Are You Feeling Desperate For Love?

by email@expeditionmarriage.org | Sep 11, 2023 | Articles

When I was a little girl growing up in a dysfunctional family, I struggled to feel loved. It seemed as if love had to be earned, and for whatever reason, I just kept missing the mark.

I remember countless times trying to earn this seemingly unobtainable love… I would sneak over to the neighbors with scissors in hand and cut off their roses that I knew they worked hard to grow so I could bring them home to my mom, letting her know that I had found them in the road and definitely not in our neighbor’s yard. Once, I took a can of red spray paint and scribed a giant “I LOVE YOU MOM” across the back of our house. Needless to say, this did not get the outcome I had craved.

The Pains of Desperation

As I grew, I continued to make poor choices on my hunt for love. As it turns out, a lack of love creates a lot of desperation, and desperation begs for bad decisions to be made.

Love is meant to be a sacrificial gift we give, and the truth is, we just can’t make others willingly give it, no matter what lengths we go to to try.

This is a painful pill to swallow.

This sacrificial and fulfilling love is supposed to be part of marriage, but not all marriages have it. And when love is missing, desperate decisions begin to be made. Desperation of love in a marriage can often lead to a lot of unhealthy things like:

Settling
Tolerance
People pleasing
Rationalization
Passivity….
And maybe even adultery.

The problem is that those things never bring us closer to real love. At best, they temporarily ease the pain with an untrustworthy and fraudulent love.

When love has to be manipulated, it is not love at all.

I watched the mom, whom I was so desperate to love me, try to earn love out of her desperation. She allowed alcoholism to run rampant in our home without consequence. She disregarded abuse in avoidance as an effort to pretend it wasn’t happening. She excused a lack of love from my stepfather as if there was something wrong with her instead of him.

She waited. She avoided. She scrambled in anxiety. She lied to herself, hoping that love was just right around the corner, simply waiting for the perfect setup to be ushered in.

A marriage filled with lies, deception, tolerance, unaddressed addiction, abuse, hopelessness, avoidance, or even mediocrity is not a marriage with real love. It’s a marriage with a desperate, fraudulent love. It’s the enemy’s ploy to twist the truth once again.

A Difficult Balance

So, back to this tough pill – Love is meant to be a sacrificial gift we give, and the truth is, we just can’t make others willingly give it, no matter what lengths we go to to try.

By no means does any of this mean your marriage is over or has no real chance at love because that is also false. We serve a God who redeems, repairs, restores, and who can make all things new. But we will never get on the path of restoration through the avenue of denial that desperation sets us on.

Real love is sacrificial and freely given. “But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8

We are called to love sacrificially in our marriages, but we must remember that sacrificial love isn’t meant to make us doormats who tolerate horrible behavior or mediocrity. Our sacrificial love is meant to be for a higher purpose, just as Christ’s was, to give Him glory and show the world who He is. A miserable or mediocre marriage will never do that if it’s left as it is.

This sacrificial love in marriage is designed to be a two-way street. If your marriage is not displaying real love and your heart is overcome with anxiety and desperation, it’s time to make some changes before your desperation leads you to places you never want to go.

Jesus can help you with that, and so can we if you need us to. Let the real love of Christ lead you on the right path, and reach out if this blog resonates with you.

Remember THIS When All Help Feels Lost

by email@expeditionmarriage.org | Aug 28, 2023 | Articles

Have you ever been in a hard season where most of your prayers are spent asking God to intervene and do something to stop your suffering? Maybe you’re pleading with Him to fix you… fix your circumstances… fix your marriage.

I have certainly had times in my life just like that. As I’ve been dealing with some health issues, I’m in one of those seasons right now. The human heart can grow weary in suffering; not one of us is immune to that weariness.

Being in this place, I was recently drawn to a podcast episode by a fellow therapist titled “Is Hope Reasonable?” As a believer, I know this answer. Because Jesus died on the cross and rose from the grave on the third day, hope is possible and reasonable to believe in. But this episode took the encouragement of hope a step further by speaking to the weary heart that had been burned before. The one with the heart that struggles to believe in hope even when they do know it exists. The heart that says, “I know you can, God, but I’m scared that you won’t.”

And if we’re honest, I think we’ve all been there before. The place where you fully believe in the sovereignty of God but also your humanness fears that His sovereignty doesn’t align with your desires.

Halfway through this episode, when talking about this weary place we can find ourselves in, where hope feels so vulnerable to grasp, a Walter Brueggeman quote was shared about what life without hope can be like.

He said, “Life becomes a dissatisfied coping, a grudging trust, and a managing that dares never ask too much.”

Are you gritting your teeth and just getting by, pouring out every ounce of effort to trust God, or perhaps you’re withholding your true request because you fear the answer is no?

Maybe you’re in a place where you know that God can heal you but are worried that He won’t.

Maybe you’re where you desperately need God to intervene, or your marriage is over.

Maybe you’re in a place where everything has been so hard for so long, and you’re unsure if you or your marriage can ever be put back together.

A place where hope is unsure or even scary.

First of all, if this is where you’re at, I’m so sorry. That is a hard place to be.

But second, the answer to the original question, Is Hope reasonable? is yes. Yes, hope is reasonable! Not just the “risen from the grave” hope, as if that wasn’t enough, but the “God spoke and created the world” kind of hope, too.

It’s as simple and profound as this; the Creator can still create.

He doesn’t just fix broken things; He creates brand-new ones. And, just as He created the world, He can create something marvelous in you or your marriage, and He can create it from nothing, from absolute scratch!

God is the ultimate Creator, and I think it’s time to start not only believing He can create brand new in your life but also asking Him to do so. Maybe you’ve lost a little hope because your suffering has been so long, or maybe it seems impossible that goodness could ever be found.

But let me tell you, let me tell myself, that hope is reasonable. And in our desperation or despair, just as He brought light into what once was complete darkness, God can always make something brand new, even if all we give Him to work with is our desperation and despair.

I sure hope that today you will take the risk in believing in hope, hope for your salvation, but also hope in having the Creator who can take whatever situation you’re in and not just fix it but make it entirely new.

May His will and power of creation be evident in your life and marriage today!

Building a Strong Marriage: The Foundation of Love and Commitment

by email@expeditionmarriage.org | Aug 7, 2023 | Articles

Marriage is a sacred bond between two individuals, and if you’re wise, one BIG God.

At one point, you were once two people from different walks of life who came together to build a life filled with love, trust, and friendship. Along the way, you may have discovered that a strong and lasting marriage is not a result of luck, chance, or even desire; but rather a requirement of continuous effort made by both of you to nurture and grow your relationship.

Remembering this is a very important thing:
“It’s easier to build a strong marriage than it is to fix a broken one.”
And if a strong marriage is what you’re desiring, then you will need these key ingredients:

Communication: The Pillar of Connection

Communication is essential for any successful marriage. Effective communication involves both speaking and listening. It is vital to openly express your thoughts, feelings, and concerns while actively listening to your partner’s perspective. Honest and respectful communication fosters understanding and prevents misunderstandings, often leading to conflicts.

Trust and Honesty: The Bedrock of a Strong Marriage

Trust is the foundation upon which a strong marriage is built. Trusting one another creates a sense of emotional safety, allowing both of you to be vulnerable and authentic. Honesty goes hand in hand with trust; it is necessary that you are both truthful and transparent with one another, even when circumstances or situations become difficult.

Emotional Support: Being Each Other’s Rock

In a strong marriage, you are to be an emotional support system for one another. Life inevitably brings challenges; having a partner who can offer empathy, compassion, and encouragement can make all the difference. Celebrating each other’s achievements and providing a shoulder to lean on during tough times cultivates a deep emotional bond.

Compromise and Flexibility: Navigating Differences

Every individual brings their unique perspectives and experiences to a marriage. Learning to compromise and be flexible is crucial in resolving conflicts and finding common ground. It’s important to understand that you won’t always see eye-to-eye, but a strong marriage involves respecting each other’s opinions and finding solutions together.

Shared Goals and Values: A Unified Vision

Couples with shared goals and values are likelier to build a strong marriage. Creating a shared vision for the future, especially one rooted in God’s will, gives your marriage a bigger purpose. Having common objectives and something to move towards together will strengthen your bond.

Quality Time and Romance: Nurturing Intimacy

In the hustle and bustle of daily life, it’s essential to prioritize quality time together. Setting aside dedicated moments for each other builds intimacy and keeps your romance alive. Things like regular date nights, small gestures of affection, and expressing love verbally can go a long way in maintaining the spark in the relationship.

Humility: Trust in God

Accepting when you’re wrong, apologizing when necessary, and learning to trust in God’s direction for your marriage will be the cornerstone of your relationship. Having biblical humility is ultimately surrendering to the Lord instead of to your own flesh. His desire for your marriage is far better than your own, and when you surrender to trusting His ways instead of yours, your marriage will surely be blessed.

Ultimately, building a strong marriage is a journey that requires commitment, patience, and continuous effort from both of you. It is about having open communication, trust, and emotional support while navigating life’s challenges together. Remember that no marriage is perfect, and conflicts will arise. However, by seeking the Lord and following His commands for marriage, you will have a deep and lasting connection that will stand the test of time.

If you want another essential ingredient to a strong marriage, add in prayer.

Check out our free 30-day Praying for Your Husband and Praying for Your Wife challenge.

Why Your Communication Might Be Failing

by email@expeditionmarriage.org | Jul 3, 2023 | Articles

How Communication Impacts Your Marriage

When we were a few years into being married, we had many fights. Practically zero new material was fought over, but instead, we fought about the same issues repeatedly.

Here’s the deal, we’ve been doing this marriage counseling thing long enough to know that we were not the first couple who kept getting caught in fight cycles, and we certainly weren’t the last.

You may not be aware of this, but much of the fighting you might be doing likely has its roots in poor communication. Because of its prevalence, we want to share some of the most common issues that make communication ineffective.

Speaking before thinking

This one can work both ways. Sometimes we start a conversation out of anger or frustration before thinking about what we want to say. We jump the gun and go directly into criticism, putting our spouse immediately on the defensive. Other times, we lash out because of something said to us before pausing and responding appropriately.

A simple trick to overcome this is by training yourself to hit the pause button the moment you feel that blood starting to boil from frustration. While pausing, ask yourself what you want your spouse to know, hear, or understand. When you have your answer and feel calm enough to articulate it, move forward. If you need time to gather your thoughts, ask for it by saying, “I don’t want to respond the wrong way, so I need a little time to process this.”

Not listening to one another

Scientific research has shown that we only listen to about a third of what’s being said, while we spend two-thirds thinking of our response. To make matters worse, it also tells us that we can only recall about 20% of what we hear. This is a recipe for disaster in a marriage. But it’s also a call for grace because you’ll both be bad at listening if you’re not intentional.

All of this should tell you that if you want your spouse to feel heard, especially since most of us tend to get repetitive, louder, and angrier when we’re not, you will have to start listening on purpose. The second your spouse feels you’ve heard them is when they will know you’re on the road to resolution, which will speed it up instead of slow it down with needless loud repetitions.

Some simple tips for listening well are putting your phones down and setting distractions aside, making eye contact, and paraphrasing and repeating what you’ve heard.

As for the last two communication faux pas, we will group them together, hearing what’s not being said and not clarifying. All too often, we react to our assumptions more than we react to what is truly being said, and when that happens, we take it one step further and fail to clarify if what we’ve heard is actually what was meant.

This can be where, “Can you put your cup in the dishwasher?” turns into, “You are messy and never do anything around the house!” or maybe a “Fine.” response to a “How do I look?” turns into an extra half hours’ worth of outfit changes.

Here’s a quick tip to resolve that issue; if a response is over the top or different than you expected, that’s a big clue that your spouse has misunderstood what you’re trying to say. If this is the case, ask them directly what they heard you say or thought you meant by what you said. This provides an opportunity to clarify and get back on track.

Good communication will always involve a lot of remaining calm, good listening, and clarity….oh, and much grace!

And don’t forget, if this is a big issue for your marriage and you don’t have the time or resources for counseling, don’t forget we have our How to L.O.V.E. Your Way Through Conflict course, where we expand on this topic and a lot more! Don’t forget to get your extra 10% off as a subscriber by using code EXPEDITION!

Get The Course

3 Areas in Your Marriage Where You Need Boundaries

by email@expeditionmarriage.org | Jun 19, 2023 | Articles

I recently read a quote from Lysa Terkeurst: “When a boundary is violated, bad behavior will be validated.” This could not be more true, but unfortunately, many people have difficulty setting boundaries, much less enforcing them.

Boundaries are not ways to control other people. They are tools you use to give people choices about how and if they will be in a relationship with you. A boundary is a personal guideline that tells others what’s acceptable to you and what isn’t. There’s no control, gaslighting, or manipulation in a healthy boundary. It’s simply a guideline that says, “If you want to be in a healthy relationship with me, this is what’s ok and what isn’t.”

Boundaries are essential in all your relationships, but most definitely in your marriage. There are three areas in your marriage where you need boundaries if you want your marriage to be healthy and thriving. Placing healthy boundaries in these areas lets others know you value what you protect, whether it be your spouse, yourself, or your marriage. After all, if you don’t value it, others won’t either.

The first area where boundaries are a must is in-law relationships.

These are the people whom you leave and cleave from. Most of your life was spent obeying your parents and doing what they said, but those rules no longer apply once you get married. If you come from a healthy, Godly home, this leaving and cleaving will be encouraged, but that isn’t the case if you’re like most adults.

Transitioning from obedience to honoring your parents can be challenging, but if you want a healthy marriage, you must choose the side of your spouse and not your parents. This means that you begin to make decisions based on what you want as a couple instead of what your parents want for you. It may mean not traveling on holidays or not fulfilling every family tradition you once had if it no longer suits you as a couple.

It may also mean you must intervene if your parents have a problem with your spouse. It is up to you to place a boundary and advocate for your spouse instead of asking them to tolerate behavior that isn’t okay. Want more on this topic? Check out Boundaries with the In-Laws.

The second area of important boundaries is the protection of your marriage.

Having guidelines that say what’s good for your marriage and what isn’t is critical. Boundaries protecting your marriage may look like having no friends of the opposite sex, shared passwords on your phones, or never being alone with the opposite sex, even if it’s a work event carpool. These seem trivial but could easily become catalysts for dissolving your marriage. The more slippery slopes you can plan against, the better. They are also great acts of love for one another. Placing a boundary around your marriage lets your spouse know you value your relationship no matter the cost.

Lastly, there will be days when marriage gets hard, and the need may arise to place boundaries against one another. It’s important not to allow a spouse ever to demean you, speak poorly to you, or do any act or behavior that is unacceptable to you. These types of behaviors will only get worse without proper boundaries and follow-through. Remember, when a boundary is violated, bad behavior will be validated.

Protecting your marriage with boundaries is what will set it up for success. When you value yourself and your marriage, you require that others do too. Others will always try to sabotage your life and your marriage, but you ultimately are the one who gets to decide if they do.