Conflict Strategies That Don’t Work in Your Marriage

by email@expeditionmarriage.org | Jun 5, 2023 | Articles

When it comes to conflict in my marriage, I will be honest and tell you that our first several years of marriage were rough. My sweet husband was very conflict-avoidant and felt like every argument was the beginning of the end. I, on the other hand, was the exact opposite. I had no problem running head-on into conflict and was known to start much of it.

For him, conflict meant there was a problem for him to fix or peace he needed to restore at all costs. For me, conflict was way more normal than it should be. Conflict meant to defend yourself at all costs.

As a result, his go-to strategy was to avoid it. After all, as far as he was concerned, conflict was terrible. If he had to bend over backward for me, keep his feelings, thoughts, and opinions to himself, then so be it. The problem with this was that things never got resolved. He lost his voice and therefore grew resentment towards me, and he fed the right fighting, defensive monster in me too.

My go-to strategy was a whole lot of yelling and right fighting. I took even the slightest disagreements as a threat. I would yell to be heard and stop at nothing to prove my rightness to him.

Ultimately, we were both trying to stay safe, and we had entirely different methods to do so. Worst of all, neither of our conflict strategy methods worked! They set us backward instead of moving us forward to healing and repair.

When you seek to avoid conflict, you must make yourself smaller. You lose your voice, respect, and the opportunity to grow personally and heal the problems in your marriage. This isn’t good because your opinions and thoughts matter. They are meant to be expressed and to help your spouse grow too.

When you live your life as a ticking time bomb, that’s miserable too. I thought I could only be heard if I was yelling. But the truth was, that was when I was listened to the least! My yelling pushed my husband away, and it also caused me to feel helpless and hopeless, and I lived with the shame of losing my temper all the time.

While our relationship sounds extreme, I’m here to tell you, as Christian Marriage Counselors; we see A LOT of these couples. We were way more societally normal back then than we are today.

Our early marriage may have been tough, but it isn’t today. There are much better ways to have conflict. You also want occasional conflict because it is good for your marriage, you just want to have it the healthy way instead!

What works best for us is something we want to share with you too. It’s what we call the L.O.V.E Conflict strategy. You can find out more and let us walk you through it by clicking this link to our L.O.V.E. Your Way Through Conflict course.

Feel free to use discount code EXPEDITION for 10% off. Let us help you change the way you have conflict today!

How to Deal With a Grumpy Spouse

by email@expeditionmarriage.org | May 15, 2023 | Articles

Is your spouse a grump?

That can be so frustrating. Even when their grumpiness might be valid and stemming from real-life stress, chronic pain, or maybe feeling stuck in a miserable job or situation, it can still bring down the mood of everyone in the house. But, before you lose hope, there are some things you can do that might help improve their grumpiness or, at the very least, help them manage better for the time being.

For starters…

don’t take it personally. More often than not, their grumpiness has nothing to do with you. It’s much more likely due to something else in their life. It could also be as simple as a rough car ride home or a hard day with the kids after school. Long story short, their mood isn’t always about you.

Next, let’s assume their grumpy attitude comes from something hard in their life. Think briefly about how you would like to be treated if something hard happened to you. It’s with empathy, isn’t it? That’s right; a good first rule of thumb is to start with empathy. Tell them you’re sorry they’re struggling or having a bad day. Show them some understanding and validation by acknowledging that something hard is going on. Being heard and understood are longings we all have; once we receive them, we often feel better.

But, if their grumpiness goes beyond that, you must communicate effectively with them. This is where you don’t try to fix their problem, but you don’t react to it by letting it affect you, either. Ask questions; find out the details of what is happening; lean in and listen and see if there is any way you can help or support them.

Lastly…

it’s time to set boundaries when dealing with a chronic grump. When empathy, listening, and good communication don’t work, it’s not okay for their mood to just take the house hostage. This is when you get to share with them how their grumpiness impacts you and the family and that you’re happy to help them through a challenging time, but they will need to find an outlet before consistently bringing a negative mood into the house.

God tells us to do all things without grumbling and complaining (Phil 2:14-16), and when we allow our spouse to live out their lives in Grumpville, we’re not helping them become who God wants them to be. It’s okay to have our moods affected from time to time by hard things, but it’s not okay to consistently walk with a negative attitude all the time.

Let’s recap:

Don’t take their mood personally
Start with empathy first
Communicate effectively
Set boundaries

Your marriage deserves some joy, and it’s ok not to settle for grumpiness! If you want to learn more about how to deal with a grumpy spouse, check out episode 97 of the Expedition Marriage podcast, How to Deal With a Grumpy Spouse.

5 Ways to Keep the Spark Alive in Your Marriage

by email@expeditionmarriage.org | May 1, 2023 | Articles

Keeping the spark alive in your relationship is important to every healthy and thriving marriage. But let’s be real; there are seasons when this is challenging: New babies, parenting, job stress, financial stress, hormones, health issues, to name a few.

So, let’s dive right in and get practical with some tips on how to keep that romance, and yes, we’re talking sex here too, alive:

5 Practical Tips

Number one, give grace for different seasons! Some stages of life need to be met with grace. Sex should never become a chore or a stressor. But this should also be temporary, so keep that in mind.

Next, keep your communication game strong, especially in a tough season where sex and intimacy have been a struggle. That means talking honestly, openly, and often. Share your feelings, thoughts, and desires with each other. If you’ve been overwhelmed, say so. If you are having a hard time enjoying sex, speak up. If your spouse isn’t receptive to your struggle, the last tip will help you.

Have date nights, and not just any kind of date night. Make them fun! Learn something new together and go on adventures. Bring fun and laughter into the mix. Those are natural remedies to the everyday stressors of life that can work against you in remaining connected intimately.

Now, be sure you’re showing affection too! Those small acts of affection, like holding hands, hugging, and kissing without expectations, can absolutely keep the spark alive. Sometimes it’s these little moments that add up the most.

And finally, this is a big one; work through any problems you have. If things aren’t addressed in your marriage, bitterness and resentment will grow, which means your romance will not. Don’t let small issues become big or big issues become bigger. Problems do not magically go away on their own or because of wishing and hoping they will. If you can team up and address them together, great! But if you need some professional help, that’s okay too. Just be sure to get it!

Remember, keeping the spark alive in your marriage takes effort from both of you, but one of you can go first and lead the way. When you prioritize your marriage, you can be sure the sparks will fly for years to come!

Are You Sharing These 7 Things in Your Marriage?

by email@expeditionmarriage.org | Apr 17, 2023 | Articles

Regarding marriage, holding back certain things should not be the norm. It can be so tempting to withhold things from one another for various reasons. Some things are hard to share because they’re embarrassing, or you’re worried about how your spouse will feel about them or if they’ll be upset. Other things you don’t want to share because maybe you feel like they won’t matter anyway. The truth is that healthy marriages have two individuals that share with each other.

Here are 7 Things You Want to Share with Your Spouse:

Your thoughts- Don’t hold back your thoughts and ideas from your spouse. Let them know what’s going on in your head.
Your fears- Share your fears with one another. When you let your spouse know what scares you, they can be a reassuring resource to you.
Your appreciation- Don’t assume that your spouse knows you appreciate them. Even if they do, they will always like being appreciated again. Let them know the little things they do that matter. Share with them how much whatever it is they do helps you or makes you feel better.
Your body- This can be one of the most fun things to share in marriage. Physical intimacy is a need for both of you. There are so many benefits to becoming one flesh.
Your concerns- As you’re reading these, perhaps you’ve already noticed a trigger has been hit with you. That is something to share with your spouse. Your concerns should be important in your marriage.
Your encouragement- Life can be hard. Perhaps life is hard right now. Be diligent in encouraging your spouse. If they’re like the rest of us, there’s a high likelihood that they need it!
Your needs- The only way your needs will get met is if you share them. Don’t rely on them to pick up subtle hints or guess them on their own. Share them.

As you’ve gone through this list, if there are any that are difficult for you or that you struggle with, it’s important for you to give that some attention. Next to God, your spouse is designed to be your greatest resource, as you are theirs. You must have enough safety in your marriage to share the hard things, enough friendship to share the fun things, and enough security to share the areas you struggle with and desire to grow in.

Today is a great day to start sharing! Pick one area off the list and start sharing today!

If you want more ways to share and connect with your spouse, check out the Restoring Connection Course to grow in your marriage and closer to one another.

Hey Mom and Dad! What You Model in Your Marriage Matters

by email@expeditionmarriage.org | Apr 3, 2023 | Articles

Do you know how high fleas can jump? It’s four ft. Fleas can literally jump straight up in the air to the height of 48 inches. Pretty impressive, yet also slightly disturbing, right?

However, did you know you can take what God designed them to do for whatever reason and greatly reduce their capabilities? A study was done on this by someone with perhaps a little too much time on their hands. (BTW, I promise there will be a marriage message in this, so hang with me.) They took a group of 4ft jumping fleas and placed them in a jar with a lid. Understandably, the frantic fleas immediately started jumping, only to realize this lid stunted them. After 3 hours, the lid was removed and the fleas kept jumping; however, they could still only jump the height of the lid and remained trapped in captivity.

The study continued long enough for the fleas to breed and have many babies. You’d think that since God’s design was for a flea to jump 4ft, the little fleas would immediately soar out of the jar, but that is not what happened. The study found that even the new fleas maxed out at the height of a few inches of the jar.

So what does all this mean? It means that what you model is powerful! Those fleas only jumped inches because that is what was modeled for them by the older fleas. You can apply this same mentality to your marriage by thinking about what you, as parents, are modeling for your children.

Are you showing them their full 4ft potential, or are you teaching them limits of a mere few inches?

Here are some questions to ask yourself when it comes to modeling in your marriage:

What are we as a couple teaching our children about love? Is it a sacrificial and consistent action, or is it just a fleeting and conditional feeling?
Do they see love as being kind and supportive or harsh and judgmental?
What are they learning about conflict? Is it healthy and constructive, or scary and filled with yelling and name-calling?
What are they learning about assertiveness? Do they see mom and dad sharing what they feel in freedom or withholding while they walk on eggshells in passivity? Do they see that both of you can share openly and honestly, or is one of you being too aggressive?
Finally, what are they learning about the gospel? Do they see you each walking in obedience to what the Lord has called you to, or do they see you living by your own rules, barely making time for the Lord?

Your marriage has many opportunities to guide and nurture your kids every single day. Mom and Dad, your modeling matters because those little eyes are watching, and you’re the most influential people in their lives. Take that role seriously and teach your kids how to soar in this life without a lid!

If you want more on this topic, check out the Expedition Marriage podcast on, Why How You Grew Up Matters and Planting Seeds in Your Children.