Are You Sharing These 7 Things in Your Marriage?

by email@expeditionmarriage.org | Apr 17, 2023 | Articles

Regarding marriage, holding back certain things should not be the norm. It can be so tempting to withhold things from one another for various reasons. Some things are hard to share because they’re embarrassing, or you’re worried about how your spouse will feel about them or if they’ll be upset. Other things you don’t want to share because maybe you feel like they won’t matter anyway. The truth is that healthy marriages have two individuals that share with each other.

Here are 7 Things You Want to Share with Your Spouse:

Your thoughts- Don’t hold back your thoughts and ideas from your spouse. Let them know what’s going on in your head.
Your fears- Share your fears with one another. When you let your spouse know what scares you, they can be a reassuring resource to you.
Your appreciation- Don’t assume that your spouse knows you appreciate them. Even if they do, they will always like being appreciated again. Let them know the little things they do that matter. Share with them how much whatever it is they do helps you or makes you feel better.
Your body- This can be one of the most fun things to share in marriage. Physical intimacy is a need for both of you. There are so many benefits to becoming one flesh.
Your concerns- As you’re reading these, perhaps you’ve already noticed a trigger has been hit with you. That is something to share with your spouse. Your concerns should be important in your marriage.
Your encouragement- Life can be hard. Perhaps life is hard right now. Be diligent in encouraging your spouse. If they’re like the rest of us, there’s a high likelihood that they need it!
Your needs- The only way your needs will get met is if you share them. Don’t rely on them to pick up subtle hints or guess them on their own. Share them.

As you’ve gone through this list, if there are any that are difficult for you or that you struggle with, it’s important for you to give that some attention. Next to God, your spouse is designed to be your greatest resource, as you are theirs. You must have enough safety in your marriage to share the hard things, enough friendship to share the fun things, and enough security to share the areas you struggle with and desire to grow in.

Today is a great day to start sharing! Pick one area off the list and start sharing today!

If you want more ways to share and connect with your spouse, check out the Restoring Connection Course to grow in your marriage and closer to one another.

Hey Mom and Dad! What You Model in Your Marriage Matters

by email@expeditionmarriage.org | Apr 3, 2023 | Articles

Do you know how high fleas can jump? It’s four ft. Fleas can literally jump straight up in the air to the height of 48 inches. Pretty impressive, yet also slightly disturbing, right?

However, did you know you can take what God designed them to do for whatever reason and greatly reduce their capabilities? A study was done on this by someone with perhaps a little too much time on their hands. (BTW, I promise there will be a marriage message in this, so hang with me.) They took a group of 4ft jumping fleas and placed them in a jar with a lid. Understandably, the frantic fleas immediately started jumping, only to realize this lid stunted them. After 3 hours, the lid was removed and the fleas kept jumping; however, they could still only jump the height of the lid and remained trapped in captivity.

The study continued long enough for the fleas to breed and have many babies. You’d think that since God’s design was for a flea to jump 4ft, the little fleas would immediately soar out of the jar, but that is not what happened. The study found that even the new fleas maxed out at the height of a few inches of the jar.

So what does all this mean? It means that what you model is powerful! Those fleas only jumped inches because that is what was modeled for them by the older fleas. You can apply this same mentality to your marriage by thinking about what you, as parents, are modeling for your children.

Are you showing them their full 4ft potential, or are you teaching them limits of a mere few inches?

Here are some questions to ask yourself when it comes to modeling in your marriage:

What are we as a couple teaching our children about love? Is it a sacrificial and consistent action, or is it just a fleeting and conditional feeling?
Do they see love as being kind and supportive or harsh and judgmental?
What are they learning about conflict? Is it healthy and constructive, or scary and filled with yelling and name-calling?
What are they learning about assertiveness? Do they see mom and dad sharing what they feel in freedom or withholding while they walk on eggshells in passivity? Do they see that both of you can share openly and honestly, or is one of you being too aggressive?
Finally, what are they learning about the gospel? Do they see you each walking in obedience to what the Lord has called you to, or do they see you living by your own rules, barely making time for the Lord?

Your marriage has many opportunities to guide and nurture your kids every single day. Mom and Dad, your modeling matters because those little eyes are watching, and you’re the most influential people in their lives. Take that role seriously and teach your kids how to soar in this life without a lid!

If you want more on this topic, check out the Expedition Marriage podcast on, Why How You Grew Up Matters and Planting Seeds in Your Children.

Winning the Real Marriage Battle

by email@expeditionmarriage.org | Mar 20, 2023 | Articles

What is the REAL Battle for Marriage?

John 10:10: “The thief comes to steal, kill and destroy…” As if this list of destruction isn’t bad enough, allow me to add one more thing; to distract. Not just to distract us with busyness but to distract us from even realizing that he is real, that he is a threat, and that he is the one we are warring against.

Married life isn’t always easy, and it’s a guarantee that this wonderful person you married entered your marriage with some flaws; flaws that have come and gone, flaws that have increased, and flaws that drive you nuts or even cause great wedges between you. And by the way, if your spouse is reading this, the same rule applies.

It can be so easy to put your attention on the wrongs of your spouse. It can also be easy to battle with them over their reluctance to change, their wrongness, or their different way of doing things. All evidence and all fingers point to them as the problem. So naturally, the battle begins… with them.

You gather your weapons as any worthy opponent would. You’ve stacked your evidence and remembered every date, time, and color of t-shirt they were wearing when the offense in question took place. You know the words you will hurl, the rightness you will stand in, and you will be sure to sleep separately and not even let a pinky toe touch your side of the bed until a resolution is found and the battle has been won.

Night after night, the same battle ensues, albeit over different topics occasionally; this familiar war dance remains the same.

You fix your eyes on your spouse, and all the while, your real Enemy sets his eyes on you, your spouse, AND your marriage. You have bought his lie of distraction. He has convinced you that your Enemy, even though it is biblically inaccurate, is indeed flesh and blood (Eph 6:12). You are distracted fighting an enemy that doesn’t exist while the real one is stealing, killing, and destroying your marriage.

Fight by fight and night by night, your connection drifts apart while he sits back and laughs, shining his trophy that he has no right to.

Your battle is not with your spouse, nor is it a physical one. The real war is against the Enemy of your soul and is in the spiritual realm. It’s time to open your eyes and show up with different weapons. Spiritual battles are fought with spiritual weapons; you are equipped with every single one you need, and it’s time to put them to use!

Suppose you want to win the real battle in your marriage. In that case, it will be done through prayer, following God’s Word, doing what it says, finding your refuge in Jesus, and being sober-minded and aware that your Enemy is prowling around intending to destroy you.

The Enemy is after your marriage, and every time you refuse to grow and change, to forgive, and to sit down and talk about real issues and learn new ways to connect and heal, you are teaming up with him.

The Enemy has no business in your marriage, so it’s time to team up with one another, link arms, and focus on the real opponent together. Don’t settle for anything less than the marriage God created you to have.

If you want more resources to help you in your marriage, check out the Expedition Marriage podcast and subscribe to our weekly newsletter.

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Building Spiritual Intimacy

by email@expeditionmarriage.org | Feb 21, 2023 | Articles

Spiritual intimacy is the glue that holds couples together. When you started your relationship and marriage, it likely relied heavily upon emotional and physical intimacy. If you’ve been married for any length of time, you’ll know that emotions change frequently, and physical connection can drift in and out too. Lose a night’s worth of sleep, become hungry, or be a parent with young kids, and you’ll know exactly what I mean.

Spiritual intimacy is something you can always share. It’s all about growing in the Lord together. It’s about pursuing God’s will for both your marriage and as individuals. Some of the healthiest marriages contain two individuals seeking to follow Christ and honor God with their lives. Couples who have a vision for their marriage and know that it has a higher calling to give God all the glory are the ones who will thrive even when emotions run from high to low and even when physical exhaustion or disconnection happens.

Spiritual intimacy allows for connection during those hard times. It involves a place of repentance and forgiveness when conflict comes and regrets take place. It will enable space for handholding even when you’ve just had a spat and don’t want to be touched by the other. Spiritual intimacy drives you to reach out to your spouse despite their flaws and the errors they’ve made.

Spiritual intimacy beckons you to a deeper and richer kind of love. Love like Christ has for His bride. Spiritual intimacy says I am here and in this with you no matter what.

If you want to build your spiritual intimacy, try these things:

Read God’s Word and share what you learn with one another. Invite your spouse on the journey you’re taking with God.

Pray individually and together. Check out this free resource if you want to start a 30-day Praying for Your Husband/Wife Challenge.

Find a couple to follow. Whose marriage inspires you? Ask them to pour into your life or develop a mentoring relationship.

Start a devotional and have honest conversations that connect you and are rooted in God’s Word. You can find ours HERE

Develop grateful hearts. Make the time to notice your spouse and what they do for you and your family, and let them know you appreciate it.

Become self-aware and take responsibility for what is yours to own instead of blaming your spouse. Ask the Lord to check your heart and reveal anything you need to change.

Finally, less than 10% of couples report having spiritual intimacy in their marriage despite the many wondrous benefits it holds. If your marriage lacks any type of intimacy, make spiritual intimacy the one you focus on first, and you might just find that all the others slowly begin to happen as well.

3 Things Your Marriage Counselor Won’t Tell You

by email@expeditionmarriage.org | Feb 6, 2023 | Articles

As a Marriage Counselor….

As a marriage counselor, I got into this field because I love people and I am a huge believer in hope. I believe it is something everyone needs to know that they have. In fact, instilling hope is always our first goal during an initial session in our marriage ministry, Expedition Marriage. After all, who is going to fight for something if they don’t have the hope they can achieve it? The number one goal of a counselor is to help you change your life and your marriage, and hope is always a necessary part of that.

If you’re in marriage counseling or have been thinking about going, here are some things you may want to know but your counselor likely won’t say…

Most times, as counselors, we can see the potential for your marriage more clearly than you can – which is why we give you assignments and tools to help. But the thing we likely won’t tell you is how dang frustrated we get when you don’t do them or use them! You come in for help, we know these tools work, we have so much hope for you, but more often than not, the tools or assignments you’re given get put on the back burner and left unused.

If you’re in counseling for your marriage, please do the work. Use the tools you’re being given. And remember, we’re not frustrated with you, we’re frustrated because we see the potential and we want you to achieve it.

We also likely won’t tell you that it is so hard for us not to work harder than you do for your marriage. If you knew how many times your counselor is praying and thinking and brainstorming all these things for your marriage while they could be enjoying some mental downtime, you’d be shocked. We have to sometimes try really hard to leave work at work and not be putting in more effort on your behalf than you are. This is a counselor must because the drain is real. In fact the average burnout rate for a counselor is 5 years. So, keep in mind that in counseling you sometimes could be getting so much more if you were putting in more yourself.

Lastly, please don’t take this personally, but we want you to leave.

Yep, we want to wrap up your sessions and send you on your way. Counseling is one of those fields where we succeed by working ourselves out of a job! We want you to heal, to grow, and to leave with a transformed marriage, BUT, here’s the hard part, if you’re not doing the work or putting in any effort, we still want you to go. We want you to leave at that point because you’re not ready and we don’t want to drag you along. That is not helping you, and remember, that’s what we’re about. We’d rather get you out and pray for your return when indeed you’ve had enough of things remaining the same, and you are indeed ready for change.

So, that’s it. Those are the secrets your counselor may be holding out on you. Don’t get mad at them, they really are for you and your marriage. Oh, one last thing, we really aren’t upset with you if we’re not the right fit for you. We want you healed and thriving more than we want to be compatible with you. It’s ok if you part ways with us to find someone else and sometimes we even encourage it.

As a Marriage counselor or relationship coach, we are in a field where we succeed when we work ourselves out of a job

If you’re currently in marriage counseling or thinking about starting it, be sure to show up and do the work. Your counselor truly wants what’s best for you. And in the meantime, if you want some free resources, be sure to check out the Expedition Marriage podcast as well as many other resources at www.expeditionmarriage.org