Guest Post by Julie Baumgardner
Our dear friend Julie Baumgardner, Senior Executive Director at WinShape Marriage, knows firsthand the incredible value of prioritizing your marriage. WinShape Marriage offers the perfect setting to unplug and invest in your relationship through their various retreats. Today, Julie shares with us the importance of keeping your marriage at the top of your schedule, even when life’s demands are pulling you in every direction. Be sure to follow Julie and WinShape Marriage on Instagram to stay inspired and informed!
Well, it’s here. The lazy days of summer are coming to a close and the crazy days of fall are within sight! Some of you are counting down the days and others are sad to see the summer end.
Whichever camp you fall into, one thing’s for sure: A new season is here, and there’s a good chance it will be filled with multiple schedules, extra-curricular activities, church commitments, and more to keep up with.
In the midst of trying to make sure your children are taken care of, it’s easy to let your marriage take a back seat – as in, “We’ll do something for us once things slow down.” However, things aren’t likely to slow down anytime soon. So how do you take care of your marriage in spite of the back-to-school chaos?
The One Thing to Help Your Children Flourish
This may sound counter to everything you’re thinking and hearing, but if you want your children to flourish during the school year, you must put your marriage first.
I once heard a talk from John Medina, author of Brain Rules. Someone in the audience asked, “What do I need to do now in order to give my child the best chance of getting into Harvard?”
Medina’s response? “Go home, love your spouse well, and create a safe and stable environment for your child.”
The audience dropped their jaws at this answer. Naturally, they were expecting to hear about all the different activities parents should ensure their children are involved in to set them up for success. So, receiving advice about their marriage probably seemed random at best and illogical at worst.
Connection is the Best Thing For Your Children
The question for all of us is this: What is the merit behind the guidance? How is putting your marriage first a win?
The underlying thought is that when parents are feeling connected and their relationship is in a healthy place, it creates a healthy environment at home where children can thrive—where they can learn, grow, make mistakes, fail, and be loved through it all. It doesn’t mean you won’t experience angst as you raise your children, but when you are connected and working together as a team, it is easier to walk through the challenges you will face as you prepare your children to grow and go.
What I have seen through the years working with families—and have been guilty of thinking myself—is that depriving children of participating in this sport or that activity will impact them negatively over time. Even though there often isn’t time or money to do it, this mentality leads most families to do it anyway and just figure it out. The collateral damage is parents feeling like they live in a hotel, spending the day-to-day like ships passing in the night. There’s no time for downtime and certainly no room for date nights as a couple. All this leads to a loss of connection as a couple and a family.
And, as we all know, feeling disconnected isn’t a good thing.
4 Questions to Make This Year Successful While Putting Your Marriage First
This may be the year you take a different approach. Take a few minutes with your spouse and look at everything – your time, jobs, money, the needs of your children, extended family needs – all the things that are currently on your plate. Then consider the grades your children will be in and the sports and extra activities they would like to participate in.
Once you have a clear picture of your current situation, ask yourselves these questions:
- What do we believe we actually have capacity for in this season that will still allow us to maintain our sanity?
- How many activities is it realistic for each child to participate in, while still having time together as a family?
- What can we financially afford?
- What amount of activity can we allow for our children while still making time for us as a couple?
Entering the school year with sure answers to these questions could be a game changer for your marriage and your family on several levels.
Why to Put Your Marriage First
Why? Because clarity is kindness. Once you have a clear picture of your capacity, you can confidently pass that along to your children. It doesn’t mean they are going to love the limits, but you are teaching them what it looks like to prioritize what’s most important and problem-solve toward a goal—and one day they’ll thank you for that. Remember, you are your children’s first and best teacher.
Here’s the thing: Riding the wave of raising children will ultimately end. Their job is to grow and go. When they go, if you haven’t taken the time to nurture your marriage, you will look at each other and wonder why in the world you are together. So many perfectly good marriages end because people failed to recognize the importance of nurturing their relationship over time. Child-centered marriages are the ones most at risk for divorce.
Actually putting your marriage first, making sure you have time to be together— to play, talk (not just about the children, bills or work) and enjoy each other’s company—increases the chances of your home being a safe and stable place, both while your children are growing up and after they leave the nest.
Thank you. Its good to have reminders once in a while. Good read