When I was a little girl, I had a pink room with two windows—one that looked directly into my backyard and another that looked at our neighbors’ home. I had a rainbow comforter, a Strawberry Shortcake doll, and a couple of Care Bears sitting in a row in front of my pillows. Most of my time was spent in that room—I still remember it so vividly.

My home was not a healthy home—it was pretty far from it—and that room of mine, well, it was more of a hiding place, a place where I could sometimes find the peace and solace that I craved. I always longed for a healthy home, even though I had no concept of what one really was. I just knew it was different from what I had.

2. Everyone is HEARD. Everyone gets to have a voice that matters, and, when that voice speaks out—people listen. No one has to agree with what is being said, but that voice, no matter how little, how shy, or how loud and afraid, it is important enough to be heard. Respect can still be instilled without a voice being stolen away. There is simply an environment of freedom to express what is really going on with each person.

3. Everyone feels SAFE. When people within a family know they are seen and heard, it begins to produce safety. Safety is formed out of responsiveness. Safety happens when you can have a hard day, and you are allowed to cry or be angry and still be listened to — instead of being sent away, dismissed, or judged. Safety encourages asking for help and leaning on one another. Safety looks for signs of hard days, sadness, or anger. It says, “I have your back, and you can trust that.” 

4. Everyone experiences COMFORT. Comfort is having a known place to turn to when life is hard. It is a valuable resource that makes sure no one ever feels alone in their struggles. Comfort teaches us that when hard things happen, we need not fear, because we have a resource. We have someone willing to sit with us, help us, and just be there. Comfort says, “You matter.” Comfort doesn’t sweep things under the rug, dismiss, or lash out in anger; it just offers, well, comfort.

As moms and dads, we have a responsibility to create a healthy home. Most of that effort comes from how we treat one another. When we, as parents, have God in the center of our marriage, we will focus on loving one another well, just as He commands. It will be much easier for us to show grace, compassion, empathy, patience, and love.

So, if you need a starting place, start with your relationship. Do you feel SEEN, HEARD, SAFE and COMFORTED with one another? If not, there’s a high probability your kids don’t feel those things either. Prepare yourself to do what it takes to get your relationship in order. Be willing to work on your marriage, so your kids won’t have to work on theirs. 

If you want to see how you’re doing, go check out these tough but necessary questions to ask the members of your family today!

“My husband refuses to go to counseling.” We hear this phrase quite frequently. If these words ring true for you, don’t despair — there’s still hope. If you know that your marriage needs help and your husband is digging in his heels, there’s usually a reason. Let us give you some clarity with four common concerns that go through a man’s mind about counseling:

• He may misunderstand what counseling is. He thinks he will have to just sit and talk about all his feelings, entering into this overly emotional situation.
• He doesn’t like the cost, and he thinks it will be a waste of money.
• He thinks it’s a set-up to be thrown under the bus. It’s just a way to confront him with everything he’s doing wrong.
• This last one may be surprising — he thinks needing counseling means that he’s inadequate. He feels that he should be able to fix things on his own; seeking help seems to prove that he can’t.

As the wife, your first step is changing your perspective of your husband’s response. It’s not a personal attack or a rejection of you. It’s not that he doesn’t want to fix your marriage, because he most likely does. It’s more often that he’s dealing with one, or all, of these faulty beliefs. When you can get a glimpse into how he might be feeling, you can enter in with empathy.

So, how do you best present your case for counseling? We can help with that, too. Assuming — which we don’t often recommend you do in your marriage, but we’re going to give it a shot here, because this situation does deserve an educated guess — that your husband is dealing with these common misperceptions, we want you to voice truth that counters what he may be thinking. 

First of all, be clear with your desire for a good outcome. Tell him what your hope for counseling is: “Honey, I know you don’t want to go to counseling, but I would really like to, because [this is where you speak truth and clarify your intentions]. I want us to be happier. I want to fight less and yell less. I want us to be a good example for the kids.” You can also add in a bonus, “I don’t like the way I treat you and how I act sometimes. I’d like to work on myself in our marriage too.” 

When you have this conversation, don’t worry about what he does wrong or how he treats you; that’s not the point. The point is to help combat the shame or defensiveness he might be feeling that is preventing him from seeking help. Can you see how he might be able to get on board when you take some ownership too? 

Here’s a couple more ways to bring truth into the conversation: “I know it costs money but I think our marriage is worth it. I don’t know for sure if it will work, but I’d be willing to spend the money, just for a shot of us having a better marriage,” or “I know that I am part of the problem, too, and I just want us to do all we can to make our marriage better. I know you’re not happy right now, and I’d like for you to be. I’d really love for you to go with me.”

Now, you’ve really stated your case. You’ve shared your feelings without manipulation, finding fault, or adding pressure. You’re simply asking for what you want in the least threatening way to your husband, who likely has valid concerns. 

After you’ve shared your heart, if he still says no, then the best thing you can do for your marriage is to go by yourself. Yes, marriage counseling can still be done, and often quite successfully, with just one spouse. Honestly, we often find that the husband does eventually get on board, if anything, out of sheer curiosity or, perhaps, to come in and tell us his side. Then, once he’s in the office, he can find out that it’s really nothing like what he was thinking it would be.

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Newlywed Couple’s Devotional

(for Newlywed Couples and Newlywed Wanna-Be’s)

features:

•  52 Weekly Devotionals that explore common issues and themes every couple experiences, such as intimacy, love, commitment, household duties, finances, and more

•  Everyday Scripture and Reflective Bible Studies that provide practical solutions to bringing marriages closer to God

•  Action-Oriented Discussion Prompts that hold couples accountable for maintaining their God-anchored vows

•  Weekly Prayers that are specific and relevant to the topics discussed