There’s nothing magical about a new year, but it sure does provide fresh opportunities for a clean slate and a lot of grace for any do-overs. And while it may not be magical, sometimes the excitement and motivation that comes with it makes it feel like it is. So we say, why not take advantage of that for your marriage?

 I’m sure you’ve heard it said that the days go by slow, but the years pass by quickly. There’s a lot of truth to that. You can get so caught up in the mundane of daily life, or with constantly putting out fires and running from one thing to the next, that before you know it—whoops, there went another year!

 The last thing you want to do is be unintentional with your marriage. It requires work and attention, and without it, you’d be surprised how quickly that once burning flame romance you had, can turn into a fizzle fest.

 Steps to Having the Best New Year Together

1. Take a look back. Yep, that’s right. Before you move ahead, it’s important to look back and ask these questions:

• What worked for us last year?
• What didn’t work?
• What brought joy? What brought stress?
• Did we accomplish what we set out to do? What kept us from or helped us achieve our goals and priorities?

The answers to these questions will provide a nice foundation to launch into a new year with. It’s a waste of time to focus on things that didn’t work or things that just brought stress. A year in review allows you to eliminate or tweak whatever you need to.

2. Decide to fix what is broken. Now that you know the things that may have held you back, it’s time to make some adjustments. Everything you identified as not working, it’s now time to plan to fix them. In addition to fixing the things that kept you from your goals, plan to fix ALL that may be broken in your marriage, like,

• Your communication
• Your sex life
• Your stress levels
• Your emotional connectedness

How are these things going for you? Decide to not settle for mediocrity or pain this year. If it’s time to roll up your sleeves and get to work on your marriage. Let this be the year that you do it. Don’t be like the average couple that struggles for 6 years before they decide to get help.

3. Make a daily routine to connect. There are 4 sweet spots during each day that you can pause and take a few moments to connect; when you wake up, when you leave one another for the day, when you return and see one another again, and then at bedtime. Take advantage of these brief moments to whisper a quick prayer, to connect over a cup of coffee or to greet one another with a big hug. You can also check out our couple’s devotional  to help provide great conversations and quality time together. Those small moments together can pay in big dividends.
4. Have more fun. Laughter is such a necessary thing for any marriage. It has so many benefits for your relationship as well as for you both as individuals. Go back to the times when you used to date a lot and re-do those things, play around, or just connect over a game or a funny movie. Find a new hobby together or pick up a new activity that provides some fun. Friendship is a must for a happy marriage.

You may not be able to control everything that happens this upcoming year, but the choices you make sure will influence how good your year is. When you’re connected and thriving as a couple and the hard times come, you’ll be so much better equipped to handle them. Whatever the new year holds, decide to face it together!

Happy New Year!

The air is getting crisper, the nights are getting shorter, and your schedule might be getting a little busier. That means that now is the time to add connecting with your spouse on the calendar, and fortunately, fall provides some new and fresh ways to do just that!

One of our favorite things to do in the fall as a couple is to sit out back with all the necessary S’more supplies and cozy up around a blazing firepit. It provides the perfect atmosphere of unplugging and relaxing. The snapping and crackling of the fire, the warmth on your face, and there’s just something about it that makes cuddling a whole lot nicer.

With all that ambiance, you don’t want to miss the opportunity to connect as a couple. It’s a great time to set aside all the stressful things and begin to dream together. As marriage therapists, we like to recommend doing a couples reset during each season change, and what better place to do that than around a firepit?

If you want to hit the fall running and connected as a couple, here’s all you need to know for a fulfilling fireside chat:

Bring the food! Of course, you can’t have a firepit without marshmallows for roasting and S’more making, but if those aren’t your thing, maybe it’s time to bust out your nice mugs for some hot cocoa. And if all else fails, hand your man a meat stick! You’ll never go wrong with that. What man doesn’t like some jerky around a fire?!

That’s it. That’s all you’ll need for the perfect night around the fire. Sometimes it truly is the simple things in life that connect us the most. Fall is the perfect season to keep it simple amongst the chaos. Get outside, enjoy nature, take walks, and do things side by side and face to face.

Life is too precious to let one more season pass you by. Get out there and Enjoy the Journey!

It’s been said that women have an average of 20,000 words a day, while men only have around 7,000. Who knows if this is actually true or not, or if it’s just common in a lot of self-help books nowadays? However, I think it’s generally safe to assume that women actually do tend to talk more than men.

I’ve got a couple of guesses on why that is—

1. Women tend to think out loud and process, while men tend to keep stuff in their heads and process on their own.

and

2. Women feel more feelings. They don’t necessarily have more feelings, but they tend to be better at actually allowing themselves to feel them. Feelings create thoughts and thoughts create words and discussions; therefore women tend to talk more.

Now, if you’re married to a quieter man, you might find his quietness frustrating. Perhaps you’re married to the man who never shares how he feels but always seems to be mad—also frustrating. Well, there might be some reasons for his quietness that you don’t realize.

Common reasons why your husband may not share how he feels.

Your man may not be sharing how he feels simply because, are you ready for this?

He doesn’t know!

 Yep, you read that right. Many men aren’t well versed with feelings and therefore struggle to identify them. Men can live in a world of fine, good and mad. It’s incredibly possible that your husband was raised under the teaching of men don’t cry, they don’t feel, they just suck it up and deal with life. Their lack of feelings is a result of that kind of wrong teaching. But the truth is, God made emotions for a reason, and we’re all designed to have them. Personally, I don’t think there’s anything tougher than a man who is willing to shed a tear of pain, sorrow or compassion, in fact, ask any man what’s harder, sucking it up, or crying it out? They’ll choose crying every time.

If you think this might be your guy’s struggle, try checking out our free downloadable conversation exercise, How do you Really Feel? It includes all the feeling words and great discussion questions for good chats.

In this case, it’s important that he knows that you do. Let him know you have a need to for understanding him and would truly appreciate his sharing more with you. This is also a great way to use the free download, How do you Really Feel?

Overall, the best way you can start to hear from your husband on how he feels is to enter into your conversations with a heart of seeking to understand him. Validate his feelings when he does share, ask open ended questions and create a safe place for him to share anything with you.

Do you want more encouragement? Check us out over on Instagram and follow along as we help you…Enjoy the Journey of Marriage

As a newlywed wife, almost 27 years ago, I was coming in hot with all the needs I had. I thought what I wanted was socks off the floor, help with the dishes, and a husband who would, on his own, put the kids in the tub and get them ready for bed. And while those things are appealing, deep down, they’re not really what wives want. In fact, what I found myself wanting was so much more than that, but by more, I don’t mean an overwhelmingly long check list, I mean deeper, richer, more life-giving things.

I wanted to be SEEN, HEARD, and CHERISHED.

What Wives Really Want…

To be listened to— Yep! A put your phone down, look at our face, set aside all distractions, kind of listening. While men love that shoulder to shoulder life, wives need that face to face interaction. They desire to be engaged in conversation, have space created for emotions to be shared and burdens to be poured out, and also for joy to be celebrated together.  

To be taken on a date—this is actually so much simpler than husbands realize. Invite us for a walk, to take a drive, to get a simple ice cream cone, just us. Sure, the romance, the reservations and weekend getaways are wonderful, but they’re not always necessary. Most of us don’t even care how much a date costs because we care more that you’re thinking about us enough to plan one.  

To be cherished—wives love to feel special. We’d love our favorite Starbucks drink to be dropped off, to be noticed after a hard day and invited into a hot drawn bath just for us. The little things really go a long way in making a woman feel special.

It’s when we have these needs met that all the concerns for socks on the floor and cupboards left open, fade gently into the background. These are the things that create deeper connections with one another. These are the needs that deepen our marriages and draw us closer together.

At the end of the day, wives aren’t as complicated as one might think. We’re just all looking to be seen, heard and cherished. 

If you want more on this topic. Be sure to check out the Expedition Marriage podcast Episode 31, What Wives Really Want.

As always, we’re here to help you ENJOY THE JOURNEY!

xoxo, Chris & Jamie

I remember being a little girl sitting in my bedroom listening to my parents in the throes of conflict outside my door.  There was screaming and hollering, profanity and loud door slams. Many nights I sat on the corner of my bed with my hands over my ears anxiously waiting and hoping for silence.

Conflict

Conflict has a technical definition but really, more often than not, it’s something that we assign a definition to based upon our own experience of it.

Another reason you may have learned to avoid conflict is because you’ve seen it go wrong. Perhaps you’ve been that little child sitting on your bed with hands over your ears too, or perhaps you never had the opportunity to witness it at all and therefore any time it comes up, you feel helpless. 

Then there’s those of you who are just simply slow processors. What this may mean is that being involved in conflict includes too much pressure and it demands for you to be quick on your feet, when the reality is you need time to go slow and process. Conflict for a slow processor may mean that you never get a voice and instead end up hours later thinking of all the things you could have or desired to say but didn’t. Slow processors need space for conflict.

You also might be an emotional stuffer, which is someone who just doesn’t like to feel, experience, or deal with hard things. Perhaps you were raised in conflict and you developed a hatred of it so you learned to just keep yourself from experiencing anything difficult by shoving it all down. Or there’s the possibility that you never saw conflict at all and therefore you feel as if you have no skills on how to handle it so you must keep it hidden. 

Lastly, you might hate conflict because you’ve been a victim and conflict means something violent and abusive where you aren’t allowed to have a choice or you lack the ability to defend yourself.

At the end of the day, if you’re someone who avoids conflict, you’ll also be someone that removes opportunity for growth in your marriage, especially if you never learn how to have it well. Conflict in marriage should mean that there’s opportunity for resolution, communication and room for each spouse to have a voice. 

If you want to learn more on how to have conflict well, check out Episode 18 of our 4 part series on the Expedition Marriage podcast, How to L.O.V.E your Way Through Conflict.

As always, we are here to help you Enjoy the Journey!
Chris & Jamie