A Simple Way to Create Family Memories

by email@expeditionmarriage.org | Dec 19, 2022 | Articles

If you’re in the middle of raising a family and your home is filled with noise, laughter, chaos, and busyness, then you know that there are a lot of opportunities within your four walls for many memories to be made.

There’s always a birthday to be celebrated, vacations to take, sporting events to go to, and even special days like the day a child comes to know Jesus or gets baptized. Happenings are going on all around us during these years.

My Favorite Memories

One of my favorite memories growing up was spending a lot of time at the beach. I would go on walks with my mom, and we would hunt for shells for hours. On more than one occasion she made me drag a large piece of driftwood back that she thought would make the perfect lamp one day. Spoiler alert: No lamp was ever made.

Then when I grew up and had a family of my own I started making memories with my own kids. We often would take trips to the library and trips to feed ducks at the lake. We would make totally NON Pinterest-worthy crafts, and even enjoy some of those same shell hunts on the beach.

I remember fondly so many of those times in my life and with my kids. While those memories are etched in my mind, likely forever, I’m not so sure that would be the case if those were events of today. Instead of cherished memories, they would likely become Instagram-worthy moments, Facebook posts, or vlogs of some sort instead.

Creating Memories Now

Perhaps it’s time to think about how much all those pictures and poses are stealing from us. For instance, did you know that there is something our brains do that is called “offloading”? What that means is while in the days of old, our brains would be storing those priceless memories, but now, we have offloaded that storage job to an outsider—our phones. Essentially, instead of storing those precious memories in your own memory bank, your brain now freely lets them go to be stored in your phone.

If you’re like me, you’ll find that very sad, especially if you’re a mom or dad who doesn’t want to miss one moment with your kids. I want to cherish those times with family, not give them away to a piece of technology… and I’m hoping you do too.

We suggest that if you want to create family memories to really remember, that you choose to put down your phone more. Sure, take those special pics, but there’s no need to capture every single moment or event on your phone. In fact, if it’s something really special, do yourself and your brain a favor, and DON’T snap the pic. Let the moment live on in your heart and mind instead of in your iCloud.

Okay, what are you waiting for? Get off here and go make some memories!

Let the moment live on in your heart and mind instead of in your icloud.

The Key To Having Healthy Conflict

by email@expeditionmarriage.org | Dec 5, 2022 | Articles

I remember entering marriage so excited to have finally found the one who will complete me. The knowing that all we needed for a happy marriage was love—and based off how much we had of that for one another, we were gonna be just fine.

Then enters the blindside of refinement.
The blindside of highlighting one another’s flaws.
The blindside of triggers.

All. The. Things.

We really didn’t have many problems dating and we weren’t ever afraid of any problem tearing us apart.

Remember… we were in loooove. But what we didn’t realize was that it wasn’t going to be the problems that would threaten to tear us apart, but rather how we handled them.

This isn’t just true for us, it’s true for all couples.

Most couples enter marriage completely unaware of their triggers, their greatest fears, and their insecurities. It’s marriage that often brings these things out. But that’s where the goodness, yes goodness, of conflict comes in.

Conflict is a great teacher.
The struggle is being willing to become its student.

When conflict arises, and it will in marriage, as do some of those triggers or fears, and whether you react or respond to them will make all the difference. Triggers and fears often ignite an immediate fight, flight, or freeze reaction. These responses are all defense mechanisms. The problem is in marriage you are supposed to be on the same team with someone who you do not need to defend yourself from.

(*Disclaimer: We’re not talking abusive situations here. If that is you, check out this Expedition Marriage podcast episode Enough is Enough)

What You Need to Know about Conflict

To become a student of conflict, you’ve got to add in a pause when those triggers come up. Triggers need to be trained against immediate reaction. They need to be redirected towards slowing down for a pause. Triggers need to start inviting in questions. Questions like:

Is my spouse my enemy here? Is he really against me or does it just feel like it?
What am I really feeling and reacting to? Being misunderstood, unheard, rejected, fear, potential abandonment? What else has ever made me feel this way?
Do I need clarification? Have I heard what is actually being said, or did the filter it went through skew it?
Is there an opportunity for me to grow here? (Tough one…sorry, not sorry, it’s good for you!)

So many times couples fight over everything BUT the actual issue. Once big emotions enter in, they open a door for all rational thinking and problems solving skills to make a fast exit. If you can begin to slow down your trigger reactions, start believing your spouse is not against you, and that conflict can actually be a good thing because it highlights the areas you need to grow, amazing things can happen in your marriage.

Conflict and triggers call your core beliefs to the surface. Your job is to question what they’re telling you and if they’re true.

Anywhere we’ve had pain, such as rejection, emotional abandonment, control, or so many other things, our filters that we receive with or look at life through were shaped. Those filters can be skewed, and conflict and our triggers allow us to take a look at them and correct them.

So the next time conflict enters in, don’t be afraid of it, don’t react immediately to it, instead, slow it down, invite it in and see if you can learn more about yourself and one another in its process.

How to Know if Your Spouse is Really Sorry

by email@expeditionmarriage.org | Nov 11, 2022 | Articles

Your spouse has done something wrong. Maybe they’ve said something hurtful, lied to you, or forgot to do that thing they’ve been promising to do. But maybe they’ve done something as harmful as had an affair or started gaslighting you to the point of emotional abuse.
Is just hearing “I’m sorry” enough to bring healing?

Usually not.

In fact, saying “I’m sorry” but never changing anything is not truly being sorry. And, as the one on the other side of the injury, you need to know that as much as they do.
Now, we’re not talking about occasional slip ups and needing to be perfect, but we are talking about a spouse potentially using “I’m sorry” for manipulation and control.

Reasons why your spouse might apologize and not necessarily mean it.

It’s easier and they want to avoid conflict or just sweep it under the rug.
They’re trying to keep the peace and want you to move on, so they feel better.
They’re trying to manipulate and dismiss you.
They’re trying to appease you with words because they really don’t want to change.

Here is the truth….The only time when “I’m sorry” really means anything is when they’re actually ready to change!

If you’re in a situation where there are constant apologies and promises of change, but change never comes, that’s a clue you need some help. You’re likely dealing with avoidance, passivity, or emotional abuse. And while not every lack of change means emotional abuse is present, it does mean there’s an issue that needs to be dealt with.

Whether your spouse is a conflict avoidant people pleaser, or whether they are narcissistic and believe everything revolves around them, change is required for an apology that you can really believe in.

If you need some resources, check out these podcast episodes below by clicking on their titles:

Episode 55, Avoiders in Marriage

Episode 52, How to Know if you’re a People Pleaser in your Marriage

Episode 70, Enough is Enough

Part 1 of the 4-part series, episode 18, How to L.O.V.E. your Way Through Conflict

Advice for the Newlywed

by email@expeditionmarriage.org | Oct 17, 2022 | Articles

If only we knew then what we know now after 28 years of marriage, our lives would have gone a lot smoother. Now don’t let that scare you—because we think marriage is GREAT! We’re not ever going to tell you that it’s not challenging, but we do want to encourage you that it can be a lot more fun than it is hard, and we want to let you know that even the hard stuff can be good.

As our youngest daughter is entering the newlywed stage of life, we find ourselves pondering what we wish we would have known back then and asking ourselves how we can help set her marriage up best for success. Truth be told with that second question, as her parents, we’ve already done the majority of our most impacting work in her life as she had a front row seat to watching our marriage unfold. So, if expanding your family is going to be part of your journey, we want you to know that one of your best parenting tools you will ever have will be your marriage. That’s one reason why what we want to share with you is so important.

What We Wish We Knew as Newlyweds

In our opinion as marriage counselors and as a married couple, we believe the biggest blindside of marriage is the massive amount of refinement that comes with it.
Most of us enter marriage with the expectation and excitement that you have found the one to love and to love you exactly as you are forever and always. While there very well be some truth to that, more than likely you married someone who will eventually highlight every flaw you have and every area where you need growth. You married the person that will help you grow and be refined more than anyone else. This part of marriage isn’t much fun, BUT it sure is purposeful, especially when you know about it in advance!
Your spouse will be used by God to help you become more like Christ. They will test your patience, increase your humility, grow your empathy, and teach you how to forgive and offer grace. However, there is a catch.

You must be willing to surrender to the process. You can choose growth, or you can dig in your heels and choose pride, blame, and division. We encourage you to choose wisely, and always be willing to work on yourself. Another thing we wish we knew was how much vulnerability was needed in marriage. If you want to grow your trust and your connection, you must be willing to be raw and to share real and honest feelings with one another. There is nothing that will connect you more than vulnerability. Never shy away from saying the hard, the embarrassing, and the authentic things.

Keep in mind that your marriage will be like a bowling ball on a hill. If you’re not actively moving it up it will start to slip. Marriage does take work, but most of that work is just being intentional. Go on date nights, have fun, connect through communication daily. Be on guard against the mundane trap. Your marriage is worth investing in. You want to be sure it lasts a lifetime.

For some final takeaways, we also want you to…

Always have fun! Fun and friendship are the things that help you best be able to handle what life throws at you.
Remember that it’s not the problems that will take your marriage out, it’s what you decide to do about them. Always be willing to fix what breaks along the way!
And finally, keep Jesus in the center.

If you want more help with any of this, be sure to check out our Newlywed Couples Devotional and all our available resources including the Expedition Marriage podcast.

May you always enjoy the journey of marriage!

I need the Newlywed Couples Devotional!

When is it Time to Quit Working on Your Marriage?

by email@expeditionmarriage.org | Oct 10, 2022 | Articles

Been Spending a Long Time Working On Your Marriage?

Sometimes you just need to quit working on your marriage in order to save it. I know this may sound counterproductive or like really bad marriage advice, especially from a Christian counselor, but there’s a reason for it.

Imagine for a minute that you got up tomorrow morning, went to work and then kept going and going without a break and without any days off. If you happen to be a stay-at-home mom with little kiddos you might understand this well. As a parent in general, there is no time off, you’re always on call, and your schedule is barely your own anymore. Spending just one week with a schedule like this and you will be zapped and running on empty in no time.

As marriage counselors, we see a lot of couples whose marriages need a lot of work. They’re disconnected, they’re empty, and they’re tired of the same fights, the same sexless nights, and quite honestly, they’re tired of all the work it’s taking to keep their marriage from crumbling.

Now, let’s go back to thinking about being at work 24/7. As time goes on, working all the time with no breaks, no breathers, no down time, how productive do you think you’d become at your job? Would you be producing your best work, or perhaps would the quality of your work be going downhill? If you’re like most people, the answer would be the latter.

Let’s talk about why that is—plain and simple; exhaustion, constant work, and mentally being on all day is depleting. You are not made to function without rest and renewal. And this is no different if you’re a married couple working on your marriage. Your marriage is not made to be all work. No one in their right mind wants to sign up for that!

If you want a good day at work or at home with the kids, you must have breaks to clear your mind, to eat a meal, and most importantly, you must be able to clock out. For a marriage to heal and thrive, it will need the same. In fact, one of the best tools to equip you to handle problems, stress, or even work better, is having more joy and more fun!

Perhaps you’ve been working on your marriage for a while and all the work is just getting stressful and seems to be highlighting your problems and increasing disconnection even more. It might be time to balance some of your work efforts with some refocusing and time off. The struggle with working so hard, albeit commendable, is that it fixes your gaze on problems. And what you focus on, you magnify.

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Maybe the only work you need to be doing right now is rekindling your friendship and learning how to relax and laugh again. Problems or not, at one point in your life, that person you’re married to was once your best friend. You used to find joy in just holding hands, going out for ice cream, or talking about silly stuff at a coffee shop. Maybe instead of all the work, you just need to take some steps back and find some joy again.

If you want a practical, informative, and yet FUN way to have some conversations, check out our Restoring Connection Course or even just go out on a date. We have ways to help you there as well.