Sexless Marriage – Why You Shouldn’t Settle For One

Sexless Marriage – Why You Shouldn’t Settle For One

by | Aug 2, 2021 | Articles

Are you in a sexless marriage? Ooh, we’ve got some talking to do!

First of all, let’s define a sexless marriage, shall we? A sexless marriage is one where you are having sex less than once a month or less than 10 times a year. Keep in mind that there are circumstances where this might be necessary or temporarily normal. Newborn babies, medical issues, mental health struggles, medications, just to name a few, are all reasons why your sex life might be down in the dumps for the time being.

And while this information may be helpful, those are issues that usually need to be addressed first… But for the rest of you who are just lacking the desire for sex, wanting more but are married to someone who doesn’t, or you’re just living as two disconnected ships passing in the night, keep reading.

Common reasons for a lack of sex
– and what to do about them

Disconnection.
If you are not emotionally, spiritually and mentally connected as a couple, odds are that you won’t be doing much physical connecting either.  This is especially true for women. If you as a woman don’t feel love, you likely won’t be interested in making it. The catch 22 is that women want to feel emotionally connected in order to have sex, where men often feel the most emotionally connected
when they have sex.

How do you fix this disconnection? You start talking! Make space for daily connection. You talk about your interests and goals, you plan date nights where you don’t talk about the kids, and you learn how to share your feelings and your life with one another.

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Another great way to connect is by taking 2 minutes out of your day to do something that we call the 60 Second Blessing. You can grab yourself a copy with the instructions HERE. It takes one minute from each of you, and it will surely start those sparks of emotional connection once again!

Stress.
We can all collectively say that life has been hard as of late. Perhaps your marriage is experiencing a season of change or has some added stressors, or perhaps you’re in crisis and haven’t been connected on any level, much less the physical kind, in a long time. 

What’s the solution for that? Address the problem! No more sweeping it under the rug, no more waiting for it to fix itself. It’s time to roll up your sleeves and get to work. This might mean professional counseling, some heart-to-heart chats, a marriage workshop, or just forcing yourself to get out of denial. 

Another more lighthearted, yet powerful tip, is to start having fun. Play some games together, watch a comedy, start a new hobby or sport together. Friendship is the gas on the fire of sex. Think back to your dating days, what did you do for fun? Do those things! Make fun a priority once again.

The final disruptor of sex is pornography.
 Pornography is no longer a subject we can stick our heads in the sand over. It’s here and it’s rampant. A big issue with porn and marriage is that you connect to whatever brings you pleasure, and for many men, some women too, what brings them pleasure is on a screen. The screen becomes what they crave and desire, and while you should be connecting and bonding to one another, instead bonding to the screen is taking place. 

If this is you or your marriage, you are not alone, 47% of families say that pornography is a problem and it currently produces more income than the NFL, NBA and MLB… combined. The solution? Kick porn to the curb. It will never be something that enhances your marriage, and left unchecked it can easily destroy not only your sex life, but also your marriage.

The truth here is this; sex is a part of the plan for a healthy, Godly marriage. God designed it for reproduction, pleasure, comfort, and connection. It is the physical manifestation of two becoming one. It should be both physically and emotionally fulfilling, beautiful, and connecting for BOTH of you. So, whatever it is that’s interrupting your sex life, it’s worth it to fix it. You deserve great sex in your marriage!

If you want more on this hot topic, check out Episode 17 of the Expedition Marriage Podcast:
Let’s Talk about Sex.

Here to help you Enjoy The Journey
xoxo, Chris & Jamie

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The Secret to Getting Your Husband to Listen

The Secret to Getting Your Husband to Listen

by | Jul 26, 2021 | Articles

Have you ever thought about how great it would be if your husband could read your mind? Wouldn’t it be so much easier if you didn’t ever have to actually ask for what you need or want?

I mean, it is hard to understand why they don’t see a sink full of dishes and know you’d love some help.

And how come when they hear the kids yelling, they don’t think to automatically respond and see what they need?

And why is it so hard for them to realize that you hate it when they’re on their phones when you’re trying to have some quality time with them?

While it’s unlikely your husband will ever get good at reading your mind, there actually are some things you can do that will help him hear and understand your needs.

Wife Communication Hacks to Help your Husband to Hear you.

Don’t ask backwards.
Wives can often have a tendency to ask for what they want in the form of a complaint. They do this because there’s less risk of rejection or disappointment involved. And let’s be honest, it just feels better when they see you and what you need without having to be told. Here’s what this may look like:

“There’s so much junk on the floor!”
“I’m so tired of the trash always being full.”
 “I’m so exhausted.” 

Now, as women, we can all figure out what these things translate into, but don’t expect your husband to. The next time you want to drop the not-so-subtle hints to your husband via a complaint, instead, be direct and ask for what you need.

“Can you please help me pick up the kids’ stuff off the floor?”
“Hey babe, can you take the trash out?”
“I’m so tired, do you mind if I go take a bath and go to bed early?”

It sounds so simple, but you will have a far better chance at getting what you need when you actually ask for it.

Include your reason.
When you start learning to ask for what you need or when you have a real concern you need to share, instead of just asking for it, include what it would mean to you if you got it or how it would help you feel. This clear communication will share the true need you have behind your ask. Here’s an example:

“I really need you to put your phone down at the dinner table. It would really help me to feel like you wanted to spend time with me and the kids if you did.”
“I would love it if you could help me bathe the kids at night. It would help me be able to feel more relaxed and not so stressed at night before bed.”

Sharing your why gives a much larger incentive to understand and meet your need. Most husbands actually do want their wives to feel like they want to spend time with them, and they do want them to be able to relax. This type of communication lets them see into your heart and understand what the real need is. It’s risky to be vulnerable, but over time vulnerability creates true connection.

Set him up for success.
No one ever feels motivated from being told all that they’re not doing or all that they’re doing wrong. Your husband is more likely to shut down the second something negative comes out of your mouth—for the record, you would too. He may have a history of not listening or disappointing you, but it will never get better if you start with negativity. That only serves to be met with defensiveness, or in a lot of men, avoidance.  Try not reminding him of how many times he forgot something, didn’t do something or how he “always” or “never” does this or that. Skip all that commentary and go right to the steps above. The simpler and more direct you keep it, the more likely he will be to really listen.

If you want to really have your voice be heard, check out the Expedition Marriage podcast and episode 34 to hear What Wives Really Want, and let us do the talking for you!

As always, we’re here to help you… Enjoy the Journey!

xoxo, Chris & Jamie

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Top New Year’s Resolutions for Couples

Top New Year’s Resolutions for Couples

by | Jul 12, 2021 | Articles

There’s nothing magical about a new year, but it sure does provide fresh opportunities for a clean slate and a lot of grace for any do-overs. And while it may not be magical, sometimes the excitement and motivation that comes with it makes it feel like it is. So we say, why not take advantage of that for your marriage?

 I’m sure you’ve heard it said that the days go by slow, but the years pass by quickly. There’s a lot of truth to that. You can get so caught up in the mundane of daily life, or with constantly putting out fires and running from one thing to the next, that before you know it—whoops, there went another year!

 The last thing you want to do is be unintentional with your marriage. It requires work and attention, and without it, you’d be surprised how quickly that once burning flame romance you had, can turn into a fizzle fest.

 Steps to Having the Best New Year Together

  1. Take a look back. Yep, that’s right. Before you move ahead, it’s important to look back and ask these questions:
  • What worked for us last year?
  • What didn’t work?
  • What brought joy? What brought stress?
  • Did we accomplish what we set out to do? What kept us from or helped us achieve our goals and priorities?

The answers to these questions will provide a nice foundation to launch into a new year with. It’s a waste of time to focus on things that didn’t work or things that just brought stress. A year in review allows you to eliminate or tweak whatever you need to.

  1. Decide to fix what is broken. Now that you know the things that may have held you back, it’s time to make some adjustments. Everything you identified as not working, it’s now time to plan to fix them. In addition to fixing the things that kept you from your goals, plan to fix ALL that may be broken in your marriage, like,
  • Your communication
  • Your sex life
  • Your stress levels
  • Your emotional connectedness

How are these things going for you? Decide to not settle for mediocrity or pain this year. If it’s time to roll up your sleeves and get to work on your marriage. Let this be the year that you do it. Don’t be like the average couple that struggles for 6 years before they decide to get help.

  1. Make a daily routine to connect. There are 4 sweet spots during each day that you can pause and take a few moments to connect; when you wake up, when you leave one another for the day, when you return and see one another again, and then at bedtime. Take advantage of these brief moments to whisper a quick prayer, to connect over a cup of coffee or to greet one another with a big hug. You can also check out our couple’s devotional  to help provide great conversations and quality time together. Those small moments together can pay in big dividends.
  2. Have more fun. Laughter is such a necessary thing for any marriage. It has so many benefits for your relationship as well as for you both as individuals. Go back to the times when you used to date a lot and re-do those things, play around, or just connect over a game or a funny movie. Find a new hobby together or pick up a new activity that provides some fun. Friendship is a must for a happy marriage.

You may not be able to control everything that happens this upcoming year, but the choices you make sure will influence how good your year is. When you’re connected and thriving as a couple and the hard times come, you’ll be so much better equipped to handle them. Whatever the new year holds, decide to face it together!

Happy New Year!

 

 

 

3 Ways you can Protect your Marriage from Holiday Stress

3 Ways you can Protect your Marriage from Holiday Stress

by | Jul 8, 2021 | Articles

The holidays are always a time of joy and excitement, but they can also be a time of escalated stress and overwhelm. Family gatherings, gift buying, financial stress, flu season, all—the—things.

Regardless of what this holiday season has in store for you this year, we want to help you with three ways that you can be sure that your marriage stays healthy.

How to keep your relationship healthy during the holidays.

Let’s start with PRIORITIES. You have to know what you prioritize as a couple and as individuals. In order to do that, you’re going to have to make a time to sit down and discuss these things. At the end of this blog, go grab your copy of Important Holiday Conversations, and we’ll help you with that.

 Here’s the deal, if you don’t know what your priorities are during the holidays, then it’s pretty much a guarantee that you won’t be prioritizing any of them. This is going to lead to a lot of frustration, overwhelm and unfulfillment. However, when you can vocalize your priorities, you can then, together, strategize, and therefore be sure to keep first things first. This is a must, because there’s nothing worse than a holiday season that is filled with hardly anything that you value!

 Now, let’s move on to EXPECTATIONS—otherwise known as what we like to refer to as potential premediated resentments. Expectations are those things that you have strong beliefs about–like believing that thing will happen, or that person will do that. When it comes to holidays, statistically speaking, if you’re a wife, then it is likely that you feel like the burden of pulling off a good holiday season falls completely on you, which means there’s likely a lot of unmet expectations on the other end of that.

 Another big thing with expectations is the ones you often put on yourself. It’s not difficult to spend the holidays exhausting yourself while you run around doing all the things that you feel are expected of you. You can avoid a lot of that stress by bringing those things to light in advance and talking them through together. Again, we’re going to help you do that, so don’t worry!

Lastly, let’s wrap it up with this thing we like to call BOUNDARIES. Such a cringy, scary word isn’t it? Aren’t boundaries those things people get mad at you for? Well, sometimes, but the truth is, those people who get mad at you for having them are the exact people you likely need to have them for. So, there’s that.

But really, boundaries actually have nothing to do with other people. Boundaries have everything to do with YOU. They are a way of saying what you are ok and not ok with—they are how you protect your family, your peace, and your well-being. People who love and respect you will get that, and actually should encourage it.

Boundaries can get especially tricky around the holidays when parents get upset you’re not coming home for Christmas, or when you can’t go to 3 different family members houses for Thanksgiving, or when you just can’t afford to buy cousin Johnny, who you really don’t even know, a gift.

Boundaries are essential during the holidays and it is important that you create them together as a husband and wife. Together, you need to do whatever you need to do to protect your family and make sure you have the holiday that fits who you are as a family.

As you move forward in creating PRIORITIES, EXPECTATIONS, and BOUNDARIES, let us come with you and help guide the way. Down below, go ahead and get your copy of Important Holiday Conversations and let us help you navigate these necessary discussions, so you can have the holiday that you desire.

Inexpensive Fall Date Ideas

Inexpensive Fall Date Ideas

by | Jul 8, 2021 | Articles

Offering some Inexpensive date ideas to keep your mariage a priotity.

Don’t you just love a change of season? When the weather begins to change it usually brings along with it some new inspiration to do different things. If you’re anything like me, the fall always inspires coziness, connection, getting out in nature, and the eating of warm, rich foods!

Fall can also be a time of being busy. As summer closes out, structure and fuller schedules begin to enter back in. Therefore, it’s important to make sure that your spouse and your marriage don’t get put on the back burner. While you’re adding all those appointments and deadlines to your calendar, be sure to prioritize some time for some togetherness with the one you love!

Cheap, but Relationally Rich Fall Dates

Take a drive. Sounds simple, but this can be a great time of year to check out a new area. Drive a town away, check out the scenes of fall in your surrounding area. Make this a time of conversation about your marriage, your dreams, your future together. Check out The Basics for Fall Fireside Chats and get a free download for some great conversations you can have.

It’s also a great time to listen to an audible book. This is one of our personal favorite things to do as we drive. You can also listen to a marriage podcast. We keep ours short and around 15 minutes. Perfect for little trips and always inspiring for good chats! Check out the Expedition Marriage podcast!

Make something warm and gooey with apples! Throw on some aprons, grab a bag of apples, or if you really want a great date, go pick your own, then hit the internet and find a warm apple dessert to make together. Throw on some music and just play side by side in the kitchen.

Keep with the cooking spirit. Plan a week of new fall recipes together. This doesn’t sound that exhilarating, but it will be worth it as the week unfolds and you can sit down together to some inspiring fall foods. Maybe have each of you pick a surprise recipe to make for the other during the week, then sit down and enjoy those special meals together beside a fireplace or with some candlelight.

Start a fall décor collection. This may sound cheesy, but when our family would take trips, we would find beautiful rocks that we now keep in a jar as part of our home décor. They remind us of vacations and the fun we’ve had through the years. Fall provides great things in nature. Just simply go for a walk, pick up some beautiful leaves to put behind a frame, some sticks you can use in a basket, or become rock collectors like us.

Go for a photoshoot. Get dressed up in your best flannels and boots and hit the road for some cute local spots and take some pics. Fall provides a great backdrop for some beautiful images! If you don’t want to be in them yourselves, then grab some nature shots. Frame them and make use of them. Let the images you capture become reminders in your home of your love and time together.

Whatever you do this fall, do it with the intention of staying connected. Date nights are so important for your marriage.

Take the opportunity this season to mix it up and add some of that fall spice to your marriage!

This marriage journey is meant to be enjoyed, just get out there and do it!

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