? To refine your spouse? To make all things new?

I know you are filled with doubt, but don’t forget who I am. I am the God of redemption. There is nothing too hard for me, dear one that I love. I know every detail of your marriage, and my glory is unfolding in it. I never do anything without purpose. I am the One who can make beauty from ashes. I made you, my magnificent work of art, in my very own image, from mere dust on the ground. Remember that I make beautiful things out of what seems like nothing.

My words alone can breathe life. I am the One who tells what is dead to rise up. Can I not do the same for your marriage? Will you take my hand and walk with me on this journey? 

Trust me.

Will you choose to take my strength, grace, and mercy and learn to suffer well? I have called you to this for a purpose. Your desert season is not unknown to me. You just don’t understand my ways; I know this, because my ways are higher than yours. If you could see what I was doing or understand me fully, I would simply be a greater version of you, but I am not. I am the great I Am. There is none like me. 

Trust me. 

Keep walking — one foot in front of the other. Follow Me. These are the trials that I promised you would come. Remember that I have overcome them already; therefore, you can take heart and find rest. 

Breathe in. Breathe out. 

Breathe in… 

Breathe out…  

That is the very breath I give you and sustain you with. Do you feel me? With every breath, that is Me. I have never left your presence. 

Great is my faithfulness, for I am not a God who disappoints. Fix your eyes on me, and you will be given perfect peace. Wait for me in your suffering. I am working. I am making a stream in the wasteland.  

Trust me.

I love you,

God

The Top Communication Mistakes and How to Avoid Them

The Top Communication Mistakes and How to Avoid Them

by | Aug 25, 2019 | Articles

Let’s be honest, communication can be hard. This is true for several reasons. First of all, not all of us received a good example of how to communicate well, and communication is a learned skill. We tend not to be born as natural communicators, so give yourself some slack if you’re struggling. There is hope!

As for the mistakes couples are making when it comes to communication, well, those tend to be more of our natural responses. Why? Because they’re self protective, and not one of us needs to be taught how to do that. Am I right?

The first communication error is NOT COMMUNICATING. Your needs will never get met if you don’t ask for them, and your problems will never get resolved if you just wish them away. You have to find your voice in order to communicate well. Your spouse needs to know where you stand, they need to know whats ok with you and whats not, and they need to know if something is bothering you. 

The next problem is assuming that your spouse will pick up the cues and figure out what’s wrong. In other words, “I shouldn’t have to say anything, because they should know that I’m upset”. If this is you, you are probably one of the ones that tends to ask for what you need through complaints. Here are some common examples, “This house is a mess”, “I’m always the one who puts gas in the car”, “We never go anywhere together”. 

But come on, those aren’t too hard to figure out. They’re common sense! Right?

Wrong. 

They are hard to figure out because no one is listening… because they are complaints. 

Complaints produce defensive, non listeners. Complaints invite self protection. Instead, it’s best to turn those complaints into communicative asks. For instance, “Can you please help me pick up the house?”, “Can you please make sure the car has gas for me?”, or “I’d really love to plan a date night or vacation with you.”

Here’s the deal, the ask is always going to make you more vulnerable. On the other side of an ask is a risk. You could receive a no, or you could be ignored. Rejection can also be on the other side of an ask too, and rejection is always painful. However, you must learn to invest in the ask. It’s always a step in the right direction, and for what it’s worth, you can always contact us if the ask isn’t working in your marriage.

Another communication mistake is taking your problems outside of your marriage. When you begin to talk with others about things you should be talking about with your spouse, you’re just asking for problems. This is

especially true if you’re talking to a member of the opposite sex. We definitely don’t recommend doing that. That will set you up nicely to begin having your needs met by someone other than your spouse.

In general, it also sets you up for bitterness to take root. Talking about problems without addressing them only serves to highlight the problems and make you more resentful for having them. So, unless you have a good, Godly friend who points you back to your spouse for resolution, there’s no benefit in sharing with everyone else, except your spouse.

You also don’t ever want to make the mistake of escalating or exaggerating a problem. Once you start throwing around always’ and nevers, you can kiss the good communication goodbye. Those force your spouse to take a defensive stance, and that never leads to anywhere good.

Lastly, threats have no place in good communication. Sometimes in a panic or just in desperation to be heard, couples throw out the D word, divorce. They may not mean it, but it can cause extensive damage. It dwindles away at, or completely removes trust in the relationship. This is not good! Let’s put that word under lock and key and not let it out.

If you you want to be a communication boss, Speak Up, Ask for What You Need, Keep it Between the Two of You, and Don’t Threaten or Exaggerate.

Doing these things will certainly help you Enjoy the Journey!
52 week couples devotional for newly weds and newlywed wanna be's, even if you have been married for over 30 years you can benefit your marriage
Buy Now on Amazon

Book

Newlywed Couple's Devotional

(for Newlywed Couples and Newlywed Wanna-Be's)

features:

•  52 Weekly Devotionals that explore common issues and themes every couple experiences, such as intimacy, love, commitment, household duties, finances, and more

•  Everyday Scripture and Reflective Bible Studies that provide practical solutions to bringing marriages closer to God

•  Action-Oriented Discussion Prompts that hold couples accountable for maintaining their God-anchored vows

•  Weekly Prayers that are specific and relevant to the topics discussed

Honey, Let Me Tell You Why I Want a Date Night

Honey, Let Me Tell You Why I Want a Date Night

by | Aug 22, 2019 | Articles

Honey, I know it’s been a while since we’ve had a date night.

I’m tired, you’re tired, it’s too expensive, and we don’t have any time. I know all of these things are true, but yet I desperately want a date night anyway. Let me tell you why…

When we go out it gives me an opportunity to remember who you are and appreciate who you’re becoming. Who we are becoming together. These are things we can only know by communicating, actually having uninterrupted time talking together. We’re both always evolving and I don’t want to miss that. I want to know what’s going on in your life. How you think and feel matters to me. 

I also love us after we’ve experienced a date night. It increases the quality of our relationship. I feel loved and valued, and my love and value for you increases too. We’re a better us when we take time away together. Besides, sometimes I just really miss you and I don’t like that. I wan’t another date night with you. 

Spending time, just the two of us, reminds me that I am a priority to you and it helps me keep you a priority to me. I don’t want to just wish we had time together. I want to make that time of investment in you because you matter to me. When we go on dates I am reminded of our commitment and dedication to each other. I am reminded that you will always have my back and I yours. I really want a date night with you.

Honey, I want a date night with you because you make me come alive. Time alone with you makes me desire you in all the ways, physically, emotionally and mentally. It keeps the element of surprise in our marriage. It brings to the surface the fun and playful side of us that I love so much. 

Lastly, dating you makes me remember all the many things I love about you and why I married you in the first place. So, how about it, you up for a date?

Love,

Me 

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Honey, I Will Never Bail on You

Honey, I Will Never Bail on You

by | Jul 29, 2019 | Articles

To the One that I Love,

When I stood across from you as we spoke our vows, it was easy to give you all of my love and my whole heart. You were the perfect one for me, and in those brief moments at the alter, I felt complete. I was completely sure of my decision to vow my life to you, not in a commitment, as long as you make me happy, kind of way, but in that deep, everlasting, sickness and health, covenant kind of way.

I meant every word I said as I declared my love for you.

As the years have flown by, our emotions have flowed in and out like the waves of the ocean. At times, those waters have been serene and calm like a beautiful sheet of glass, but they have also seen days of raging like a violent storm. It is in those raging moments that I promise to you that I will always recall that day on the altar. 

I must. 

I must, because my emotions are fleeting, my desires are ever changing, and the circumstances of life are out of my control. That day at the altar, the words that flowed out of my mouth between you, me, and our God, they became the anchor of our marriage. I will rely on that covenant to always keep us afloat, even in the stormy seasons.

Honey, I will never bail on you.

I won’t bail because I know the quirks that you have, the ones that drive me nuts, are there to make me better. They call out a grace in me that I might not ever tap into without you. The way you leave your clothes on the floor, or leave the gas tank empty, or the countless coffee cups that have left rings on the table from sitting out all day, those things, as crazy as they seem, they make me better.

It is in those things that I am able to recognize that you have a need for me. I can see that I help you with organization, with being on time, with putting things away that never make it on your radar as you step right over them everyday. I see that I can make your life better by staffing your weaknesses and by showing you the deep love that only grace can offer. I know that I have a need for you too. You bring balance to my life that I often forget I even need.

Honey, I will never bail on you.

The arguments we have provide me opportunity for growth. They help mold me and shape me to become more like Christ. They ask me to level up in my faith and maturity. They encourage me to focus on solutions instead of on giving up. I need the challenge of us so I don’t ever become stagnant in my growth. 

Honey, I will never bail on you.

We were once two that have become one. You are a piece of me, tightly woven together by God himself. I have to choose to fight for you, for us, because in that I am also fighting for myself, perhaps in a way that no one else ever had. 

You were a gift to me, even on days when it doesn’t feel like it. You are the key to making me better. You are the one placed in my life to iron out my wrinkles, inspire the great things I am to become, and to simply walk alongside me. You are part of my healing and my celebration journey.

I won’t bail on you because I acknowledge that there is a greater purpose at work amongst us. One that holds us to the fire to burn away all the rough edges, to refine us and to show the world how Christ loves His own bride, the church. How could I ever allow the world to miss that? Bailing on you, would mean bailing on me, and ultimately it would mean bailing on God, and at the very least, He doesn’t deserve that.

Honey, I will never bail on you.

I won’t ever bail on you because I am not happy, because our marriage is hard, because we have a crisis, because you get sick, or because you go through a trial that changes who you are for season. All of those things call me to a greater love, a sacrificial love, just like the love Jesus came to give us all. And just as He once spread out His arms open wide, inviting us all in to receive the forgiveness and grace, I will always choose to open my arms to you, inviting you in, reminding you…that,

Honey, I will never bail on you.

Because, even in our darkest season and deepest pain,  Christ will never bail on us.