Top New Year’s Resolutions for Couples

Top New Year’s Resolutions for Couples

by | Jul 12, 2021 | Articles

There’s nothing magical about a new year, but it sure does provide fresh opportunities for a clean slate and a lot of grace for any do-overs. And while it may not be magical, sometimes the excitement and motivation that comes with it makes it feel like it is. So we say, why not take advantage of that for your marriage?

 I’m sure you’ve heard it said that the days go by slow, but the years pass by quickly. There’s a lot of truth to that. You can get so caught up in the mundane of daily life, or with constantly putting out fires and running from one thing to the next, that before you know it—whoops, there went another year!

 The last thing you want to do is be unintentional with your marriage. It requires work and attention, and without it, you’d be surprised how quickly that once burning flame romance you had, can turn into a fizzle fest.

 Steps to Having the Best New Year Together

  1. Take a look back. Yep, that’s right. Before you move ahead, it’s important to look back and ask these questions:
  • What worked for us last year?
  • What didn’t work?
  • What brought joy? What brought stress?
  • Did we accomplish what we set out to do? What kept us from or helped us achieve our goals and priorities?

The answers to these questions will provide a nice foundation to launch into a new year with. It’s a waste of time to focus on things that didn’t work or things that just brought stress. A year in review allows you to eliminate or tweak whatever you need to.

  1. Decide to fix what is broken. Now that you know the things that may have held you back, it’s time to make some adjustments. Everything you identified as not working, it’s now time to plan to fix them. In addition to fixing the things that kept you from your goals, plan to fix ALL that may be broken in your marriage, like,
  • Your communication
  • Your sex life
  • Your stress levels
  • Your emotional connectedness

How are these things going for you? Decide to not settle for mediocrity or pain this year. If it’s time to roll up your sleeves and get to work on your marriage. Let this be the year that you do it. Don’t be like the average couple that struggles for 6 years before they decide to get help.

  1. Make a daily routine to connect. There are 4 sweet spots during each day that you can pause and take a few moments to connect; when you wake up, when you leave one another for the day, when you return and see one another again, and then at bedtime. Take advantage of these brief moments to whisper a quick prayer, to connect over a cup of coffee or to greet one another with a big hug. You can also check out our couple’s devotional  to help provide great conversations and quality time together. Those small moments together can pay in big dividends.
  2. Have more fun. Laughter is such a necessary thing for any marriage. It has so many benefits for your relationship as well as for you both as individuals. Go back to the times when you used to date a lot and re-do those things, play around, or just connect over a game or a funny movie. Find a new hobby together or pick up a new activity that provides some fun. Friendship is a must for a happy marriage.

You may not be able to control everything that happens this upcoming year, but the choices you make sure will influence how good your year is. When you’re connected and thriving as a couple and the hard times come, you’ll be so much better equipped to handle them. Whatever the new year holds, decide to face it together!

Happy New Year!

 

 

 

3 Ways you can Protect your Marriage from Holiday Stress

3 Ways you can Protect your Marriage from Holiday Stress

by | Jul 8, 2021 | Articles

The holidays are always a time of joy and excitement, but they can also be a time of escalated stress and overwhelm. Family gatherings, gift buying, financial stress, flu season, all—the—things.

Regardless of what this holiday season has in store for you this year, we want to help you with three ways that you can be sure that your marriage stays healthy.

How to keep your relationship healthy during the holidays.

Let’s start with PRIORITIES. You have to know what you prioritize as a couple and as individuals. In order to do that, you’re going to have to make a time to sit down and discuss these things. At the end of this blog, go grab your copy of Important Holiday Conversations, and we’ll help you with that.

 Here’s the deal, if you don’t know what your priorities are during the holidays, then it’s pretty much a guarantee that you won’t be prioritizing any of them. This is going to lead to a lot of frustration, overwhelm and unfulfillment. However, when you can vocalize your priorities, you can then, together, strategize, and therefore be sure to keep first things first. This is a must, because there’s nothing worse than a holiday season that is filled with hardly anything that you value!

 Now, let’s move on to EXPECTATIONS—otherwise known as what we like to refer to as potential premediated resentments. Expectations are those things that you have strong beliefs about–like believing that thing will happen, or that person will do that. When it comes to holidays, statistically speaking, if you’re a wife, then it is likely that you feel like the burden of pulling off a good holiday season falls completely on you, which means there’s likely a lot of unmet expectations on the other end of that.

 Another big thing with expectations is the ones you often put on yourself. It’s not difficult to spend the holidays exhausting yourself while you run around doing all the things that you feel are expected of you. You can avoid a lot of that stress by bringing those things to light in advance and talking them through together. Again, we’re going to help you do that, so don’t worry!

Lastly, let’s wrap it up with this thing we like to call BOUNDARIES. Such a cringy, scary word isn’t it? Aren’t boundaries those things people get mad at you for? Well, sometimes, but the truth is, those people who get mad at you for having them are the exact people you likely need to have them for. So, there’s that.

But really, boundaries actually have nothing to do with other people. Boundaries have everything to do with YOU. They are a way of saying what you are ok and not ok with—they are how you protect your family, your peace, and your well-being. People who love and respect you will get that, and actually should encourage it.

Boundaries can get especially tricky around the holidays when parents get upset you’re not coming home for Christmas, or when you can’t go to 3 different family members houses for Thanksgiving, or when you just can’t afford to buy cousin Johnny, who you really don’t even know, a gift.

Boundaries are essential during the holidays and it is important that you create them together as a husband and wife. Together, you need to do whatever you need to do to protect your family and make sure you have the holiday that fits who you are as a family.

As you move forward in creating PRIORITIES, EXPECTATIONS, and BOUNDARIES, let us come with you and help guide the way. Down below, go ahead and get your copy of Important Holiday Conversations and let us help you navigate these necessary discussions, so you can have the holiday that you desire.

Inexpensive Fall Date Ideas

Inexpensive Fall Date Ideas

by | Jul 8, 2021 | Articles

Offering some Inexpensive date ideas to keep your mariage a priotity.

Don’t you just love a change of season? When the weather begins to change it usually brings along with it some new inspiration to do different things. If you’re anything like me, the fall always inspires coziness, connection, getting out in nature, and the eating of warm, rich foods!

Fall can also be a time of being busy. As summer closes out, structure and fuller schedules begin to enter back in. Therefore, it’s important to make sure that your spouse and your marriage don’t get put on the back burner. While you’re adding all those appointments and deadlines to your calendar, be sure to prioritize some time for some togetherness with the one you love!

Cheap, but Relationally Rich Fall Dates

Take a drive. Sounds simple, but this can be a great time of year to check out a new area. Drive a town away, check out the scenes of fall in your surrounding area. Make this a time of conversation about your marriage, your dreams, your future together. Check out The Basics for Fall Fireside Chats and get a free download for some great conversations you can have.

It’s also a great time to listen to an audible book. This is one of our personal favorite things to do as we drive. You can also listen to a marriage podcast. We keep ours short and around 15 minutes. Perfect for little trips and always inspiring for good chats! Check out the Expedition Marriage podcast!

Make something warm and gooey with apples! Throw on some aprons, grab a bag of apples, or if you really want a great date, go pick your own, then hit the internet and find a warm apple dessert to make together. Throw on some music and just play side by side in the kitchen.

Keep with the cooking spirit. Plan a week of new fall recipes together. This doesn’t sound that exhilarating, but it will be worth it as the week unfolds and you can sit down together to some inspiring fall foods. Maybe have each of you pick a surprise recipe to make for the other during the week, then sit down and enjoy those special meals together beside a fireplace or with some candlelight.

Start a fall décor collection. This may sound cheesy, but when our family would take trips, we would find beautiful rocks that we now keep in a jar as part of our home décor. They remind us of vacations and the fun we’ve had through the years. Fall provides great things in nature. Just simply go for a walk, pick up some beautiful leaves to put behind a frame, some sticks you can use in a basket, or become rock collectors like us.

Go for a photoshoot. Get dressed up in your best flannels and boots and hit the road for some cute local spots and take some pics. Fall provides a great backdrop for some beautiful images! If you don’t want to be in them yourselves, then grab some nature shots. Frame them and make use of them. Let the images you capture become reminders in your home of your love and time together.

Whatever you do this fall, do it with the intention of staying connected. Date nights are so important for your marriage.

Take the opportunity this season to mix it up and add some of that fall spice to your marriage!

This marriage journey is meant to be enjoyed, just get out there and do it!

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The Basics for Fall Fireside Chats

The Basics for Fall Fireside Chats

by | Jul 8, 2021 | Articles

The air is getting crisper, the nights are getting shorter, and your schedule might be getting a little busier. That means that now is the time to add connecting with your spouse on the calendar, and fortunately, fall provides some new and fresh ways to do just that!

One of our favorite things to do in the fall as a couple is to sit out back with all the necessary S’more supplies and cozy up around a blazing firepit. It provides the perfect atmosphere of unplugging and relaxing. The snapping and crackling of the fire, the warmth on your face, and there’s just something about it that makes cuddling a whole lot nicer.

With all that ambiance, you don’t want to miss the opportunity to connect as a couple. It’s a great time to set aside all the stressful things and begin to dream together. As marriage therapists, we like to recommend doing a couples reset during each season change, and what better place to do that than around a firepit?

If you want to hit the fall running and connected as a couple, here’s all you need to know for a fulfilling fireside chat:

Fireside Chats 101

 

Bring your listening ears. Plan on lots of listening and some seeking to understand. Use your conversation time as an opportunity to hear your spouse. Find out where their heart is at and what’s going on in their life. In fact, we’ve made this easy for you with our Fireside Chat Questions for Couples that you can grab for free below.

 

Set the mood. If you’re able, grab those flannels and some cozy socks for the both of you. Designate a cozy blanket just for fireside use. This is a kickback and relax kind of time and comfort is key. Be sure to smoosh those chairs together too, in fact, don’t even feel the need to use 2 chairs!

 

    Bring the food! Of course, you can’t have a firepit without marshmallows for roasting and S’more making, but if those aren’t your thing, maybe it’s time to bust out your nice mugs for some hot cocoa. And if all else fails, hand your man a meat stick! You’ll never go wrong with that. What man doesn’t like some jerky around a fire?!

    That’s it. That’s all you’ll need for the perfect night around the fire. Sometimes it truly is the simple things in life that connect us the most. Fall is the perfect season to keep it simple amongst the chaos. Get outside, enjoy nature, take walks, and do things side by side and face to face.

    Life is too precious to let one more season pass you by. Get out there and Enjoy the Journey!

     

    Help! My Husband Had an Affair!

    Help! My Husband Had an Affair!

    by | Jul 5, 2021 | Articles

    There is not much that is more painful than the betrayal of a spouse. When the one who is supposed to love, protect and cherish you becomes the one who harms you, it stings. A lot. 

    But if you are the 1 couple out of every 4 that has been affected by adultery, there are some very specific steps that need to happen for restoration. Forgiveness will, of course, have its place on this journey, not necessarily for them, but for you. Whether your marriage finds restoration and healing or not, you don’t want to be stuck dragging this pain around with you. However…

    Forgiveness is not today’s topic, and here’s why; as Christian Counselors, many women we see or hear from struggle a lot with the desire to be a godly wife, aka, a wife that forgives. They often seek forgiveness as a means of obeying God, relieving pain and moving forward. Immediate forgiveness is not healthy to do because it skips a lot of steps.

    The truth is forgiveness is different than restoration. Forgiveness doesn’t always equal healing, especially in the case of adultery. Even if the betraying spouse apologizes, it won’t mean anything without changed behavior. It is the change in behaviors that rebuilds the trust that has been shattered—and without trust, it is impossible to have a healthy, godly marriage. 

    Now that that’s out of the way, I’m assuming that you’re reading this because your husband has strayed and you indeed don’t know where to turn or what to do. My goal as a marriage therapist is two fold—to breathe hope and life into every marriage and to protect victims of abuse, repeated or unrepentant adultery.
    In order to move forward into restoration there are very specific things that need to take place. Here they are:

    Necessary Steps for Affair Recovery

    Remorse- Your husband must have a repentant heart and a willingness to cut off all ties with the adulteress. What this means is if the affair happened at his office—he changes jobs. If it happened online—he gets off social media. A clear, hard and fast ending and self-removal needs to happen for trust to be initiated. He has to be willing to flee from all sexual immorality (1 Cor 6:18).

    Open book life- His privacy is now put on hold until further notice. He has positioned himself to have to prove his faithfulness. He may not like this, but he only has himself to blame. God warns us clearly in Proverbs 6:32, “He who commits adultery lacks sense, he who does it destroys himself.”
    What this means is you can have access to his phone, you get to check in with him when he runs late, you get to see his computer, and you get to question everything. This is not for the long term, but it is for the time being until healing comes and trust gets rebuilt more.

    You get to lead- You get to be the one in charge now, in charge of your sexual relationship, whether you want to hear him say I love you or not, and how much information and details you want or don’t want. You also deserve the freedom to share with whoever you’d like. Your comfort zone is in the driver’s seat.

    Consistent work and effort – You will need to see active and tangible changes in his life. Professional counseling for both of you, an accountability partner or a mentor for him, and his humility to ascribe to all of the above. You will never move forward until you suspect that he is understanding the pain he has caused. You need to see that he gets it. Forgiveness alone does not provide this. You will begin to see this through his actions.

    While this is not an exhaustive list, it’s a great place to start, and  it’s important for you to see these things as deal breakers. They are all needed to rebuild trust. You’re not trying to get back to where you were, that has been blown up. You’re creating something entirely new. If he is not on board, it will never work. It is not your job to fully heal your marriage or pick up his slack. 

    You deserve this. Don’t settle for anything less.

    His adultery doesn’t define you.

    God does and you do.

    Be willing to fight for what you deserve. 

     

    If you want to learn more on this topic, check out episode 35 on The Expedition Marriage podcast, Help! My Husband had an Affair!

    Also check out this invaluable resource, Online Affair Recovery course  and use code EXPEDITION to get 10% off. 

    Feel free to contact us for help or to pray for your marriage!

    xoxo,

    Chris & Jamie