3 Things Not to Say to Your Spouse

3 Things Not to Say to Your Spouse

by | Oct 26, 2020 | Articles

Do you remember being a kid and having a peer, a teacher, or perhaps even a parent, either in gest or intentionally speak a word to you that stung your heart to the point where you physically felt the dagger? Maybe it was the boy who told you your nose was too big, the teacher who said how disappointed they were in you, or the parent who told you that you were always a bother?

I think we all know what it’s like to have harsh words come at us, but in addition to harsh words, there are also dismissive words that can hurt too. These are the words that we might be frequently saying to our spouse, and if we’re honest, those can sting just a little bit more. God has given us words to speak life or to speak death, and when it comes to our spouse especially, we need to be choosing life.

One of the quickest ways to ignite fury in your spouse is to tell them to “Calm down.” Now, I know that those words don’t seem harsh or abrasive, but the problem with them is the meaning behind them. What this phrase means is, “What is wrong with you? Why can’t you have self-control like me?” These are words that claim superiority, and they are demeaning. They take advantage of someone who is already upset and in a vulnerable position. Ever seen someone pour gas on a fire? Well, this is doing that with words.

The next phrase you don’t want to come out of your mouth is “Stop worrying.” These words are dismissive. They tell your spouse that their concerns are no big deal, when in fact, they are feeling very valid to them. Give your spouse permission to be afraid, and then remind them that you are right there with them in their fears. Your spouse’s worrying is a great opportunity for you to pray for them or just let them know they’re not alone. Focus on that instead.

Another phrase that can get us into a little bit of trouble is when we tell our spouse, “You shouldn’t feel that way.” The truth is we all have every right to feel however we want to about things. There is no right or wrong in what we feel. There is a right or wrong in the actions that follow our feelings, but that’s not what we’re talking about here. When we tell our spouse their feelings aren’t valid, we’re also telling them that their thoughts and opinions don’t matter. That will obviously not go anywhere good.

So, the next time you want to open your mouth and let one of these phrases roll off your tongue, pause and think about it. As the Message Bible version tells us in Proverbs 21:23, “Watch your words and hold your tongue; you’ll save yourself a lot of grief.”

If you want to discuss this more or hear one more phrase not to say, or perhaps learn what to say instead, check out what we have to say on episode 4 of The Expedition Marriage podcast, What Not to Say to Your Spouse.

It’s Here!

The Expedition Marriage Podcast!

​

We’re bringing our support to your favorite podcast platform.

Subscribe so you can don’t miss an episode.

Learn More

5 Ways to Know if your Marriage is Headed for Trouble

5 Ways to Know if your Marriage is Headed for Trouble

by | Sep 9, 2020 | Articles

I’m assuming that you’re here reading this because something in your marriage seems to be missing or just perhaps isn’t right. We want to get really specific and help you identify if any of these potential warning signs might be going off in your marriage. But, if they are, don’t fret, they can ALL be repaired, turned around, and redeemed. It’s important to know that even in your worst-case scenario, hope is available.

One of the simplest early warning signs is that you’re just NOT SATISFIED. Keeping in mind that happiness is not the end all, be all, but a lack of it certainly can be a clue that things may not be okay. Despite what society might tell you, a lack of happiness is not a reason to move on and head towards divorce. There are so many deeper, more profound goals of a marriage than just to be happy. BUT your marriage indeed should be generally satisfying, so if it’s not, it’s time to address it.

If your COMMUNICATION is erratic, non-existent, hostile, involves name calling, or if you aren’t talking at all, this is a problem. The more you ignore it, the more you will find yourself going in circles, and guess what? Circles lead to nowhere! Communication is critical to have in a marriage.

Next up, is if you or your spouse have CHECKED OUT. Being checked out in your marriage really is just another way of saying you just don’t care anymore. This can happen to couples who have let things go a little longer than they should and now hopelessness is creeping in. If this is you, it’s definitely time to get some help. If this goes on for a length of time, it will take your marriage to a place that you never meant for it to go.

Now let’s talk about JUST STAYING TOGETHER FOR THE KIDS. We can’t even begin to tell you how wrong this mentality is. Your kids don’t want you to just stay together, they want you to be in a marriage together. Simply staying together for the kids just teaches them to grow up, get married and do the exact same thing. While you’re simply just staying together, you are also actively modeling what marriage should look like. If your marriage isn’t a marriage you want your kids to have, then work on it so you can actually model a healthy one for them. Show them what it is to fight for your marriage. That’s something they will appreciate.

Lastly, it’s the most obvious one, if you’re using the D WORD, your marriage is in trouble. If you’ve said it, you’ve thought about it, and if you’ve thought about it, it won’t be long before you do it.

We tell you these things not to solely help you identify that your marriage might be in trouble, but we say these things to let you know it’s time for a change. In order for things in your marriage to change, things in your marriage will need to change. We know it can feel hopeless sometimes, but there are people out there like us, who willing to loan you our hope until you find yours once again.

God is for your marriage. He wants it to be good, connected and healthy. Afterall, it represents the love Christ has for his Bride, the Church. Let the Lord use your hard times for growth instead of destruction. Reach out for help, get reconnected and start talking.

*Disclaimer: The information discussed here is meant for entertainment purposes and is not meant to replace counseling or working with a trained healthcare professional.

Christian marriage counseling and marriage coaching online
How to Make Use of the Pause

How to Make Use of the Pause

by | May 13, 2020 | Articles

For quite some time now, our society has been all about the hustle. We’ve been running ourselves ragged trying to achieve more, get more, and of course all while we stay in control of our lives. But what if that’s never been what life was supposed to be about? What if is all we’ve done is just indeed run ourselves ragged?

If we’re honest, I think we’re all feeling this fatigue, and even though a contagious virus is not how most of us would choose to pause, some of us have been craving it for quite some time.

But now that we’re here, what do we do with it? How do we slow down and make use of it when we’ve been so trained to constantly run?

Our first step is to RE-ENGAGE. We must re-engage with what is important. What is it that you’ve lost touch with amidst all the hustling? When’s the last time you’ve thought about your priorities in life? Are they making it to the top of your list on a daily basis?

Let’s see…

Here are some questions to ask yourself to make sure you’re pausing well…

Does your relationship with God look as it should? Have you been making time to pray, to be in His Word? This is a foundational part of a purposeful day and a purposeful life. Taking time pausing to ask the Father what He has for you on any given day. Allowing Him to align your priorities; taking the time to sit with him, to converse, to listen, to simply pause. This is always priority number one, and when we miss it, we usually can tell.

What does time with your spouse and your family look like? How long have they just been getting the scraps? When’s the last time you had a conversation together about anything other than the kids or the running of the household… or, about how exhausted you are?

It’s time for a change. Use this pause to re-engage your family. Pull out that devotional that you’ve attempted to do 100 times. If you don’t have one, we’ve got a great one for you HERE. Get talking with one another. Play a game with the kids, have a family dinner where you actually have conversations without heads angled down into a phone. Put some new phone free rules into place.

Engage one another. 

Prioritize your family.

Lastly, how have you been investing in the lives of others? Who is that friend you’ve been meaning to check in on? I personally have a friend who has written me a card with a note and a prayer in it every week for almost a year now. That friend has been a lifeline for me. Are you being that friend? Maybe now you can actually take the time to sit down and write a letter to someone. Maybe someone needs a call, a gift card, or just some contact letting them know you’re there, you’re praying, and you see them.

God always wants us loving others well, and yet our busyness never seems to allow time for that. But now, now we have the time.

It’s time for us to USE THE PAUSE and RE-ENGAGE.

Let’s slow it all down together. Align with God and His priorities…Love Him and love others (Matthew 22:37-39). Let’s take God at His Word and “consider it pure joy when we face trials” (James 1:2-4) because let’s face it, sometimes those trials bring us exactly what we’ve been needing the whole time. Let’s use this difficult time as an opportunity to create some good.

BONUS INFO : In addition, now is a great time to evaluate your greatest stressors to help you identify more areas to address that can help make your life better.

  • How are your finances, if this situation is making you feel vulnerable, is there something you need to change?
  • How is your physical health? Is your body feeling the strain of the stress?
  • What is it you’re afraid of running out of? Why? Are you panicked? Ask yourself why.
  • Are any fears you need to deal with being identified? Now that they’re on the table, it’s time to address them.

Here’s to moving forward, linking arms and making purpose of the pause together! It’s time to grow!

The Most Common Divorce Months. Do You Know Them?

The Most Common Divorce Months. Do You Know Them?

by | Jun 3, 2019 | Articles

I’m guessing you’re reading this because the title peaked your curiosity to simply find out what the most common divorce months are? 

Or, perhaps you’re struggling a bit or on the brink of divorce and you wanted to see if maybe knowing these two months would give you some sort of a sign or even normalize some of your feelings.

On the other hand, maybe you’re reading because you want all the info you can get on avoiding divorce because you want your marriage to thrive. Regardless of why you’re reading, I’m glad that you are.

We won’t make you wait anymore, those months are March and August. But now that you’ve got the info you came for, please keep reading…. 

March and August seem like odd months for divorce rates to be high, but there is a reason they are. In fact, I’m writing this in June on purpose. Both March and August are on the heels of some catalyst times and events that can sometimes lead to divorce, so of course it is our hope to derail some of them.

In the months before March are some big holiday seasons. Lots of family get togethers and lots of Christmas debt collected. Let’s not forget Valentines Day, the all about love holiday. 

All of these occasions can create a perfect storm for some intense bickering and highlighting of marital emptiness. We’ll be back to fill you in on more of the March contributors when that season rolls around again, but for now, let’s focus on the one at hand, Summer.

Summer time can create a great platform for last ditch efforts for couples who have already been struggling. The kids are home and they easily become the focus. No one wants to ruin the kids summer with a divorce, so why not go all in for the next few months and then separate once school starts again? This genuinely is the school of thought for a lot of couples.

It’s also vacation time, and we all know how well a good ol’ happy family vacation will fix a marriage! No, really. Couples all over are being deceived into thinking that a nice vacation will fix their marital woes. It won’t. 

Vacations can provide us a lot of things, but fixing a marriage, is not one of them. In fact, the opposite tends to happen. So much weight is put into the perfect vacation bonding you again as a couple, that when it just slightly goes awry, it sends the couple plummeting down into the “this is never going to work” pit. I mean after all, if we can’t get along on the beach during a vacation, then we’re never going to be able to get along. The last ditch proves to be fruitless.

The problem with the vacation method is not the vacation itself. In fact, vacations can be AMAZING for reconnecting couples, just not when they include so much denial. 

The bottom line is this, if you’re struggling in your marriage, there is no magical cure. Make a decision today to stop looking for one. The truth is, you have to work to change it! 

Don’t depend on vacations, holidays or wishes of new beginnings to fix your marriage. Also, don’t let those times stress you out so much that they increase division.

The reality is, the only thing that will fix your marriage is trusting God for redemption and making a decision to actively begin working on it…Did you hear that? Read it again, out loud, the only thing that will fix your marriage is trusting God for redemption and making a decision to actively begin working on it.

Let that sink in because it could change your life and your marriage! 

Your vacation time and money will be much better served investing in your marriage and the the work that needs to be done to change it. So, get off Trip Advisor and call a counselor, a marriage coach, or a couple you trust. Keep reading some blogs, heck, talk to each another about solutions! You CAN turn this around. That way you can actually vacation for the FUN instead of the fix! 

Oh, and for the record, it’s not easier for your kids to go through a divorce just because they’re back at school. What’s easiest for them is for mom and dad to heal their marriage. 

Worth it, all day long. 

Let us know how we can help you….Enjoy the Journey!